


Star and Marcie and the Forces of Evil Part One: Star Comes to Earth

by SageSilentfire



Series: Star and Marcie and the Forces of Evil [1]
Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Agender Toffee, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Don't Have to Know Canon, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Toffee, Not Canon Compliant, Starts similar to canon, Tag As I Go, Trans Female Character, Trans Girl Marco Diaz, Trans Marco, Trans Marco Diaz, gets weird, making sure not to swear to keep the g rating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 68,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24500878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SageSilentfire/pseuds/SageSilentfire
Summary: A fix-it fic for Star Vs. the Forces of Evil that starts roughly similar to canon and gradually diverges. Basically, I'm keeping the Toffee plot (and expanding on it!) and some of season 3, then smashing the rest of canon, to make something very strange and different. Let's see how it goes.Book One: Star Butterfly is a rebellious, wild princess of the magical (and crapsack) world of Mewni. When she causes too much trouble with her new magic wand, she is sent to a non-magical world called Earth. But that might not be the entire story, and strange forces are on the rise...(More infohere)
Relationships: Star Butterfly & Marco Diaz
Series: Star and Marcie and the Forces of Evil [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1770172
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	1. Star's Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> Two chapters posted every other Sunday, I was just a day late because quarantine has made me lose all sense of time.
> 
> Summary for chapter one: Star is a young, wild princess who is about to receive her family’s most precious heirlooms.

This is a story about someone I know. It's a story about adventure, magic, and why you probably shouldn't make bets with eldritch abominations, even if you are one yourself.

This tale begins in the magical land of Mewni. Now, today Mewni is called something else and is considered a rather nice place to take interdimensional vacations to – maybe see the architecture, or the beautiful cloud rainforests, or the magical technology – but that wasn't always the case. 

Only a few decades ago, Mewni was what could scientifically be called a huge dump. It was, if you can believe it, known throughout the multiverse as a huge cesspool of muck, ignorance, and infighting, all under an indifferent and burning sun. The climate of Mewni was hot, is what I'm getting at. Hot and (of the political climate) terrible. The royals of the castle did not aid their citizens at all, and they lived moderately splendid but still ignorant and petty lives, when one considers the vastness and grandness of the multiverse, far above the muck and squalor of the peasantry below. And those they actively oppressed... they got to live in a place called "the Forest of Certain Death." The name isn't an exaggeration, you know.

In the midst of the boring chaos that was Mewni a few decades ago, lived a magical princess named Star Butterfly. She was kinda cute, I guess, with pale skin with light red hearts on her cheeks and wild, straight red hair. She thought she was special because she fought monsters. I'd say, big whoop. Just ask your ancestors: just because oppressing them politically was in vogue this century doesn't mean fighting them was frowned upon.

She also tamed wild unicorns. _That_ made her special.

Some called her reckless and irresponsible. Star did her best to prove them right. She was a whirlwind of destruction, uncontrollable and unstoppable. In just one week she destroyed twelve priceless paintings, broke fifteen fancy chandeliers, and slid down the castle railings four hundred times. 

But all that was about to change, because today was her fourteenth birthday, and Star was going to receive her family's most precious heirlooms.

Well, I say "that was about to change," but probably not. Star would remain reckless and irresponsible, even with her precious family heirlooms. She would be a little more powerful, a little more capable of wreaking havoc, but still her same reckless and irresponsible self. 

But, you must be wondering, what were those precious family heirlooms? Never fear, dear reader, for I will explain them to you. Star was to receive the Royal Magic Wand and the Magic Book of Spells that came with it. The wand was the most powerful magic wand in the multiverse, and the spells that came with it would allow anyone to become unstoppable. 

Which would be a problem if given to someone who was, say, incredibly reckless and irresponsible. 

Which was why Star would have to face a test. What that test was, Star didn't know, but she guessed it was some feat of strength. Maybe a test of intelligence. Or some kind of wicked obstacle course. Whatever it was, she was sure she could face it. 

She woke up on the morning of her fourteenth birthday enthusiastically. "Hello, world I will someday rule!" she shouted eagerly. "What a beautiful day to get my mother's magic wand!" It was raining, but whatever.

She walked briskly down the stairs, stopping to check her parents' room to see if they were there. They weren't, and Star had never actually seen them sleeping in there, but she figured she might as well check. She'd woken up early, after all. A window in their room was broken, but nothing else was out of the ordinary. So she went straight down to the throne room to see her parents, sitting down on their thrones.

"Mother, Father, I am ready to receive the royal magic wand!" she shouted as soon as she got downstairs, trembling with excitement. "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Her mother was a stern-looking, imposing woman with pale skin and blue hair neatly tucked in a massive bun, crown perching on top. She had pink diamond cheekmarks, and held the Royal Magic Wand before her in the form of a queenly scepter. She also had blue butterfly wings folded at her side, and she looked positively shocked. "Star! You're in no shape to receive anything! You haven't even brushed your hair!" she spoke in a roughly British accent – unlike Star, but then again she had never been around Star much to impart her accent on the kid. Moon Butterfly was more of a hands-off type mother.

Star, whose red hair was even wilder than usual, and whose nightgown was spattered with some unidentifiable substance, put her hands on her red heart cheekmarks and groaned. "Okay, Mom."

"I'll have the servants draw you up a bath," said King River, who looked exactly like Star except for his shortness and his beard and his... he looked like Star, see, but shorter, balding, and considerably more male. He rang a bell to summon the servants. "And you really can't do this in a nightgown."

Star sighed. "Okay, Mom, Dad." She really was tired of them. But she'd never admit that out loud, or she'd get an earful.

A serious primping later, and Star was dressed in a beautiful gown encrusted with rubies and gold thread. Her messy hair had been brushed and tucked into an intricate braid, and the bath had left her smelling of rose petals. Her servants had seemed distracted when they were giving her her bath, they were whispering about a "monster." Star didn't notice, she was too busy thinking about her wand. "Now can I receive the magic wand? Please, pretty please?"

"Star, you know any future queen must endure a trial to gain the wand. You shall encounter great tests of your strength, wisdom, and ability in order to gain the Royal Magic Wand–"

"Yeah, yeah, I do a thing, and it might be a hard thing, blah blah blah. Can we hurry it up so I can get the wand already?"

Moon sighed. "As I was _saying_ , you shall encounter great tests of your strength, wisdom, and ability in order to gain the Royal Magic Wand. If you fail, as is very likely, this is your first time, you will be permitted to try again in one year. And once you turn seventeen, you will be allowed to try for the Royal Dimensional Scissors."

Oh, reader, dimensional scissors! Those are neat. They allow travel between dimensions. Just cut a portal in the air and–ta-da!–you can go to any dimension you like! Made by the enchantress Heckapoo, they are to this day gifted to upstanding and important families and positions across the multiverse.

Star wasn't interested in the intricacies of magical scissors. She instead whined, "But I don't want to try again in one year. I want to have my wand now!"

Moon sighed again. "You'll never get the wand with that attitude. But I'll allow you to try. Come with me," standing up from her chair and beckoning Star to follow her out of the room. She politely ignored the way Star was panting and making grabbing motions at the wand.

The queen and the princess first walked to the opulent room where the Magic Book of Spells was stored, and Moon grabbed the old and tattered volume that was half the size of even Moon, who was pretty tall. Then the pair went down, deep into the dark depths of Butterfly Castle. Moon at one point grabbed a torch and held it aloft. Star wondered if she should have grabbed a torch too, as soon the torches illuminating the walls stopped and they would have been in pitch darkness if not for her mother's torch. "Uh, Mom? It's gotten really dark around here."

Moon nodded. "It's supposed to. We're deep in the bowels of the castle. Servants don't come to light the torches here."

"Ew, bowels," Star said, wrinkling her nose. "Sounds gross."

"Star, I only meant that we are deep inside the castle. So deep that the servants are rarely down here."

"Oh, yeah, I got that part. Just think 'bowels' is gross. Hey, are we there yet?"

"We're almost there, dear. Come with me."

"What else would I do?"

"You're currently texting your friend, Lilacia."

"Oh, you noticed. Well, uh, okay, I'll put my compact magic mirror away."

"Good."

The two walked in silence, Star anxiously watching Moon, or rather her wand, and the spellbook. She hovered anxiously over Moon so much that Moon had to tell her off. “Star, stop it!”

"Sorry... I just really want my wand."

"It's not your wand yet." Moon moved the wand and the book out of Star's grasp yet again, a task that was made difficult by the fact that she was holding a torch in her other hand. 

Star sighed. "I know... I just want my wand..."

Moon sighed louder. "You'll never be ready at this rate."

The pair eventually made it to a grand-looking chamber. The only light came from Moon's torch, but Star could still see intricate designs weaving their way across the walls, floor, and ceiling of the chamber. Moon gestured at Star to wait at the entrance, and walked into the center. She placed the wand, end-down, in a groove, placed the book beside it, and stepped back. "Moon Butterfly, Queen of Mewni, here with Star Butterfly, Princess of Mewni. Today marks Star's first attempt at gaining the wondrous power that is the Royal Magic Wand. May you judge her as you see fit. Come forth, Star, and achieve your destiny."

Star jumped up and down and ran forward. Then she saw her mother's gaze and slowed, walking primly to the wand. She leaned down, grasped it, and lifted it up, above her head. 

And electric current ran through her body, lighting all of her nerves on fire, and the wand transformed from a blue royal scepter into an orange, well, wand/disk on a stick with gray wings and a large yellow crystalline star in the center.

Moon gasped. "Star... you gained the wand!"

"That's it? I mean, it's great that I got my wand, but aren't I supposed to do something? Like fighting some kind of monster, or using the wand to beat some kind of monster, or fighting some kind of monster... I really feel like fighting a monster. Bam! Pow! Smmmaasssh!"

"No, that can't be right! It can't be that easy for you!" Moon raced forward and knocked on the book. "Glossaryck! Glossaryck!"

"What?" a little blue dragon with a beard and pale blue spots asked, floating out of the book. 

"You're the Master of the Book, you know how to do these things. Tell the wand that Star isn't ready!"

Glossaryck looked up at Star, who was chewing on her wand and bouncing up and down excitedly. "She seems fine. Nice and ready." Irresponsible.

"But even I wasn't given the wand on my first try! The magic forced me away from the wand, and my mother picked it back up. Please, you have to take it back!"

Glossaryck shrugged. "Have fun with your new magical princess. Goodbye!" He dove back into the book.

Star giggled. "I got the wand! I got the wand!"

Moon sighed. "Now, Star, you must be careful with your newfound power. If your wand falls into the wrong hands, the universe could be destroyed!"

"Pfft! Don't worry, I can handle it."

Moon sighed. "That's what I'm worried about."

* * *

Star skipped through the castle, chewing on her wand. She cheerfully blasted a chair out of her way, destroying it, cast a rainbow over a crying squire's head (the rainbow caught fire soon after), and magically lifted herself to the stables and onto a unicorn. The rain had cleared up, and Star could smell the freshness in the air, which was one of her favorite smells. She rode past cornfields and prairie and a gaggle of people puzzling over some footprints in the ground, and stopped once she was far enough away to see the entire castle. That was a bit of a distance, as the castle was enormous. It was a set of towering spires, with the small hovels of the peasantry clustered at the bottom like the stinking toadstools at the bottom of a large tree.

"Now that I've got the wand, it's time to do some redecorating. This castle is so... bland. Ugh, just a bunch of towers. It needs something more!" Star revved her wand, moving the disk at the top back and then forward again, like adjusting the gear on a car. "Let's start with a beautiful rainbow..." a rainbow appeared over the castle. "Aaand a dragon! A big dragon to protect my castle!" A dragon appeared and settled on the tallest tower. "AaaAAAaaand make it colorful!" The castle turned a hideous pink and green. "Perfect! Riding back now to see how my beautiful adjustments went over with the commoners... and Mother. Oh no, what will she think?"

Star carefully considered her options. She could dispel the dragon, the rainbow, and the hideous pink and green paint, but... she didn't know how. She didn't know how to dispel the creatures, oh no oh no oh no... And the dragon was taking a bite of the tower. "Oh dear..." The rainbow caught fire. "Oh, shoot." The hideous pink and green paint was melting the citizenry's eyes. "Well, too bad for them. If they don't like my style, they can stick it."

As she galloped closer to the castle, the screams of the citizens grew louder and louder. She raced forward, accidentally trampling a peasant. "Oops, sorry!" 

"Don't mind me... just... just bleedin' internally over here..."

"That's where the blood's supposed to be!" Star shouted, already galloping into the distance.

When she made it to the castle, she blasted water from her wand to cover the flames. "Stop burning things!"

Her dragon, as if it could hear her from its perch, breathed a gout of flame into the air. "Ugh, dragon! I told you not to burn things!"

The dragon thoroughly ignored her, continuing to burn everything in its path. Star growled in frustration. "Stop being so flame-y!"

She summoned a cloud and jumped on it, flying up to where the dragon was still spewing flames everywhere. Then, the cloud giving her an idea, she summoned a rainstorm and let it rain on the burning castle. "There! All better!" 

The dragon knocked over one of the towers in rage over not being able to flame. It spun around and glared at Star.

Star gasped, and the dragon charged. Star screamed, and covered her eyes. 

A blue glow shone in the sky, and the dragon disappeared. 

Star looked up to see her mother, but not quite her mother, floating in the sky. Her usually passive and immobile blue butterfly wings were out and flapping, and larger than normal. She had blue skin. But her pink cheekmarks remained the same. "Mom?"

"Oh, Star…. You are in so much trouble."

* * *

"So what's my punishment?! Please don't send me to Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty! Please!!" Star imagined herself going there and cried even more.

Moon sighed. "We aren't going to send you there... yet. Star, we are sending you to a place called Earth."

"Earth?" Star wondered.

"Earth." Moon confirmed. "It's a bit of a backwater, with no magic to speak of. You'll love it there!"

Star sighed. She probably wouldn't love it there, but she knew better than to tell her mother that. "So when do I leave?"

"Right away! I have a carriage ready for you promptly."

"What?!" Star gasped. "I'm leaving right now?"

"Well, you know what I always say, the sooner the better!" Moon said, clapping her hands. "Time to go, darling. Time to go!"

Star sighed. "Okay..." she sighed.

As she walked down to the manticore-drawn carriage, Star sighed again. She was going to leave everything she had ever known, for a dimension she didn't know. "Goodbye, Mewni..." she sighed again. Sigh, sigh, sigh, everyone's sighing. Sigh.

She and her parents walked into the carriage. King Butterfly called out to a manservant. "Open the portal, Manfred!"

Manfred the manservant nodded and opened a portal using a pair of dimensional scissors. 

Star and her parents rode on the carriage away from everything Star had ever known, and into a strange new world with all kinds of possibilities.

Not that Star thought that; she was busy being sad. Poor girl.


	2. Trouble in Diazland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star is put under the care of the Diaz family, but can’t quite seem to connect with their son, Marco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Marcie's experience is not meant to encapsulate all trans experiences. I am well aware that not all coming out stories are like Marcie's, and Marcie's story may not be like yours. 
> 
> Further, I am definitely not the one true authority on trans experiences. While I'm not cis, I've never experienced gender dysphoria or anything like it, and should not be considered an authority on how to write it.

Star looked around. She was inside something called a "school" with her parents talking to the king of the school, which was called a "principal." While her parents talked – something about "Yes, we're really from another dimension" and "Our daughter is in/a danger, please allow her sanctuary," Star really wasn't paying attention – Star explored the room, searching for weird Earth-stuff. 

She found a switch-like thingy on the wall and flipped it. The bright glowy things on the ceiling dimmed, casting the room into darkness. "Ooh," she said, flipping the switch again. "And you said there was no magic here!" Star called out to her mother.

Moon sighed, and turned back to the Principal, a man named "Skeeves". "Yes, we're from another dimension, as I've mentioned. Can you take Star in?"

"Yeah, I dunno if this is gonna work."

Moon produced a chest of gold and diamonds.

"You're hired – Wait, I mean, she's gonna love it here! There! Welcome to the school, Star."

River nodded. "She's going to need a guide."

* * *

In a classroom, a Mexican-American kid with dark hair and brown skin and a cute little mole on the side of their face sighed at her test (though, she goes by he/him pronouns at this point in the text, but she is a she). She hadn't studied. Once upon a time that would've bothered her, but it no longer did. 

She no longer felt much of anything.

"Marco Diaz to the principal's office. Marco Diaz to the principal's office!"

Marco sighed. "Oh, I'm in trouble. Okay. Guess I should go. Do I need a hall pass?"

"Just go!" Ms. Skullnick, the teacher, a large woman with eyes that would've been piercing were they not dulled with age behind her glasses, yelled.

"Okay, I'm going," Marco replied, sighing.

* * *

"Marco, I'd like you to meet our newest exchange student: Star Butterfly!"

Star pressed a button on the water fountain and then darted back in fear as it sprayed water. She aimed her wand at it and growled. 

"Huh... okay."

"I need a stupidly responsible, never-take-chances type to take care of her, and who better than you, the safe kid?"

Marco sighed. "Okay."

"Really? You don't take offense at that? I thought Miss Skullnick said you hated being called the safe kid."

"Not really." Marcie shrugged. "Not anymore."

Principal Skeeves blinked. Then he shrugged. "You clearly have issues. Anyways, show this girl around! I've already forgotten her name."

"Star Butterfly. You literally just said it."

"Whatever. I'm going to the ice cream shop! I'm gonna get all fifty-two flavors!"

"Isn't that abandoning your post?"

"Nope!"

Star was having a staring contest with the water fountain. It blinked first.

* * *

"You're a commoner, aren't you?"

"Huh?"

"You totally are! What's it like?" Star was practically bouncing up and down from excitement. 

Marcie ignored the question. "Okay, there's the gym. It's being mopped, don't... you're already sliding on it, aren't you. Whatever, just ignore me. Keep on sliding... whatever," Marco sighed. 

"You seem down!" Star shouted from across the gym. "You should turn that frown upside down!"

Marco sighed. "Yeah, whatever. I used to be more happy, you know."

"What happened?"

"... none of your business."

"Aw, come on! Do I have to use a truth spell on you?"

"Truth spell? What?"

"You know, magic! I cast cool spells with my wand! I could cast a spell to make you feel better."

"No, I seriously doubt you could. This concludes the tour. Goodbye." Marcie turned and left.

Star sighed. "He's got a serious case of down-in-the-dumps, hasn't he, wand?"

She changed her voice to pretend the wand was speaking. "Yeah, Star! You'd better make him feel better, Star! I'm saying your name a whole heck of a lot, Star!"

* * *

Marco sighed as she walked up to their house. Soon she would see her parents, and their cheerful attitude would once again grate at her nerves. She could hear them laughing from outside the door. How could her parents be happy when everything was so clearly wrong?

They shoved open the door and saw... "Oh, Marco!" her mother called. "Come and meet our new foreign exchange student! This is Star Butterfly!"

Star gasped. "Marco! I had no idea these were your parents! I just thought everyone on Earth had the last name Diaz!"

"Won't it be nice to have Star's upbeat, lively energy around the house?"

Marco sighed. "Whatever. I'm going to my room." She stomped upstairs.

Mrs. Diaz, as soon as Marco was out of earshot, turned to Star and sighed. "I'm sorry he isn't more excited. He used to get excited when other foreign exchange students would come in. But recently... well, something's changed."

"I keep calling the Sad Teen Hotline, but they won't talk to me! They say I'm not a teen!" Mr. Diaz sighed. "I don't know what to do!"

"So, Marco used to be a happy kid?"

"Yes! He used to be cheerful. Cautious –"

"Very cautious."

"Yes, very cautious. But he was a bright little kid. He loved to learn things and meet exchange students like you!"

Star frowned. "Okay. Mr. and Mrs. Diaz, I will get the old Marco back!"

Mrs. Diaz frowned. "Star, this isn't your responsibility. It's not up to you."

"Of course it's my responsibility, I'm a princess! Everything is my responsibility!"

"Star –"

Star put a hand up. "Ah, ah, ah! I'm royalty, I know best! Let me take care of it!"

" _Star_ –"

"Going upstairs to unpack, and then I'll get the old Marcie back!"

"Star!"

"Bye-ooo!"

Star walked upstairs to her new room. Mrs. Diaz sighed. "That girl is going to be a handful, isn't she."

"Ee-yup."

* * *

Star walked into her new room, carrying her luggage with a purple floating narwhal. "Okay, I can work with this! Sparkle Glitter Bomb Expand!" 

The room expanded and transformed into a castle tower with several stories' worth of stuff collected in it. "It's my room from home! What a nifty and useful spell, if I do say so myself. Which I do. Ha. Wish there was someone I could share this victory with. Like... Marco! Yes, good idea, Star."

Star ran to a room and threw open the door. "Marco!"

It was a bathroom. "Oh."

She threw open another door. "Marco!"

It was a bedroom, but not Marco's. "Getting closer!"

Another door. "Marco!"

It was a closet. "Dunno why I thought Marco would be in here, hah. Silly me. Well, next door!"

The whole "open the wrong door charade" went on for a while, so I'll spare you the details. But Marco could hear her from inside their room and finally decided to take pity on her. "I'm in here!" she called.

Star found the door and giggled. "Whew, tried a lot of wrong doors out there. Whew. Hi, Marco, you want to see my new room?"

Marco sighed. "Is it just your room with streamers on it? An exchange student tried that once. Said that it was "always a party in her room" or something. And, to be fair, it was pretty. But anyways. What's your new room like?"

"I did a Sparkle Glitter Bomb Expand spell on it! It was pretty fun! You wanna see? You wanna see?"

"I have homework to do."

"Still?"

Marco sighed. "Okay. Let's see this room of yours."

"Okay, okay, could use more cheer, but it's a start, Star. It's a start."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing! Absolutely nothing! Just talking to myself, heh, that's a perfectly normal thing to do, right?!"

Marco shrugged. Best not to push further, she got the feeling she didn't want to know.

"Anyways, here's my room!" Star opened the door. 

Marco walked in and gasped. And she was right to, it was a marvel of magical engineering. Four levels surrounding a large central atrium, each level full to the brim with magical items. A big four-poster bed in the center of the first floor hovered a few feet above the ground. A door to what looked like a massive closet was closed in the first floor. There weren't any stairs, or, rather, the stairs were a bunch of floating islands floating in the place of stairs. It was a rather beautiful effect.

Of course, it was a little less impressive when you considered that it wasn't Star's design, it was just her tower from home transplanted into the Diaz household. Magical architects (magitects?) had designed it for her, and her mother had performed the spells necessary to keep it working. But to make it impressive again, Star had instantly unmade and re-made the spells keeping it together when she moved it to Earth.

But that's just my two cents. Magical architecture is a side hobby of mine.

"Wow," Marco was saying. "This is pretty cool."

 _Hmm, not a smile but close!_ Star thought. She would've said it out loud, too, but maybe Marcie would find it weird for Star to comment on her happiness, and she didn't want to seem weird.

"I can make it cooler! Check it out!" Star waved her wand and the curtains over the windows opened, each window showing the view of a different dimension. She waved her wand again, and a balcony appeared on the far side of her room. 

That's it. There wasn't a third thing. Rule of Three can bite it and Star agrees with me.

Marco snorted. "Okay, that's just showing off."

"Aww, come on, Marco! Now we can observe different dimensions! Isn't that cool? I tried really hard on that spell!"

Marco shrugged. "I dunno. You're just trying to impress me, I can tell." Marco was lying about not being interested in seeing all the dimensions. She was fascinated by the concept of different dimensions. Earth had been in contact with other dimensions for a while in this timeline, but Marcie had never seen someone from another dimension, let alone got to know one. But she was trying to act cool and aloof, and she could tell Star was up to something.

"Anyways, I got to go do my homework."

"You could do it in here."

"Really? Uh, okay! I'll go get it, then!"

Star smiled. She was getting there.

* * *

Over the course of the next week, Star observed Marco and tried to make her laugh. She did lots of things to try to make her smile – taking her to the park, writing songs for her, and even...

"Puppies?" Marcie asked, looking at the litter of eight yellow lab puppies. "They're pretty cute."

"Well, your mom said you used to want a dog, so I made some puppies!"

"Oh, thanks. You didn't have to do this for meee... Star, they're shooting lasers from their eyes!"

"Oops. Uh..."

"Oh, well. Guess everything comes with strings attached. Just keep away from their eyes and everything's fine, right?"

Star shrugged. "I guess? I could try to make them stop lasering. Possibly."

"No! Don't change my babies! They're perfect the way they are!" A laser puppy blasted her in the eye. "Ow!"

"Oh, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just... ow, bad laser puppy! Ow!"

"You sure you don't want me to undo the laser spell?"

"Yes, Star. Yes I am."

* * *

Star had tried and tried, but she hadn't been able to make Marco smile. She got close quite often – so often that Star was left almost angry at how close she'd gotten. 

But the fact remained, Star couldn't make her smile, and it was grating on her nerves. So she started getting desperate.

Showing up in a fake mustache. Making April Fool's Day come early. Juggling the laser puppies. 

Nothing worked.

Finally, at a dinner around the table, Star was passing the guacamole when she commented on how mopey Marco was. "You're so mopey. I should call you Mopey Marco!"

Marco snorted at that. Giggle-snorted. 

"Was that a laugh I heard?!" Star shouted. "Laugh, Marco, laugh! Laugh, Marco, laugh!"

Mr. and Mrs. Diaz joined in Star's chant. "Laugh, Marco, laugh!"

Marco frowned, and sighed. "When will you guys learn, I don't need your help!" She got up, pushed in her chair, and stomped upstairs. "I'm going to my room."

Star frowned. "I'm going after him."

Mrs. Diaz also frowned. "Star, this isn't your responsibility – "

"Lalala, I'm not listening! Let's go see Marco!"

Mrs. Diaz sighed.

* * *

Star found Marco in her room, just where she'd said she'd be. "Hey Marco! So, I'm not sure what I did, but I'm sorry. Please forgive me?"

Marco sighed. "Since you're so invested in my happiness, why don't you hear the reason I'm not happy? I haven't told anyone else, but.. no one's thought to ask, I guess. Mom and Dad seem to know, but they're really good at dancing around the issue."

"I'm great at dancing – Wait, you'd tell me that?"

Marco nodded. "Okay... it might sound weird, but I feel like something really important is wrong, and I can't fix it."

"Yeah? Well, maybe I can fix it! I'm a magical princess from another dimension!"

"If it's what I think it is, you can't fix it. Not unless you can change my entire body."

"I'd give it a shot! I'm a magical butterfly princess! A magical magic wand-bearer. Have I mentioned I'm magical? Because I'm magical!"

"Well... I think I was supposed to be born a girl. I haven't been happy with my body since I hit puberty. I feel like being a boy was a mistake, and I should've been a girl. I know it sounds stupid, but –"

"That's it? Poof, Magic Girl Transform! I'll call you 'Marcie!'"

Marco turned into a girl. She gasped. "Augh, what would my parents think?! Star!"

"I'm sure they'd be fine with it!"

"How am I supposed to adjust to this? It feels right, but... ugh! Change me back, please!"

Star sighed. "I rushed into this, didn't I."

"Yeah."

Star undid the spell. 

Marco calmed down for a moment, and then gasped. "You were just trying to help me! I'm sorry."

"It's okay, we can get your parent's permission and then change you more gradually, so you have time to get used to it! That is, if you want to."

Marco nodded. "I would like that very much," she responded. She smiled.

"Wow. That's the first time I've seen you smile! It's like... the rising sun!" Star mimed a rising sun and made explosion sound effects, for whatever reason.

"What, annoyingly bright?"

"No, silly, it's beautiful!"

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Diaz were nothing but supportive. They enthusiastically hugged Marco, and then thanked Star for finding the thing that was making their daughter sad. "And we'll have to sign you up for hormone replacement therapy soon!"

"No, no, Star is doing it magically. She can actually transform me from a boy to a girl. Her wand's pretty cool. It can do anything!"

"Well, not anything. More like a lot of things."

"And anyways, uh... Star's way doesn't have needles. I'mkindascaredofneedles. There. I said it. And, well, there's pills and patches and stuff for HRT, but I'm terrible at swallowing pills and I have sensitive skin. And Star's way probably has less side effects, right?"

"Eh, I dunno about that... Wait. You're talking about side effects and stuff! You are a safe kid!"

Marcie snorted. "Haven't you heard? I'm a misunderstood bad girl! Not a safe kid!"

"Aww, you're adorable!"

"Grrreeaat."

"Anyways! Want me to start the slowed-down version of the spell?"

Marco nodded, and Star cast the spell.

"Now all you need to do is choose a name," Mrs. Diaz said.

"Don't rush her!"

"Don't worry, Star. I really have thought about it. My name will be Marceline. Marcie for short." She smiled at Star.

"Aww," Star gasped. "You picked the name I gave you!"

"It was either that or Jennifer." 

"Ugh, I cannot see you as a Jennifer."

Marcie laughed. It was a beautiful sound.

* * *

Star got out her diary and started writing. 

_Dear Diary. Today I found out that "Marco" is really a girl. Her name's Marceline, Marcie for short. I really like Earth, cause it has Marcie and her parents and a bunch of cool people on it. That's why I think it's a pretty great place. That's saying something, 'cause I've been through outer space. I think it suits me, it's just my style. I think I'm gonna stay a little while!_

_Oops, I started rhyming there. Don't tell my music teacher, she can't learn that I have rhythm!_

She nodded, and flipped to the front of the diary. It was titled "Star vs the Forces of Evil." She grabbed a bigger marker and changed the title to "Star and Marcie vs. the Forces of Evil." "There. Much better!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapters, and descriptions:
> 
> Enter Ludo (and Buff Frog): There is a buff frog watching Star.
> 
> Party with a Pony: Star receives a visit from Flying Princess Lilacia Pegasus, an alicorn with a very sparkly white coat, a wild mane, and a "bad girl" attitude.


	3. Enter Ludo (and Buff Frog)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a buff frog watching Star.

As she walked down to the manticore-drawn carriage, Star sighed again. She was going to leave everything she had ever known, for a dimension she didn't know. "Goodbye Mewni..." she sighed again. Sigh, sigh, sigh, everyone's sighing. Sigh.

Her parents and herself walked into the carriage. King Butterfly called out to a servant. "Open the portal, Manfred!"

Manfred, the manservant, nodded and opened a portal using a pair of dimensional scissors.

Star and her parents rode on the carriage away from everything Star had ever known, and into a strange new world with all kinds of possibilities.

Not that Star thought that, she was busy being sad. Poor girl.

In a bush near the carriage, a particularly buff frog monster with green skin and yellow eyes cackled. He opened a portal with a pair of dimensional scissors and jumped through it.

* * *

Marco shrugged. "I dunno. You're just trying to impress me, I can tell." Marco was lying about not being interested in seeing all the dimensions. She was fascinated by the concept of different dimensions. Earth had been in contact with other dimensions for a while in this timeline, but Marcie had never seen someone from another dimension, let alone met one. But she was trying to act cool and aloof, and she could tell Star was up to something.

"Anyways, I got to go do my homework."

"You could do it in here."

"Really? Uh, okay! I'll go get it, then!"

Star smiled. She was getting there.

Out of the window, a buff frog man cackled. He opened a portal with his dimensional scissors yet again, and jumped through it. 

* * *

Star undid the spell.

Marco calmed down for a moment, and then gasped. "You were just trying to help me! I'm sorry."

"It's okay, we can get your parent's permission and then change you more gradually, so you have time to get used to it! That is, if you want to."

Marco nodded. "I would like that very much," she – responded. She smiled.

"Wow. That's the first time I've seen you smile! It's like... the rising sun!" Star mimed a rising sun and made explosion sound effects, for whatever reason.

"What, annoyingly bright?"

"No, silly, it's beautiful!"

Interrupting that beautiful moment between friends, the buff frog man from earlier cackled. He once again opened a portal to a mysterious place and jumped through it.

* * *

Star stared at the TV. It was playing some boring, melodramatic drama. Star was transfixed. "Juanita! I love you!" said the TV and Star, at the same time. 

"And I love food!" said the TV and Star in unison.

"And uh, why are you watching that boring, melodramatic... drama?" said Marcie, not at the same time as anyone, why would you think that?

"It's what Mr. and Mrs. Diaz were watching. And I trust their taste in Earth things. Look at this glowy box thing! It's so... magical."

"Star, you can't trust my parent's taste in anything!" Marcie sighed. "Okay, whatever. I came here for a reason. Hey, Star, snap out of it!" she snapped her fingers in Star's face as the young princess was transfixed by the screen. She can snap, by the way, which I am extremely jealous of. I wish I could snap, but I never quite got the hang of it. Something about having claws, I don't know. 

Star started and blinked away the haze. "Marcie! What?"

"I was, uh, I was thinking about your room, and I was wondering if you could do the same to my room. Like give me a four-poster bed, or a tower, or a balcony! It would be really cool. Please do it, please!"

Star grinned. "That's all? Sure, I don't have a template for your room, but I can just expand it and try my best!"

"That's all I need to hear! Let's go!"

The pair rushed upstairs. Star got Marcie's door right on the first try this time and rushed inside. "Mystic Room Suck Transform!" she yelled. 

A black hole appeared in the room, and started sucking things in. Marcie gasped, and then screamed, and Star shut the door before she or Marcie could get sucked in. 

Well, I say "black hole," but it wasn't really a black hole. Just an unstable portal to dimensions unknown and dangerous. But it works as a black hole, since ain't nothing coming back from that.

"'Suck?'" Marcie gasped out. "Why was the word 'suck' in that spell?"

"I don't know, it just came out that way! I'm so sorry, Marcie!"

Marcie sighed. "Whatever. I would say 'I'm going to my room', but I can't!"

"Sorry, Marcie! Uh... how about a little sunshine, to brighten up your day!" She created a small sun over Marcie's head, but it immediately turned into a raincloud and started raining on Marcie's head. Yikes.

Marcie sighed again. "Look, just dispel the black hole, and the raincloud. You can do that, right?"

"I - I never learned how."

Marcie sighed. "Ugh, okay. I'm going downstairs."

Star groaned. "You really messed it up now, Starshine. Wait a second! Talking to myself has made me realize: I can fix this!" 

She raced into her room. "Glossaryck! How do I dispel things?!"

Now, reader, I must state to you that Glossaryck and I do not get along. In the kinda-annual meeting of Powerful Beings Across the Multiverse, I make him sit in a baby seat, and deliberately talk over him, and "accidentally" hit him with my tail. He pours his drink on me "accidentally", and blows raspberries when he thinks I'm not looking (spoiler alert, I'm always Watching), and foils my attempts to prank my brother. What happened to us, to cause this epic feud? I got him fired from his previous job, and he kinda cursed a dimension I was really invested in. It's a long story. So, the point is, we do not get along. So I'll be a little... uncharitable about him. It's all based in truth, of course, but it's also a tad... exaggerated. Narrator privileges, you know?

Point is, Glossaryck is... complicated. A complicated tiny little dragon with complicated power, who teaches complicated magic to complicated magical princesses. He's kinda all-powerful and all-knowing, at least as much as Star knew. He lives in the Magic Book of Spells and rules over it. Fitting that a being whose job it is to teach magical princesses would rule over some domain.

Star went to book and woke Glossaryck up from a nap. He was grouchy... pathetic. "Come on, Star! I was taking a rather nice nap!"

"No time to explain! I need you to teach me how to dispel things I've spelled!"

"Okay, alright, uh, you should take your wand and turn it a little to the right, and say 'magic glow that I have spelled, may you henceforth be expelled.' At least, that's what always works for me. That it?"

"Yeah!" Star ran off.

"You didn't even say goodbye!" Good for her, Glossaryck, good for her.

* * *

Star dispelled the black hole and then came downstairs. "Uh, Marcie! I can dispel the raincloud now!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" Marcie said from the kitchen, where she was standing in a bucket. 

"Magic glow that I have spelled, may you henceforth be expelled!"

"So... that isn't very much like your other spells..." Marcie put forth. "Usually they're only a couple of words long..."

"Yeah, I got this one from Glossaryck. You know, the little guy who lives in my book."

"Huh. Anyways, I've been thinking, and I kinda blew up at you for the whole 'black hole in my room' thing."

"Yes you did! And I dispelled it, so you don't have to worry about it anymore! Don't worry!"

"Yeah, but you have kinda dangerous magic. And I was thinking... maybe you should be careful how you use it, ya'know?"

Star gasped. "You're right! I totally put you in danger! I - I think I have to go." Star turned to the door and ran through it and off into the night.

"Star! That wasn't what I meant!" Marcie ran to the doorway. "Star?"

In the distance, the buff frog from before cackled and opened a hole in reality with his dimensional scissors.

Perhaps I should take a moment to explain portals. They are tears in the fabric of dimensions, which is why making the things that make them scissors is... appropriate, if a little on-the-nose. They appear different colors, too, and different shapes. Ones that go to... the grand majority of Mewni are pale blue. The ones that go to Earth are pale blue. A lot of portals are pale blue. But, hey, the ones that go to a place called Quest Buy are _dark_ blue! How's that for variety? 

This one was a dark puke green. It lead to a place called The Forest of Certain Death, and it wasn't afraid to say it. 

That was also on Mewni. Portals are weird, man.

The buff frog jumped through the portal. He was ready to report to his master.

Marcie, still in the doorway, sighed and set her face. She ran after Star.

* * *

The buff frog jumped out of the portal into the throne room of a grand and rather villainous-looking castle. "Ludo, master! Star Butterfly is still in the Earth dimension. They're really making this a long-term thing. And she left her weird human guards!" He had a rather pronounced Russian accent, including pronouncing all his "w"s as "v"s. 

Ludo Avarius, the unpleasant master of an unpleasant castle, cackled. His yellow eyes narrowed in unpleasant glee. He turned to the frog, cackling unpleasantly. Everything is unpleasant about this stupid kappa. 

One thing that you should know about Ludo is that he is among the royalty of Mewni. He is low-ranking, technically speaking, but he doesn't act like it. He and Star know each other, and they dislike each other. It's like a sibling rivalry gone way, way, way, way, _way_ too far. So far that one party sends minions to spy on the other.

Another thing to know about Ludo is that he's really short. About the height of a particularly average television set. It's adorable.

"Excellent work, Buff Frog." (Oh, and Buff Frog is what Ludo calls him. Guess we have similar ways of looking at buff frogs. Ugh.) "I knew they couldn't stay forever! Soon the Royal Magic Wand will be mine! It'll transform to match my skull hat–" (uh, he has one of those) "– and I'll get my big boy body and Mewni shall be mine! And then the multiverse! And then...! Actually, the multiverse should do it."

"I thought you already had a wand!" a voice called from his monster horde assembled before Ludo.

"Yes, random hench-monster! I do have a wand," Ludo brandished a long staff with an eye with bat wings at the top. "But it is much weaker and less powerful than Star's! The Avarius Beacon is nothing next to the Royal Magic Wand! So I want Star's wand! With it I shall wreak havoc like any proper force of evil! And I'll give her my wand, so she can see how it feels to be second-best!" He cackled yet again. "I'm coming for you, Princess Butterfly! Now, Buff Frog, gimme those dimensional scissors! Gimme!"

* * *

Star sniffled as she ran away from the Diaz house. "Marcie is right, I'm dangerous! I should stay away from people until I've got this magic stuff under control." Note that that was not what Marcie had said, but try telling that to Star. She was overblowing things, as usual. "But to control my magic, I need Glossaryck..." She slowly stopped running as the realization hit her. "I need to sneak back in. Okay, Star, you can do this." She turned around. "Wait a second. I don't remember what the Diaz's house looks like. What do I do? Uh... How far did I run?" 

She turned around. "Okay, I can do this. Just retrace your steps... just retrace your steps... The Diaz's house will be the one with the tower sticking out of it. Easy. Okay..." Star turned around and started walking. 

Before she got far, the shape of Marcie running towards her appeared in the darkening skies.

"Oh shoot! She's coming for me! I'm too dangerous, I must be stopped! She must've realized that! I'm so sorry! I deserve to be locked up. Please don't tell my mom!"

"What?" Marcie said, stopping in front of Star. Star opened her mouth to repeat it, but Marcie stopped her. "That wasn't a 'I didn't hear you' 'what', it was a 'processing' 'what'. I... wow. I never said you were too dangerous to live in society."

"Yes, but you implied it! I need to be locked up! Send me to this world's version of a dungeon."

"A prison. Wait, wait, that doesn't mean I'm sending you there! I don't want you to be sent away. I don't want you to run away. I like having you around, Star. Weird magical outbursts or no."

"What?"

"You'll get better at magic eventually, right? It's not a deal-breaker."

"Marcie, my parents literally sent me away because I was too much to handle –"

"Well, sorry to interrupt this precious moment between friends. But I really must GET THE WAND!" Ludo had hoped to rush her before Star could get oriented, but Star was ready very quickly. Attacking someone while they were arguing with someone else was one of the oldest tricks in the book, and Star had primed up her wand just in case. 

So Star blasted Ludo in the face as Marcie sprang into action. One of the monsters – a deer with a beard – raced towards Marcie. Star moved to protect Marcie, but she was too slow.

She needn't have worried, though, because Marcie had it handled. She kicked and chopped with her legs and hands, quickly dispatching the bearded deer guy. 

Star and the rest of the monsters gasped. "What was that?"

"It's called karate! I fight with my body!"

The two made quick work of the rest of the monsters. Even with his own wand, Ludo was no match for the spells fired from the Royal Magic Wand. And Marcie was her own one-woman-army. Soon Ludo was fleeing back through a portal back to the Forest of Certain Death. 

"You see, you morons?! This is what happens when you don't work out!" Ludo screamed as he opened the portal. "Your muscles are like pudding! Come on, back in the portal, back in the portal!" His minions, covered in bruises and groaning, staggered their way back into the portal. Ludo hit them with his hat as he left, which was unfortunate because his hat happened to be a skull with sharp teeth and horns, and rather hurt if you were already covered in bruises and, say, someone was hitting you with it. 

Ludo was not a very good leader. 

"You even retreat like losers! I'll get you, Star Butterfly! Goodbye!"

"That was awesome!" Star gasped out, turning to Marcie. She was about to squeal with joy, but stopped when she saw the sad look on Marcie's face. "What is it?"

"I get it, if my karate is too weird for you. It's not something I'm super open about."

"Pssh, weird? I really love your karate! It's so cool! Don't stop doing it 'cause of me! I – oh."

Marcie grinned. "See? You don't have to run away. Us Diazes are plenty weird on our own."

On the walk back, Marcie coughed. "So, I kinda need some explanation for the little green guy and his army of monsters."

"His name's Ludo Avarius, he and his monster army are a bunch of weirdos who try to take my wand, that's it."

"Uh, I'm not sure that's all you can tell me."

Star sighed. "So his family was a peasant family until my family endorsed and ancestor of theirs and she won an election, and now they're rulers of the monsters for life, blah blah blah, the point is I have to sit with him at royal gatherings and it sucks. At the most recent royal gathering he wouldn't stop staring at my wand and cackling evilly. He's definitely the force of evil I have to beat to be the best queen ever."

"But what are monsters? Are they a species with many different subspecies, or what?"

"They're a bunch of dumb-dumbs that live in the Forest of Certain Death. I mean, so dumb, right? Who would live in the Forest of Certain Death? Its name isn't an exaggeration, you know."

"Okay, but that's a good question. Why would they live in the Forest of Certain Death if it's so certainly deadly?"

"I dunno, because they're dumb? I thought I answered that question."

"What species of monsters are there? There seems to be a lot, at least I think there are."

"Uhhh, there's the lizard people, those weird conjoined demon things, the slimes, the Avariuses, the buff frogs, the Lucitors – no, not them, they don't live in the Forest of Certain Death. Uhhh... there's also the size shifters, the potato babies, a whole bunch of things. We're a diverse place, Mewni."

"Yeah, and what about Ludo? He seemed to be using magic back there."

"Ludo has his own wand. It's waaay weaker than mine, so he wants my wand instead. I'm pretty sure my family's wand is the strongest wand... ever. Never heard of one stronger."

Marcie had taken out a notebook. A good thing to know about Marcie is that she carries a notebook on her person at all times. Not always a pen, but sometimes. "Okay, jotting that down... uh, how old is your family?"

"Really old, I think we go back, like, at least five hundred years."

"And you've been royalty for the entire time, right?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." Marcie shrugged. "That's pretty cool. Uh, I don't have any more questions."

"That's cool."

"Yeah."

"Uh, you want to get late-night sorbet?"

"What's sorbet?"

"Uh..."

"Just kidding, just kidding. I know what sorbet is."

* * *

_Ludo's found me on Earth. Which is annoying, I guess, as we'll have to fight him all the time. And, yes, I said "we". Marcie can apparently do super-awesome karate. She fights with her arms and legs and stuff. It's pretty cool, even if she doesn't have a magical weapon._


	4. Party with a Pony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star receives a visit from Flying Princess Lilacia Pegasus, an alicorn with a very sparkly white coat, a wild mane, and a "bad girl" attitude.

Marcie sighed in contentment as she got a tray of enchiladas out of the oven. Star watched interestedly. "What is this weird cheesy food?"

"Only my very best enchiladas! I love to cook, and these kind of things are my favorite thing to eat. Stuff that's been smothered with cheese is wonderful. By the way, are you allergic to dairy?"

"Nope. It's pretty hard to be allergic to dairy in Mewni. We use milk and stuff like it in pretty much everything," Star said, rubbing her hands together and licking her lips. "Come on, Marcie! That stuff smells so good! I want some! I want some!"

"Cool your jets, milady. It's still hot. You wouldn't want to burn your mouth on hot cheese. Hot cheese burns suck."

"I mean, okay, but I'm hungry..." Star whined.

There was a knock at the door. Marcie looked out and saw... nothing. He looked to the right, then to the left.. and back to the right, where a large, incredibly sparkly, winged unicorn with a wild mane. "Hey, 'sup home fries?"

Marcie screamed and leapt backwards, dropping the plate of enchiladas all over herself and falling to the floor. "Ow! Hot cheese, hot cheese!"

Star gasped. "Oh my gosh! Flying Princess Lilacia Pegasus, it's so good to see you!"

"Oh hello, B-Fly! How're you doing?!"

"Wonderful, P-Sauce! Marcie was about to give me some enchiladas!"

"Oh, forget that! Who cares? We're going out tonight!"

"Let me just wake up Marcie!" Star shook Marcie's shoulder. "You okay, Marcie?"

"Oh, that's not a dead person?"

"Not... dead..." Marcie groaned.

"Oh, I don't know why I assumed that. I saw you moving before. Whoops."

"Marcie, this is the horse I was telling you about! She's Flying Princess Lilacia Pegasus, and she's my best friend!"

"I thought I was your best friend," Marcie grumbled, standing up shakily.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, no, Marcie's mistaken! She's my best bestie on _Earth._ You're my best bestie everywhere else! Uhm, how about some sugar!" Star poured some sugar into her hand and offered it to Lilacia. 

LIlacia sighed and accepted the sugar. She glared at Marcie while doing so, however. "I hate your face. Plus you're ugly." Then she laughed. "Just kidding. That's a joke. Clock's ticking, Star, let's paaartaaay!"

"Yeah, Marcie! Let's paaartaaaay!"

Marcie sighed. "Yay. Let's party."

"That's the spirit! My two besties are gonna be besties!"

Lilacia gestured to the saddlebags that were sitting on her back that I forgot to mention before. Whoops. "Hey, BFF, how's about you get my dimensional scissors out of my bags, hmm?"

Star gasped. "Dimensional scissors? That's so cool! I want to touch them!" She grabbed the scissors from the saddlebag and opened and closed them. "So cool! I'm so jealous! Where are we going to?"

"We're gonna party it up everywhere!" Lilacia grabbed the scissors and awkwardly moved them around in her mouth. "Uh... Could you get these for me? We'll start with the Eternal Dance Hall of Valhalla first."

Star nodded, and opened a portal. 

"Wait, we're going to another dimension – "

"Come on!" Star tugged Marcie through the portal.

Lilacia walked into the portal, turned around, and looked around suspiciously. Then she turned back and walked through. The portal closed. 

Just as the portal closed, a second portal opened up. Three suspicious fellows in what appeared to be masks walked through it. One of them knelt and ran their hand through the grass. "Glitter. She was here."

* * *

Marcie was not enjoying herself. Sure, Star and "P-Sauce" were, but Marcie had never been the type for wild parties. She thought she would be fascinated – they were travelling through dimensions! That had to be cool! But every time she spotted something interesting, it would be trampled by wild partygoers. And there wasn't much interesting, as every dimension they went to seemed to be overwhelmed by moving bodies. 

Marcie sighed from her perch at a bar as she watched Star and Lilacia dance. She couldn't say what kind of dance they were doing, she had never kept up with what dances were "hip" or "cool" or whatever the kids said these days. "Keep calm, Diaz," she sighed. "You're not going to have any kind of fun here, and that has to be okay. Star's having fun, and that's what matters. Don't ruin her night." 

A single tear tracked its way down her cheek.

"Hey, come on Marcie! This place is so five minutes ago! We're heading to the perfect party place: The Bounce Lounge! Come on!"

"Do I have a choice?" Marcie sighed as she was dragged through the portal. 

The Bounce Lounge was... ordinary. As in ordinary in that it was full of screaming partygoers and such. Marcie sighed as Star and Lilacia started dancing. "Ugh, I'll sit this one out," Marcie sighed, moving to the edge of the cloud the Bounce Lounge was apparently located on.

"Dude, stay away from the edge!" Star called, grabbing Marcie and forcibly dancing with her. 

"Why, what's on the edge – oh." Marcie looked over the edge and saw a pit of spikes with a skeleton in it. "Yeah, okay. I'll stay away from the edge."

"Ooh, guys! Photo booth! PHOTO BOOTH!" Star shouted.

"Yeah! PHOTO BOOTH!" Lilacia whooped, matching Star in volume, which was quite a feat. 

"Yay..." Marcie sighed, as she was once again dragged along to a place she was totally indifferent to.

The gang took some pictures. And then, once the first set of pictures was done, Lilacia asked Star if "you could please let Marice –"

"Marcie."

"New ones. Could you please let me and _Marcie_ do one together? You know, your two besties being... friends?"

"Sure! My best besties will become besties!"

Before Marcie could say "Wait, I have a really bad feeling about this!", Star left. Marcie started to sigh, but didn't have time to finish before Lilacia's hooves were in her gut. 

"I will stab you with my horn if you don't back down."

"What?" Marcie gasped. "Back down from what?"

"From Star. She's _my_ best bestie. Not yours."

"Um, Star can pick whoever she wants to be her best bestie. And I don't think she'd pick an obnoxious, spoiled brat like you to be her best bestie, anyways. She's smarter than that."

"Oh, it is o – wait, I can't waste tonight with a stupid contest! Look, Earth Turd, you are not ruining my night. This is super important to me, and if you ruin it, you get the horn. Okay?"

Marcie glared at Lilacia. "Fine. Whatever. I could probably take you in a fight."

"I'm a thousand-pound horse with a long stabby horn. Try me."

Marcie sighed. "Fine. Whatever. Let's make this a great night."

"Fine!"

Lilacia and Marcie stormed out of the photo booth, where Star was jumping up and down and holding the photos. "These look wonderful! Look at them!"

Marcie and Lilacia looked puzzledly at each other. The photos looked like a pair of friends taking normal photos, not two people arguing. "I... uh, I don't think those are our photos."

"Nonsense, of course they are! You two look so nice and like you're best besties already! I'm so glad you're getting along!"

"Uh..."

"...anyways..." 

"Uh, Star, could we talk for a moment?" Marcie muttered. Star nodded. "Without Lilacia?" Lilacia looked suspiciously at Marcie.

"Uh, okay, but make it quick! The next big dance number is about to start!"

"Look, Lilacia threatened to skewer me with her horn!"

Star winced. "Yeah, I was afraid of that. She can be... possessive. Uh, how's about we punish her a tad? Hey, Lilacia! Let's go to the Amethyst Arcade! Marcie will have more fun there."

"No way, girl! I'm getting my dance on!" Lilacia was indeed dancing, if it could be called dancing. It was more like flailing around frantically. Then Lilacia saw something in the distance. Three somethings, in fact. 

"Yes, you are right, Star. She will like the arcade better. Let's go! Get the dimensional scissors out of my saddlebags!"

Star grabbed the scissors and opened a portal. Lilacia went through the portal, but before Marcie could follow her, Star stopped her. "Hey, she's warming up to you!" She then pushed Marcie through the portal. 

"Holy pixels!" Marcie gasped on the other side. Holy pixels indeed. The Amethyst Arcade was nothing but games, games, games all over the place. "So many video games!"

"Yes, I knew you would like it here. This place is full of squares."

She was right. There were a lot of tetris-like squares everywhere. They emitted groaning noises, and were generally unpleasant to look at. 

"Excuse me? A square? I wouldn't be Star's best friend on Earth if I were a square!"

"Uh, excuse me, but you are so clearly a square. I don't see what Star sees in you, that's for sure, nerd."

"You think I'm a nerd? Well you're a poor excuse for a valley girl stereotype!"

"Oh come on!" Star growled. "By all the Forces of Evil, I am so sick of you two arguing! I thought my two best friends would at least like me enough to get along for a night, but I guess not!"

Marcie scratched the back of her head awkwardly. She felt guilty. Lilacia looked away. She seemed guilty. (Maybe she was, I wouldn't know.)

Marcie was about to apologize when she heard a strange noise. She turned and saw three suspicious fellows in what appeared to be masks behind them. They had just finished stepping out of a portal. 

Lilacia screamed in terror and tried to fly away, but the guards threw a net at her, bringing her down. 

Marcie and Star dashed towards her and Star got out her wand. "If you want her, you'll have to get through us!"

"Yeah! I may have had my differences with her, but I don't want her to get hurt!"

Lilacia gasped.

"What? You're Star's friend. I assume there's a heart of gold buried deep down there somewhere."

The mysterious guards advanced on them, but before they could do anything, a large, majestic alicorn came through the still-open portal. "STOP! Time to give it up, cupcake!"

"King Pegasus?" asked Star. "These creeps were trying to catch your daughter!"

"I would hope so. They are trying to catch her to send her to Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty. She has broken my rules to much for me to handle and must pay the price for it."

"AAAHHH SAINT O'S SAINT O'S!"

Marcie nudged Star. "Uh, times and places, Star."

"Oh, right, sorry."

Marcie moved to comfort Star, but before she could, Lilacia motioned her over. Star saw this and yelled at the guards to let them have a moment alone. The guards started arguing with her, which bought Marcie some time. "What is it?"

"Look, Star doesn't deserve a friend like me. I totally acted like a jerk tonight. I don't care if you're Star's best bestie on Earth, or on Mewni, or wherever. She deserves a better friend than me."

"What? But she and I have so little in common compared to you two. You both like parties, you both like... uh, parties..."

"Yeah, but you care so much about her! I used her to have a fun night. You wouldn't do that."

"I dunno, I might use her to... uh... magically grow my hair out, or something."

One of the guards started shouting at Star, who raised her volume in turn. And both Marcie and Lilacia simultaneously agreed to hurry up.

"Point is, you're a good friend, Marcie. And you should have this, it'll be useless at Saint O's." She grabbed a saddlebag from her back and handled it to Marcie. 

"Is this... the dimensional scissors?"

"They're not really mine, they're the royal Pegasus scissors, but my dad can get a new pair and I'll have mysteriously lost them in this dimension. Have fun with them, HIDE THEM NOW, goodbye!"

The guards grabbed Lilacia and escorted her out of the Amethyst Arcade and to Saint O's.

Star sniffled. "I'm gonna miss her. Saint O's really sucks."

"Eh, I'm sure she'll finally be useful for society."

"You don't understand," Star sniffled. "Saint Olga's is more of a prison than a reform school!"

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah."

"That sucks."

"Yeah. Wait, we're stuck here, in another dimension!"

Marcie grinned and brought out the dimensional scissors from the saddlebag. "Guess what I have."

"Dimensional scissors! Forces of Evil, that's cool! Did Lilacia give them to you or did you find them lying around somewhere?"

"Lilacia gave them to me. Do you really think someone would leave a priceless artifact lying on the ground like that?"

Star briefly reflected on the time she'd left her crown on a space bus. "Um, it could happen."

"I mean I guess. But since we don't have to worry about getting home, you want to play some video games?"

They did. They played all sorts of games, most of which were ripoffs of popular Earth games. After a while of that, Marcie sighed and decided to call it a day. Star groaned and followed her. "I'm beat. Where do you want to go next?"

"Well, we have all the choices in the multiverse available to us..." Marcie looked at the scissors... "I know exactly where we should be."

* * *

That place, where they should be, was eating the remains of Marcie's enchiladas on the couch. They were both tired from a night of dancing and partying and playing video games, so watching boring melodramas that Marcie's parents loved to watch was good enough. 

They sat in comfortable silence. Until...

"So. Saint Olga's."

"AAAAAAHHH SAINT O'S SAINT O'S SAINT O'S!!!"

"Star! I need an explanation!"

Star exhaled. "Calm down, Star. You can do this. Uh, Marcie, I don't like to talk about Saint O's."

"Oh, sorry. I just wished someone would complain about the indignities forced upon the hapless prisoners of Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty."

"I see what you're doing there, miss, and I won't fall for iiii – Saint O's is the worst! I'm pretty sure they torture every princess that comes their way! I heard from P-sauce that they threaten you with detention! It's awful! No one who goes into that school comes back the same!"

"You have no idea what goes on in there, do you."

"No, but it's awful, I'm sure of it."

"I can tell." Marcie flipped to an open page in her notebook – as you'd remember, she carries one on her at all times – and wrote _Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty: Unknown???_ "So, what about Liliah – Lilack – Lilacia, whatever her name is. Who is she?"

"She's my best friend on Mewni and she and I like to party a lot! It's great!"

"But who is she in the social stuff? Like, is she a princess, or a duchess, or what?"

"She's a princess, duh, and she's uh... well, she's one of the princesses in Mewni. My family is the highest royal family in Mewni, but she's riiight under us! We're all... pretty great!"

"Your family is the highest family in Mewni?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I dunno, you seem pretty down-to-earth for a high princess. Not that you're down-to-earth at all, you're just more than I'd expect from an absolute ruler."

"Aw, thanks, I'm going to take that as a compliment."

"Yeah, that's kind of how it was meant. Kind of."

"Juuust one question," Star asked. "How many times are we going to do this?"

"Every time something interesting happens, probably."

"Oh, great."

* * *

_P-sauce, you know, Lilacia, got sent to Saint O's. It's awful. I hope she'll keep her awesome personality, but I don't know if she's strong enough to withstand whatever goes on in there. I truly hope she'll be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapters:
> 
> Matchmaker: Star accidentally turns Ms. Skullnick into a troll while trying to make a matchmaking spell.
> 
> School Spirit: Star misunderstands the meaning of "football", thinking it's an actual battle, while Marcie helps her friend Ferguson, who is the mascot, not get kidnapped.


	5. Matchmaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star accidentally turns Ms. Skullnick into a troll while trying to make a matchmaking spell.

"Okay, that's Janna. She's kinda creepy but I know her, so there's that. Say hi to Janna!"

"Hi to Janna," Star said, mimicking Marcie's tone and inflection.

"Hey dude." Janna said. "I need you to meet me out back of the gym after school. I need to make a cast of your body."

Marcie sighed. "Case in point. And then there's Alfonso and Ferguson, who are probably the coolest dudes in this school."

Alfonso and Ferguson were, respectively, a short shrimpy guy and a short chubby kid. They combined had the coolness factor of about half a shoelace, and coolness wasn't even measured in shoelaces. Trust me, I'm an expert in coolness.

"Quick, here she comes!" Alfonso gasped. A girl was walking by, whose name was Suzy. 

Ferguson lifted up his shirt to reveal a face drawn on his stomach. It wasn't very impressive, artistically. Just kind of hideous. Ferguson moved his stomach to make it look like it's talking. "Hey, hey. Are those books? Where are you going with those books? Do you like read –"

Suzy slapped Ferguson's face, slapped the face on his stomach for good measure, and walked away. Queen.

"Oh dear," Alfonso sighed. "Guess attempt number forty-seven is a fail."

"They're usually cooler," Marcie sighed. 

"Ooh, could I fix Ferguson's weird belly-face? I could –"

"No." Marcie sighed.

And then there was the last person Marcie would introduce to Star. The sound of rolling wheels on pavement echoed through the school and a girl with blonde hair with a seafoam stripe and a wicked skateboard cruised past Marcie and Star. 

Marcie gasped. "Jackie Lynn Thomas! Hi!" 

"Hi Marcie. Hey, Star." Jackie Lynn Thomas sailed past them and off into the distance.

Star gasped. "I need to fix you up! Matchmaker, matchmaker! I'm almost as good at matchmaking as I am with magic!"

"No, Star, I only want to be friends with her. It's called a squish. Really intense feelings of "I want to be friends with you. Lower your wand, Star."

"I can still help you. There's this spell called 'Spell to mend a broken friendship', maybe it could –"

"Star, I don't think that would even work. My friendship with Jackie isn't broken, it just... doesn't exist."

"Yeah, but with some tweaking –"

"No."

* * *

In the classroom, Ms. Skullnick handed back tests. Star was doodling on her desk. "Look-look-look-look, Marcie! It's my name! It's my name! With a star inside and butterfly and two hearts. And a spider. Is the spider too much?"

Ms. Skullnick slammed down a test paper on Star's desk. Star grabbed it and looked at it. "Ooh, look! I got an 'F'! That must stand for 'Fantastic!'"

"Uuhh, not really. You don't have tests on Mewni?" Marcie said. 

"Uh, no. So, what does it stand for? Does it stand for, uh, 'Fancy'?"

"Uuuhh..."

"Marcie, what does it stand for?"

"Uh, 'Failure'. It stands for 'Failure'."

"Oh. Wait! Does that mean I'm a failure?!"

"No, no! It means you got a bad grade on a test, that's not –"

"Yes." Ms. Skullnick slammed a test on Marcie's desk and continued passing out papers. 

"What did you get, Marcie?"

"Uh..." Marcie looked at her paper and grinned. "Yes! An A+ with a smiley face. The best grade in Skullnickdom, if I do say so myself. Which, uh, I don't. Star, I'm so sorry..."

"How do I get a smiley face? I want a smiley face."

"Uh, you could ask Ms. Skullnick –"

"Okay! I'll ask Ms. Skullnick! Right away!"

"I was gonna say 'how to study for the next test' but you're not listening to me, are you."

"Nope! Hey, Ms. Skullnick, could you give me a smiley face just like Marcie's?! Please, please, please!" She gave her best puppy dog eyes. 

But even Star's best puppy dog eyes did nothing to convince Ms. Skullnick to give her a smiley face. "No."

"But Marcie got a smiley face!"

"You failed your test. Why would I give you a smiley face for that?! Ugh, kids whining about a lousy grade. Meanwhile, I finally got a guy with a boat, and he left me at the dock!"

"The dock?"

"The dock isn't the important part!"

Star blinked and nibbled on her wand.

"I guess I'm doomed to dry land!"

"I got it! I'll cast a spell to get you the perfect guy, and you give me a smiley face!"

"What?!"

"Super Attractive Man Magnet!" Star shouted, aiming her wand.

The wand did not match Ms. Skullnick with someone. It turned her into a troll.

Star was flabbergasted. "I didn't know my wand would do that!"

In the back of the class, a guy named Justin shouted "Star Butterfly rules!"

Ms. Skullnick started crying. "My beauty! My pretty face!" She had had neither before or after the transformation.

"Change her back!" Marcie shouted.

"Right! Uh, Lightning Change Back!"

The wand did not change Ms. Skullnick back. It teleported Star, Marcie, and Ms. Skullnick back to Star's room at the Diaz house. 

Ms. Skullnick screamed and ran up and down the room.

Buff Frog, who had camped out in the tree with a pair of binoculars and wasn't expecting Star back for at least another hour, gasped and nearly fell out of the tree. He grabbed the binoculars and gazed into the room, got a sense of the situation, and then cackled and cut open a portal with Ludo's dimensional scissors. "Ludo, master! Star Butterfly has come home from school early today and she seems... distracted."

Ludo sat on his throne on a pile of pillows to make his diminutive height seem taller, and licked an ice cream cone. His beak was covered in the frozen treat, as having a beak makes it much harder to lick an ice cream cone. I would know, I've had a beak before. And Ludo wasn't one to back down from a challenge, so he always had his ice cream in a cone. I approve, ugh.

Back to the story. Ludo cackled, as he often did. "Distracted? Excellent! This is the moment I've been waiting for! No one's at their best when they're... distracted! Finally I will get my hands on that glorious, glorious wand!"

Pan back to Star's room, where Ms. Skullnick continued to cry. And sob. And whatever.

Star begged her wand to actually turn Ms. Skullnick back into a human. Marcie begged Ms. Skullnick to calm down. Miss Skullnick begged... for death, probably. I don't know. What she definitely did is flood the house with her tears. Literally. 

"Oh, Ms. Skullnick, please don't cry!" Star begged.

"Star, this is uncontrollable. You need to call your mom."

"But she'd hate this! It's so... disorderly! She'd send me to Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty (AAAAAHHHH) for sure! AAAAHHHH SAINT O'S SAINT O'S!"

"It all out yet?"

"Almost. AAAAHHH SAINT O'S – Okay, I'm done."

"Look, Star, you just need to get the information without letting her know what's going on. You just dance around the truth." Marcie tied Ms. Skullnick to a chair and then placed buckets under the twin tear streams coming from Ms. Skullnick's eyes. "I'm really sorry, Ms. Skullnick. Please don't take away my A+ with a smiley face!"

Star gasped. "I'm a great dancer! Whoot, whoot, going to the magic mirror... Mirror, mirror, on the wall... Call Mom."

"Calling... Tom."

"Wait, no, no!"

"Star!" A rather mewman-looking demon appeared on the mirror's surface. "Hey, I know it's been a while –"

"No. No."

"W-wait! You're here, I'm here –"

"I said 'call Mom', not Tom."

"No! Star! _NO, DON'T HANG UP –"_

Star hanged up. "I really have to delete him off my mirror. Mirror, call Mom. _Mom_ this time."

Moon appeared on the screen. "Hello, Star. What a pleasant surprise. What did you call me for?"

"Uh, hypothetically, if someone were to have turned someone else into a troll with my – I mean, her, magic, what would that person do?"

"Star, what are you getting up to, may I ask?"

"Nothing, nothing. But what would you do? Please tell me, it's important. I promise."

Suddenly, a crash as Ms. Skullnick escaped from her bindings and ran out through the wall.

"Uh, sorry, something came up. Gotta go, bye!"

"Star, what are you –"

Star turned off the mirror and ran after Ms. Skullnick, as well as Marcie, who was also running after Ms. Skullnick.

They found Ms. Skullnick lying miserably on the ground, surrounded by Ludo's monsters.

"Ludo! You're here?"

"Yes, I don't need your permission to be here, I can go wherever I want! Unlike you, I have dimensional scissors!"

"Ludo, I have dimensional scissors now."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Argh, you have everything now! All the better to take the wand from you! I have heard you are at your most distracted!"

"What? I have been way more distracted than this."

"I don't know. You seem... pretty distracted."

"Nah, not really."

"Oh, well... what's that over there?!"

Star looked. "What?! Where?!"

"Get her!"

Star and Marcie screamed and ran to get better positions. Star climbed up her tower, Marcie stood on Mr. Diaz's sculpture. Ms. Skullnick was ignored by everyone and even trod upon by some monsters.

"Mystic Nuclear Butterflies!" Star shouted, and mystic nuclear butterflies (exactly what it says on the tin) flew into several monsters. "Yes! Watch your destruction flutter by! Get it? Get it? Huh?"

"Yeah, we get it," one of the monsters sighed. I'm not sure which one it was, but Star narwhal blast'd him.

"I'm obligated to warn you..." Marcie said, tying a white band around her head. "I'm a green belt. With a _stripe._ "

The monsters pretended to be scared. Marcie sighed and picked up a rake, which was not an accepted karate move, by the way. She swung it around, sweeping Three-Eyed Potato Baby's legs and striking their face with the rake end. That was also not an acceptable karate move. But hey, whatever works, right?

But somewhere between grabbing that rake and hitting Three-Eyed Potato Baby with it, Marcie made a crucial mistake. She let someone sneak up on her. That was not an accepted karate move. Her sensei would be hearing about this. 

That someone, the someone who snuck up on her was Big Chicken. She spread her wings in triumph and... pecked Marcie's head. Repeatedly. 

"Ow! Hey! Ow, ow! Owww!" Marcie kicked Big Chicken in the beak, knocking her over. There, finally, was an acceptable karate move. 

A large gray bull demon guy stood behind Marcie and cracked his knuckles. Marcie really has issues with letting people get behind her. 

Buff Frog threw a punch at Star, Star dodged, and bit his arm. As you do. Buff Frog yelped in pain, but the minions were not entirely impressed with Star's admittedly impressive bite power. The crocodile minion bit at Star, missed, and smacked Star off the tower. As Star flew backwards, she aimed her wand at another minion. Literally, she smacked him in the head with her wand. 

Meanwhile, the bull demon guy grabbed Marcie and put her in a headlock, punching her stomach. "Ow! Oww!"

"Rainbow Blast!" Star blasted the bull demon guy off of Marcie.

Ms. Skullnick groaned, set her face, and stood up... only to be knocked down completely by a flying bull demon guy. 

The bull demon guy looked into Ms. Skullnick's trollish eyes and gasped. Ms. Skullnick looked into the bull demon guy's eyes and fell in love. They had thirty seconds of intense eye contact and everything, they're practically married now!

"Narwhal Blast! Narwhal Blast!" Star's field of vision went to the bull demon guy and Ms. Skullnick. "Awww... Narwhal Blast." On that last one, she blasted Beard Deer without looking at him. She did not blast the happy couple, who were too busy staring into each other's eyes without blinking. It was seriously a little creepy. Edging into staring contest territory.

The bull demon guy finally broke off the staring con – love-struck gaze into each other's eyes, I meant to say. He muttered something about having to keep fighting, and went back into the fray.

Marcie continued fighting the giraffe minion, Buff Frog, and Three-Eyed Potato Baby in the background. Star popped in from off-screen. "Hey Marcie, you can handle this for a minute on your own, right?"

"Uh, Star –"

"Cool, thanks!"

"Oh, Ms. Skullnick!"

"What is it, brat?"

"See that monster over there?" Star pointed to the bull demon guy, who was lifting Marcie up and tossing her. "He thinks you're cute!"

"Really? Ooh, what should I do? It's never gone this far before!"

"Wait right here." Star ran up to the bull demon guy. "Hey there, monster guy. See that troll over there? She think's you're hot!"

The bull demon guy muttered something about being super into her, so good! and ran over to her. Oh, the muttering? That's just how he talks. Don't worry about it.

"Star!" Marcie shouted.

"Get her! Get her!" Ludo shouted. Everyone had forgotten about him, don't worry.

"Hey guys! I think you forgot something!" Star's wand glowed pink. "CRYSTAL HEART STORM!"

"Not aga–" Ludo shouted.

A loud explosion noise blacked out every syllable after that, and everything went white.

Marcie groaned. Her ears rang. Star's blast had hit her head-on, and she was covered in hearts and scorch marks. 

Star was saying something, but Marcie couldn't hear her for the ringing in her ears. She shook her head, only to catch the tail end of Star's whoop. She whimpered.

Ludo shook an unresponsive Beard Deer. "Get up! Get up!"

"Told you I wasn't distract – Wait, did I just kill that guy?"

"K-kill him?" Ludo gasped. Then his face screwed into an expression of rage. "No, he's not dead! He's probably just bleeding internally and _being a total baby about it_!" Ludo kicked Beard Deer, still in need of some top tier medical attention, square in the head. "Stupid wuss!"

Ludo was not a very good boss.

"Get up, you dipsticks!"

Slowly Ludo's monsters stood up, groaning in pain and covered in bruises and scorch marks.

"Maybe you should retire that spell...?" Marcie suggested.

"Well, uh... hey look! Ms. Skullnick and that bull demon guy!" The happy couple were, in fact, still staring into each other's eyes.

"Bleh!" Marcie groaned.

"So... now that I hooked you up, how about that smiley face?"

Ms. Skullnick bared her jagged, chipped teeth.

"Not quite what I was going for."

"Well, can't give you anything more. I'm setting sail with Captain Triceps here."

"What about my smiley face!" Star shouted.

"Try studying! Goodbye forever, brats!"

Marcie shrugged. "Well, it is good advice."

* * *

"So long story short, Ms. Skullnick ran off with a bull demon guy. And we have no teacher."

Silence, for a brief second, and then a shout. "Star Butterfly rules!" Justin shouted. 

"Yeah girl!" Jackie Lynn Thomas shouted as well. "Ms. Skullnick was, like, a horrible teacher. I'm not even sure some of the things she did were, like, legal."

"Always willing to help! Buuut, you know what? Marcie deserves some of the credit. She helped me a bunch."

"Aw, really? Nice job, dude."

Marcie blushed and muttered "yeah, Star's really good at thinking of stuff! I only punched some guys, she deserves the credit."

"Don't steal your own glory, dude, I'm sure you did lots."

Suddenly a portal opened over Ms. Skullnick's desk and Ms. Skullnick herself fell out.

"Oh, hey Ms. Skullnick. How're things going in smoochland?"

"Awful! He dumped me when he heard I wasn't born a troll. It was awful! At least that's what I think he did, I couldn't understand a word he was saying! AWFUL!"

Star moved to do... something? Pat her back, at least. But Ms. Skullnick... well, "brushing her off" was putting it mildly. She growled. "Don't touch me, princess! And get ready for the worst pop quiz of your life!" 

The class groaned. "Oh... Marcie, I'm sorry that happened. Did I embarrass you in front of Jackie?"

"Are you kidding me? That was the most I've ever talked to her!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know, you'd make a pretty okay friend matchmaker, even if you aren't great at the romantic part of things."

"Wow, thanks! This means I'm even better at matchmaking than I am at magic!" Star's wand fired, turning Marcie's head into a giant, on-fire butterfly.

"Um... oops?"

* * *

_Marcie is mad at me. It's really understandable, though. Luckily I managed to get her head back to normal. Whoops!_


	6. School Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star misunderstands the meaning of "football", thinking it's an actual battle, while Marcie helps her friend Ferguson, who is the mascot, not get kidnapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty similar to canon today.

"Ooh, why are we going in the football field?" Star wondered.

"Pep rally," Marcie sighed. "It's gonna be awful."

"Fun! I can't wait! My very first pep rally! I'm so excited. Also," Star added, as they sat down in the bleachers. "What's a pep rally?"

Marcie sighed and smiled. "We channel our school spirits and get ready to beat the schools that we're playing football against."

"Playing? Is this a game?"

"Well, it's –"

"This isn't a game, it's a war!" Miss Skullnick interjected, her voice about as gravelly as a troll's voice could go, which was about forty metric tons of gravel. "And this is going to be a bloodbath! The Silver Hill Prep Warriors are unbeatable!"

"Yeah!" Alfonzo replied. "We're going to get crushed by their muscles! Their awful, awful muscles!"

Star gasped and covered her mouth. "How do I help stop this carnage?"

"You could talk to the School Spirit Committee. Those guys are relentless when it comes to supporting the team."

"Okay, will do!" Star ran off.

Suddenly and without prior indication that he was going to do anything but sleep in his fancy principal chair, Principal Skeeves stood up and introduced the head cheerleader "who was chosen, of course, for her brilliant cheering skills and not because her parents made a very large, very generous donation to the school!" Brittney Wong was her name, and cheering was her game. 

"Alright! Go, Echo Creek! Let's try not to get beat! Go, Echo Creek! Let's try not to get beat! Go, go, go, yeah!"

Brittney Wong stepped off of her position on the back of some poor, hapless cheer squad member, and grabbed the microphone. "Make some noise if you love the Awesome Opossums!"

The stands cheered.

"And here is our very own mascot, the awesome opossum himself!"

The mascot stepped out onto the field.

"Wait, is that a guy in a fake opossum suit? What happened to the real opossum?"

"It... wasn't playing possum." Alfonzo sighed. 

The guy in the opossum suit lost his pants, and frantically put them back on again, but Marcie recognized the voice saying "sorry, how embarrassing, dangit."

"Is that... Ferguson?"

"Yeah, dude, he's the mascot this time! Cool, isn't it?"

"But the Warriors steal the mascot every year! We need to keep him safe!"

"Okay, dude!"

And thus, Marcie and Star both found themselves occupied by important duties. Pity they didn't communicate more, it would've saved them both some hassle.

* * *

Star gazed at the old photos of the sports teams in the trophy case. "So many brave young sacrifices," Star whispered, and drew a frowny face on the glass with her breath.

Marcie swept the hallway. She examined every surface as she went, but tried to be as stealthy as possible. And then she saw a dark figure looking at the trophies on the shelf. She moved forward, ready to attack –

"Oh, hey Marcie," Star said, not taking her eyes off of the trophy case. "What do you recommend to avoid another tragic loss to our team?"

"Oh, probably use the element of surprise!"

"Of course, of course!"

"Uh... I dunno, something the Spirit Committee would approve of, like, say, a kitty cat offensive, or throwing some firecrackers." 

"That's a great idea! I'll definitely bring it up with the Spirit Committee!" Star said, racing off.

Marcie brought out a walkie-talkie and spoke into it. "Sweep over. You're clear. Move, move, move!" 

"Uh, we're just over here. You don't need to use your walkie-talkie." Alfonzo said from across the hall.

"Did I stutter?" Marcie asked her walkie-talkie. "Let's go! Move!"

* * *

It took Star a while to find the Spirit Committee. Not because they were well-hidden, Star noted disapprovingly, but because she didn't know where they were practicing, and it didn't occur to her to check the gym first.

She came in just in time to distract some of the Spirit Committee into missing their cues, making everything fall apart. It wasn't, to be fair, totally her fault, but, to be unfair, it was also kind of her fault for kicking the doors down.

"Brave soldiers! Listen to me! I have some plans for the battle ahead! Wait, what are you holding? Pom-poms? Do they explode? Or maybe we could set them on fire!"

Brittney snorted. "We have an extra special secret move this year! We are... going to distract the Warriors with out booty shakes!" Brittney and two other cheerleaders demonstrated.

Star was distracted. But she pulled herself out of it quickly. "No responsible warrior would be distracted by booty shakes! How can you rely on that to win? Trust me, I can help you, I was practically raised by the royal guard!"

"Uh, I know that on planet 'Moo-ni' or whatever it's called, it's okay to be stupid, but you are not going to question my leadership! You are officially banned from the Spirit Committee!"

"What? But the coming battle is so important! You can't ban me, I can help you!"

Brittney held up her megaphone. "Two, four, six, eight, if you would leave that would be great!" she shouted into it, blowing Star's hair back. 

Star sighed. "Great. I guess I'll have to do it myself." She turned around and walked out of the gym, magically fixing and then slamming the doors behind her.

* * *

Marcie and Alfonzo walked Ferguson to the Diaz household. Marcie grabbed something from her pocket and gave it to Ferguson. "Here. A 'stranger danger' whistle. When you blow it, everyone will hear you! If anyone tries to kidnap you, you blow the whistle and we come and save you!"

Ferguson looked at Marcie, and Marcie looked at Ferguson. Ferguson was wearing a small frown and a nervous expression. Marcie was wearing a large, uncomfortable smile and an eye twitch.

"Uh, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this," Ferguson admitted. "I only dressed up in the opossum costume to get a date with the cheerleading squad. Hey, 'opossum costume'! That rhymes! Isn't that funny? Ha ha ha..."

* * *

Star stood over a dumpster full to the brim with trash, and four stray cats eating the thrown out food. It was a wonderscape of microbial life, but would probably give the average human poison damage simply by standing too close. 

Star was not a normal human. She leaned in close, and asked: "You guys ready to be part of my kitty cat offensive?"

The cats meowed.

Star sighed. "Ugh, fine. Then I guess we gotta do this the hard way!" She jumped into the dumpster. "Kitty!"

Yowling and growling and rattling came from the dumpster. It shook. "I got you now!" Star's voice echoed.

* * *

Back at the Diaz household, Ferguson asked Marcie when he'd be able to get home. In the distance, squirrels ran over power lines.

"You're not going home tonight!"

"But it's Taco Wednesday! The day we eat all of the leftovers from Taco Tuesday!"

"Think about this! Your home will be the first place the Warriors look for you when they come kidnap you! So we can't go to your house! So be quiet and grateful that you're not being kidnapped!"

"This kinda feels like kidnapping," Ferguson pointed out.

"I'd better not hear that kind of talk from you if you ever want to see your family again!" Marcie shouted.

In the distance, Star chased the squirrels that ran over power lines. She grabbed a squirrel and fell off the power lines and then popped up by the window. "Hey Marcie, where do you guys keep the highly flammable liquids?"

"Uh, I don't know, try the garage?" Marcie... was it a response or a question? Unclear.

"Man, I bet everyone would love me if I had a real prehensile tail," Ferguson sighed.

"Oh, yeah, probably."

* * *

The Spirit Committee danced. "Two, four, six, eight, distract them with our booty shake!" Announcing your plan to everyone is a bad move, Star could've told you that. 

"Look at this, Ferguson!" Marcie said, grinning at the kid in his possum costume. "It's almost game time and no Warrior has gotten close to you!"

"Who's ready for the bloody bloody bloodbath?!" Star yelled. Her wand had become a mace, her clothes spiked battle armor, and her cheekmarks were skulls.

"Star? Uh, Star, can I talk to you for a moment?" Marcie pulled Star to the side. The minute she turned her back, the Warriors carried off Ferguson. Such is life. 

"What is it, Marcie?"

"You do realize that football is just a game, right? No one's going to get bloody. At least, not as bloody as you were kinda implying."

"Wait, what?"

"Football is a game, where you throw a ball at some goal posts. It's not a battle."

Star gasped. "Oh. I guess I shouldn't've booby-trapped the field, then."

"You WHAT?"

Before the two could say anything else, the referee's whistle blew and the football players charged forwards. They stepped on the mines in the grass and a rainbow explosion wiped out half of the Warriors. Everyone panicked, and Star and Marcie watched the destruction, half alarmed and half in awe. 

"Oh, no... everything's going according to plan!"

The panicking students set off more booby-traps and soon demonic squirrels and cats were running wild, destroying things. 

"Let me guess, the kitty cat offense?" Marcie sighed.

Star chuckled nervously.

"We have to do something, come on!" Marcie dragged Star into the fray, punching aside a squirrel monster that was trying to bite one of the Warriors. 

"Thanks, dude!" the Warrior said, giving Marcie a thumbs up.

"Do yourself a favor and get out of here so I don't have to rescue you again!"

"Right-o, dudes," the Warrior got up, brushed himself off, and ran away screaming.

A magical bird hovered over the crowd and grabbed one of the Warriors. A giant squirrel pounced on Marcie, and Star was trying to free one of the Warriors from a black vortex. "Marcie!" Star yelled, dropping the Warrior and running to Marcie. 

"Oh, yeah, go save your friend, don't pay any attention to me," the Warrior sighed.

Star jumped into the air, changing her mace back to a wand. "Magic glow that I have spelled, may you henceforth be expelled!" Star shouted, and one of the demonic squirrel creatures transformed back into a regular squirrel and then ran off. 

The Spirit Committee raced across the field, with Brittney Wong charging in the front. "Out of my way! I am too pretty to die!"

A giant snake burrowed underneath Brittney and popped its head out of the ground. Britney screamed as the giant snake struck at her.

"Magic glow that I have spelled, may you henceforth be expelled!" Star shouted. "Man, that spell is long!"

The snake turned into... worms. Not snakes, even though it acted and looked very snakelike. Well, magic doesn't always make sense, I suppose. 

Marcie got several Warriors off of the field, but he soon was surrounded by the kitty cat offense. 

"Uh, drat!" Star gasped, too far away to get to Marcie. "I know! Nuclear magic glow that I have spelled, may you all henceforth be expelled!" 

That little remix did the trick, as the whole field got overwhelmed by the de-magic ray. All of the cats and squirrels were turned back to normal.

In the distance, two of the Warriors carried off Ferguson. "Come on fellas, can't we discuss this man to possum?!" Ferguson pleaded.

Before they could get far, the Warriors carrying Ferguson were blasted away by some of Star's landmines. Ferguson was freed. "Hey, Marcie, you were right! They were trying to kidnap me!"

"Ferguson! Get off the field!"

"What? I can't hear you through all the explosions! Let me get closer!" Ferguson ran forwards, bless his little heart, and stepped on a landmine. Everything exploded.

Well, not everything. For instance, Marcie. Marcie didn't explode. But she did yell "FERGUSON! NOOOO!"

She raced to her fallen friend and wept. "He was too young to die! Probably, I don't even know how old he is!"

Ferguson opened his eyes and giggled. "It's okay, I'm just playing possum!"

Marcie shook Ferguson angrily. "This is why you only have two friends!"

"Careful dude... I think I broke a rib."

Star looked out at the devastation and groaned. "I feel awful! I really messed up."

"No, we really messed up. I should've gotten bad vibes the moment you asked for highly flammable liquids."

A Warrior stood up and gasped. "Let's get out of here before reinforcements arrive!"

The Warriors dashed away into their fancy school bus, and it sped away.

"Hey, they just forfeited!" That was a boy named Justin, who had no reason to know a word as fancy as "forfeited'. "We win! Star Butterfly rules!"

The crowd stood up and cheered. The Opossums picked up Star, Marcie, and Ferguson.

"Who-hoo!" Star shouted. "Huh... I just think I'm forgetting something."

Suddenly the magical bird from before swooped down and snatched Marcie up.

"Oh, yeah, that would do it." Star grabbed her wand.

* * *

_I got Marcie back, eventually. But that's a whole other story._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up:
> 
> The Other Exchange Student: One of the Diazes's previous exchange students, Gustav, visits the Diazes and Star gets jealous. 
> 
> Cheer Up, Star!: Marcie tries to cheer up Star after the boy she gave her number to doesn’t call her back, resulting in an army of monsters chasing them into the shed.


	7. The Other Exchange Student

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the Diazes's previous exchange students, Gustav, visits the Diazes and Star gets jealous.

Star walked downstairs and stretched, yawning.

The room before her was dark... until it wasn't. Marcie flipped the switch. 

"Happy forty-seventh day on Earth, Star!" Mrs. Diaz, Mr. Diaz, and Marcie cheered.

The laser puppies yipped. They were pretty cute. 

Star squealed. "A party? For me? I can't believe it!"

"You can't?" Marcie wondered. "We've done this every day since you got here."

"Here, Star. I made you a cake." Mr. Diaz held out a cake with Star's face on it.

":And I wrote you a poem!" Mrs. Diaz crowed, grabbing a piece of paper. "Our lives were so small and puny 'til this angel arrived from Mewni! That's all there is, it's a bit of a work in progress."

Star gasped and sniffled. She accepted a balloon from Mrs. Diaz. Marcie did her best to avoid looking weirded-out. She was only partially successful. 

The doorbell rang.

"Ahh, thank goodness," Marcie breathed out. "It was getting a little sappy in here. I'll go get it!"

Star followed Marcie to the door, peeking out from behind Marcie's shoulder. Marcie opened the door.

Standing before them was a boy with a giant backpack and dressed in a sweater and knit cap.

"Gustav!" Marcie shouted, hugging him. "Star, this is Gustav. He was our exchange student last year! Gustav, wow, a lot has happened. I'm Marcie now. And this is Star!"

Star frowned. "I thought I was your one and only exchange student."

"No, you're really not," Marcie said, pointing to a wall full of pictures. "Those are all our other exchange students. Gustav is one of them!"

Gustav nodded enthusiastically, and then spoke in a truly cartoonish Swedish accent. "Hello Star! Hello Diaz family! I brought gifts from Scandinavia! For Mrs. D, a pair of clogs! For Marcie, a handheld game, _Lederhosen Tycoon_! And for Mr. D, an authentic Viking helmet!"

It really wasn't. For one thing clogs are from Holland, not Scandinavia, and Vikings were a lie the English told to comfort themselves on dark, lonely nights. Ugh. What are they teaching the kids these days?! Cultural awareness this is not. 

Gustav turned to Star. "And for you... nothing! I did not know you existed! Ha-ha!"

"Oh."

"Oh! Mrs. D, you've gotten so thin! I need to fatten you up!"

Mrs. Diaz laughed. Mr. Diaz laughed. Marcie laughed. Star did not laugh. "I do not get Earth humor."

"Come, everyone, and I will cook you my meatballs."

"Oh, Gustav!" Marcie giggled. 

Gustav lead the Diazes into the kitchen leaving Star behind. The balloon that Star was still holding spontaneously deflated. Star growled in irritation.

* * *

Gustav stirred a bowl of meat. Gustav was regaling the Diazes with a tale of danger and intrigue. "The Scandinavian monsoons were over, but the danger had just begun! The iceberg was sinking. Heedless of my own peril, I disrobed! I dove into the freezing fjord and carried the polar bear cub back to the loving arms of his mother!"

So. Many. Inaccuracies! Polar bears can swim, Scandinavia's monsoons are created by the government to wash clean the Earth – everyone has vacation time, and the animals have gotten used to them, and, finally, polar bear mothers would kill you as soon as looking at you. I worked so hard on making this timeline as close to your Earth as possible, and this kid is making all of my hard work look like nothing!

The Diazes bought it, though. So did Star, because she didn't know enough about Earth to dispute it. And besides, she did cooler things than save a polar bear cub all the time! She did cooler things for breakfast. So why not accept a story about saving one piddly little polar bear?

Gustav scooped up a meatball (with a spoon, of course. We don't want to be unsanitary, here). "Marcie! Think fast!" He flung the meatball at Marcie, who caught it in her mouth.

Marcie made loud chewing noises. It was exactly as disgusting as it sounded.

Star pushed around the meatballs on her plate. "So uh, Gustav, where exactly are you from?"

Gustav narrowed his eyes. "How much do you know about Europe?"

"I know it's a place. I'm pretty sure."

"Ohh, well, then. I come from the country of Scandinavia. It is a land where Vikings teach gym classes and everyone has a pet penguin, even if you don't like penguins. Oop, too bad, here's your penguin!"

"Hmm, okay. Checks out." Star didn't know anything about Earth, or she would've noticed the _glaring faults_ in the story. Like the fact that penguins don't live in the North Pole. Or that Vikings never existed. Or that the logistics of making every person in a country own a pet penguin would be practically impossible. Only one alternate dimension I've heard of has been able to do it!

"Hey, Gustav! I'm open, meatball me!"

Gustav flung another meatball at Marcie, and she caught it with her mouth and chewed annoyingly loud. Again.

Star could've swear Marcie wasn't this annoying most of the time. Something about Gustav was, in fact, making all of the Diazes seem really annoying. Guess he just brought out the worst in them. (Or it was just Star being capital J Jealous, but let's forget that option. I... intensely dislike Gustav, too, Star. Me too.)

"Ooh, now me, Gustav! Now me!" Mr. Diaz yelled, opening his mouth. "Come on!"

Gustav threw two meatballs at Mr. Diaz, and he caught them on his helmet horns. Waste of perfectly good meatballs.

Marcie whooped with her mouth full. It was disgusting.

"Are you sure these are cooked?" Star asked.

"Over here!" Mrs. Diaz shouted. 

Marcie smiled though happy tears. "Just think – three more weeks of this!"

Star looked weirded out, which was a total role reversal from before. But we aren't even at the real Role Reversal yet, so... yeah.

* * *

Star walked downstairs and stretched, yawning. 

"Surprise!" the Diaz family shouted.

"Aah, a party for m –"

"Happy second day of your visit, Gustav!"

Gustav came down the stairs behind Star. "Oh, Diaz family. You are so full of pleasantness!"

"Gustav! Gustav, Gustav! Gustav!" shouted the Diazes. 

Star growled in annoyance and sat down on the couch. Gustav's bag fell onto the floor. "Huh?" Star gasped.

Inside Gustav's bag were maps and several books, all on Scandinavia. There was _Scandinavia for Doofuses_ and _Customs of Scandinavia_. Star picked up _Scandinavian for Doofuses_. "Whaaat?"

Gustav grabbed the book from Star and handed her a slice of cake. "Oh, look at you! Such a curious girl! Now, eat your cake and _mind your own business_!"

"Okay...?" Star sighed.

Gustav smiled. "More cake for everyone! And meatballs!"

Star pulled Marcie aside. "Marcie, listen. There's something off about Gustav. I found Scandinavian books and maps in his bag. Why would someone need to learn his own language?"

Marcie sighed. "Uh..."

"Why is he always making meatballs? Meatballs aren't so great! I can make things too!" Star used her magic wand to make a spider in a top hat. That's about as many spiders with top hats as this story's going to get, sorry. Too much to do, too much to say.

Anyways, back to the story. "Uh, jealous, much?" Marcie asked. 

"Hey, Marcie! Think fast!" Gustav shouted. 

Marcie caught the meatball in her mouth. "I hope he never leaves!"

Mrs. Diaz laughed, raising her hand at Gustav's offered cake. "Oh, no thank you! I'm full!"

"I insist!" Gustav shouted, shoving a whole slice of cake in Mrs. Diaz's mouth, not breaking eye contact with Star the entire time. 

"Oh! That is... a very big bite!"

Star shuddered. Her cake was left uneaten.

* * *

Over the next week, Star observed Gustav. She took pictures of him all the time: when he took a mysterious secret phone call and when he packed an axe into his backpack, from a tree when he made more and more and more meatballs. Buff Frog was in that tree, too, and they politely nodded to each other before going about their business.

She continued watching Gustav, and her health started taking a dive along with it. Her hair got matted as she glued pieces of paper to the wall, watched Gustav measuring Mr. and Mrs. Diaz in their sleep, and glued more photos to her wall.

She was close to something, she could feel it.

* * *

Marcie walked up to Star's bedroom door. She had no reason to be worried. "Oh, Star! We're about to – "

The door slammed open, and Marcie was pulled inside. "Wha...?"

Star pinned Marcie to the wall. Marcie saw... photos of Gustav on the wall, with red string strewn about, and a Star that looked... really off the rails, if you know what I mean. "What's going on?!"

Star breathed heavily. "I've been awake for days spying on Gustav, and I'm _this_ close to figuring out what he's plotting!"

"What?!"

"His stories don't add up, Marcie! Penguins? Icebergs? Polar bears?! What the heck is a polar bear?! And he's making phone calls, Marcie. Phone calls! He's up to something terrible!"

"...You have lost your mind. But if you find it, we're meeting Gustav for a picnic at Isolation Point, where no one can hear you scream... of enjoyment! Maybe come by if you want to."

Marcie left the room.

Star looked at her wall and thought, with visions of Gustav and the Diazes drifting in her head. "You're too thin... I need to fatten you up!" And then she got it, for a certain value of "it."

"Gustav isn't taking the Diazes on a picnic! They are the picnic!" Star gasped out. 

She raced to the front porch and saw the minivan drive away. "Bunny Rabbit Blast!" Star gasped out. She rocketed to the top of the car and secured herself with a seatbelt. She hung over the side of the car and pounded on the window. "You're all going to die!"

"Oh, we're gonna eat some meatballs in the woods! Yeah, we're gonna eat some meatballs in the woods (In the woods). Yeah, we're gonna eat –" Uh, you get the gist. The Diazes were singing, and it was annoying.

The minivan drove its way towards an intersection, and Star saw her chance. She rotated the sign for Isolation Point so it was pointing left instead of right, and got off the car. She tumbled down and ran for the real Isolation Point, a brooding and sinister-looking mountain off in the distance. 

Thunder rumbled as Star came upon the campsite. Gustav prepared a campfire, and brought out the axe. Lightning struck as Star revealed herself. "I knew you were up to no good, meatball boy!" Star shouted, brandishing her wand.

Now, you should know what Star was expecting. Some sort of boss fight, with an epic soundtrack playing as she fought some powered up version of Gustav, ultimately winning through sheer gut and the forces of good on her side.

Instead, Gustav turned around and ran.

Star aimed her narwhal and magic mushroom blasts at Gustav, but he evaded her. He raced across a bridge and used his axe to cut the ropes, and turned to laugh at Star, but Star just turned the bridge into a dragon and rode its back to pin Gustav down. "It's over! Give it up, Gustav!"

Gustav screamed. 

"It's over, Gustav! I know you aren't who you say you are!"

Gustav cried like a baby. "It's true! I'm full of lies!"

"So, you admit you're planning to eat the Diazes?!"

"Yes, yes! ...Wait, what? No, I don't want to eat them!"

"But you said..."

Gustav dropped his ridiculous accent. "I mean, I'm not from Scandinavia. Truth is my name is Charlie Booth, and I'm just a guy from Bakersfieldville."

"You're from where?"

"Nobody's heard of it. Back home, I'm just another boring face in a really boring crowd. It's not a good place for a talented guy like me."

"But – But what about the phone calls? And the axe? And those meatballs?!"

"Uh, the phone calls were to my meat guy, but he wouldn't pick up. The axe was to cut firewood for today's feast. As for the meatballs, my dream is to become a chef and open a restaurant in Bakersfieldville that uses spices and flavors! So that's why I ran away and moved in with the Diazes."

"But what about measuring the Diazes in their sleep?"

"Uuhhhhaaaahhhuuuuhhhhhhhhhh..."

A car zoomed by, and then slowly stopped and backed up. The window rolled down, and Mr. Diaz's smiling face was revealed. "Hi Gustav! Hi Star, standing ominously over Gustav! Good on you to make it here! Hope we're not too late, the street signs lied to us!"

Star turned to the Diazes. "I came here to tell you something about Gustav."

A second of silence. Then... "He made you more meatballs!"

"Aw, yeah!" The three Diazes got out of the car and ran to the campsite.

"Oh, uh, thanks Star, for not revealing my secret. I owe you big time."

"Why yes you do, Gustav."

"...What are you going to make me do?"

Star simply smiled, and whispered her request in Gustav's ear.

The two of them walked back towards the campsite, and Star had fun catching Gustav's meatballs with her mouth. She realized that Gustav wasn't the one distracting the Diazes, she was. She had been so caught up by her jealousy that she had acted different than she normally did, and the Diazes had subconsciously noticed, and blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah. 

She was almost sad when she was waving goodbye to Gustav, two weeks ahead of schedule. Almost. "Goodbye! Bye-bye! Bye!"

"Bye! Sorry, something urgent came up back in good ol' Scandinavia, goodbye, Diaz family!"

"See you next year!"

"Or not! You never know! Bye now!"

Star and Marcie went inside and closed the door.

"Surprise! Happy fifty-fourth day on Earth, Star!"

The laser puppies yipped.

"Aah! A party for me?!" Star gasped.

"Here, Star, have some cake," Marcie handed Star some cake. Then she was the one pulling Star aside. "You found out Gustav is a fake, right?"

"What? Nooo. Uh... yeah, how did you know?"

"He leaves abruptly after you clearly expressed how much you disliked him? It was pretty obvious. Don't worry, we know too. He couldn't fake exchange papers that easily."

"Oh thank the Forces of Evil, keeping that secret was so hard. You aren't mad at me for forcing him away, are you?"

"Eh, don't worry. I only liked his meatballs. You have way more than that!"

* * *

Somewhere that is not the Diaz's house, there is a knock on the door. A family says an enthusiastic hello to one Francois, who looks suspiciously like Gustav. Charlie Booth offers them baguettes and asks for a place to stay for a while. When the family invite him in, he glances furtively to each side, and then walks in.

* * *

_Gustav is gone, thank goodness. I took up pages and pages on rants about how terrible he is, so you know how bad he is. I have to say that I feel kinda bad about his leaving, though. He did make really nice meatballs and seemed so sad to go. Oh, well. I don't have to deal with him anymore, and that's a good thing, right? Even if it was blackmail, and it was. Oh well._


	8. Cheer Up, Star!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marcie tries to cheer up Star after the boy she gave her number to doesn’t call her back, resulting in an army of monsters chasing them into the shed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, there wasn't much to work with in canon.

Let's get right into the action. 

Star and Marcie were facing off against a huge army of monsters. Several monsters, like a giant lizard person and a guy with spiked balls for hands, plus a sentient idea about sharp stabby things, were their opponents. Ludo cackled in the distance. "We've got them cornered!"

"There's too many of them!" Marcie gasped out.

"No kidding! How did these guys get here?"

"No time! Retreat, retreat, retreat!" Marcie grabbed Star's hand and raced to the garage. They barricaded the doors shut.

"What now?" Star asked.

"We make armor." Marcie grabbed various things – paint cans, a skull-shaped bust, some gardening tools.

"So, how did this happen? What's going on? I mean, it's pretty typical for Ludo to attack us with his monsters, but..." Star trailed off when she saw the expression on Marcie's face.

"I'm pretty sure... this is all my fault." Marcie sighed. "I was so stupid!"

"Marcie. Explain this, please. What could you have done to summon an army of monsters?"

"Well, it all goes back to that day... when I was having a really bad day."

"Hmm... oh! That day! I remember that day, it was truly awful. You missed the bus, faceplanted in the trash, got a black eye, got laughed at by a random bicyclist, it turned out it was picture day and you were still covered in trash, Jeremy picked on you, and you accidentally broke Jackie's skateboard. I felt really bad for you. Man, that day sucked. For you, at least."

"Yeah, but you did your best to cheer me up. You threw that party, which was in hindsight a pretty bad idea –"

"Who knew you were overwhelmed and the last thing you'd want to do on a bad day was party? Not me, whoops."

"And then you juggled the laser puppies, and then you somehow got yourself to be swallowed by a fish, and that was what got me to laugh! That was amazing."

"So what's the point? I cheered you up when you were having a bad day, so what? What does that have to do with monsters coming and trapping us in the garage?" 

"I'll get to that. See, there was something that happened. Someone who came in and changed everything... Oskar."

"Oh, Oskar," Star said, giggling a little, and sighing. "Oosskkaaarrr."

Marcie waved her hand in front of Star's face. "Star? Star, the point is, you got a crush on this keytar-playing dude named Oskar –"

"Oooossskkaaarr..."

"Star, Star!" Marcie shook Star out of her Oskar-induced fog. "You got a crush on him, and you gave him your number – though, by 'your number' I mean 'my number' and by 'gave it to him' I mean 'stuck it to his keytar.' And then you stole my phone and waited and waited for him to call, but he never did. And you were sad. And because you cheered me up when I was sad, I decided to cheer you up!"

"Oh, that's what you were doing? I... did not realize that."

Marcie sighed. "The point is, I dressed up as a clown. Not my best idea, as it only scared you and gave me several third degree burns. But your first idea wasn't the best either!

"Then I tried to do a pro obstacle course with fireworks. That... was not my best idea either."

"Definitely."

"So I realized, what's the thing that always cheers you up, without fail? When you and I fight monsters together! So I used your want as bait and drew some monsters towards the house. I just didn't expect so many to show up."

"Huh, I wasn't expecting this to actually be your fault, but I was also not expecting the reason for this to be so sweet. You really do care!" 

By this point, Star and Marcie were covered in improvised armor. But it wouldn't last long, because...

The roof was torn off. Something big grabbed Marcie and snatched her out of her armor and away.

Star growled. "Rainbow Exit Beam!" she yelled, and a rainbow beam propelled her out of the garage. She left her improvised armor behind. 

Ludo was cackling while the giant lizard person held Marcie in his grip. "Give it up, Star Butterfly! You're outmatched! Give me the wand! Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"Ludo! What's with all these new monsters?"

"What? These are the same monsters I always bring."

"Uh, I dunno, I've never seen that guy before," Marcie said, pointing at the lizard guy holding her.

"You mean you've never met Man-Arm?"

The giant lizard turned, revealing to Star that one of his arms was a disturbingly realistic human arm that unnervingly stuck out against his scaly body. "Hey. I got in an accident and this was all the doctor had on, heh, _hand._ " 

Marcie nodded sagely. "Hate it when that happens."

"And surely you've met Spikeballs!"

"Actually, we've never formally met," the guy with spiked balls for hands said. He offered Marcie one of his hands and Marcie shook it. "Hi, I'm Spikeballs. I'm usually in the back."

"And what about that guy?" Star said, pointing to the sentient idea about sharp stabby things. "I don't even know if their existence is, like, physically possible."

"Oh, Stabby? I can call you Stabby, right? Good. They's new. They's just here to observe. Something about reviews of evil armies throughout the multiverse, or something. You'll never see them again, so don't worry about it."

The sentient idea about sharp stabby things didn't say anything. They had superior methods of communicating.

"And now that everyone's acquainted, GO GET THE WAND!"

Star immediately switched gears into action. First she blasted Marcie out of Man-Arm's arms and then she started blasting monsters. Marcie dropped down to her side and started hitting and kicking.

"HONEYBEE TORNADO SWARM!" Star shouted, casting her spell. The monsters all fled from the swarm of bees, except for a flower monster, who just laughed.

Marcie kicked away said flower monster and Star took a moment to hug her friend and then moved back into a fighter's stance. "Thanks Marcie! You really did know how to cheer me up! I don't even care that Oskar hasn't called yet!"

As she was talking, Marcie's phone rang.

"Ugh, what is that awful ringtone?" Ludo gasped out. Said ringtone was a beautiful remix of the power ballad known throughout the multiverse as _Space Unicorns_. Marcie yelled something about it being an ironic usage of the power ballad known as _Space Unicorns,_ she wasn't using because she legitimately liked the tune. Liar.

Star ignored Marcie and immediately got out the phone and answered the call. "Uh, hi!"

Oskar was at the end of the phone. Oskar... "Uh, hi," he replied. "So, I'm calling this phone number on my phone."

"Thank you for calling," Star gasped out, dodging a monster attack. Marcie kicked away the monster and gave Star a thumbs-up. "Uh, I mean, hi!"

"Hi."

"So, what're you –" they said in unison.

"Oh, sorry, I interrupted you. Go on," Star said nervously.

Bear-icorn roared in Star's face. Star was shocked. Shocked, I tell you! "Oskar, would you please excuse me for a moment? Uh, I am ON THE PHONE! You monsters are SO RUDE!"

Star was really mad now. The monsters gulped. 

"SYRUP TSUNAMI SHOCKWAVE!" Star yelled, casting a wall of syrup that stuck to everything it touched – including Marcie – and was... honestly? Pretty disgusting. But it had epic theme music, so there was that.

Star picked the phone back up. "Whew, sorry about that... uh, cool?"

"Cool."

"Uh, okay, bye. I like your phone voice. Bye." She hit the hangup button and than sighed happily. "Osskkkarrr."

Chaos and devastation were presently engaged in the Diaz's backyard as the monsters tried to unstick themselves from... well, everything. "Sticky. So sticky," one of them commented.

"Aw, thanks Marcie!" Star said, giggling. "You did know just how to cheer me up. And, Oskar called anyways! Isn't that great? Hug!"

She didn't wait for Marcie's response before hugging her, which was a bad thing, because Star immediately got stuck to Marcie.

A random bicyclist guy came up and laughed at them. "Let me guess, the bicyclist guy who laughed at you when you were having that bad day?"

"Yep. Definitely."

* * *

_We got out of the syrup a few days later when my wand finally dispelled it, but not after Marcie's parents, Janna Ordonia, Alfonzo and Ferguson, this beautiful business man, a hairy guy, and twenty different squirrels got stuck to us. Oops._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapters:
> 
> Quest Buy: Star decides to get a new charger for her magic mirror from Quest Buy, a magical retail store. While there, she runs into Ludo and his minions.
> 
> Diaz Family Vacation: When she discovers she has nothing to give the Diazes for their anniversary, Star takes them on a tour of Mewni. Problem is, she’s not supposed to leave Earth, so when she sees her father, she pushes the Diazes into the Forest of Certain Death.


	9. Quest Buy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star decides to get a new charger for her magic mirror from Quest Buy, a magical retail store. While there, she runs into Ludo and his minions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter again, but I wanted to introduce Quest Buy and show that Star's wand is... very unique.

Marcie got up, stretched, and walked into the bathroom. She brushed her hair, paying attention to every strand. It was almost perfect –

One of Star's many hair dryers blew her hair all the way out of the town of Whack. "Ugh, Star!"

"Hah, whoops. It's okay, though, you gotta get used to it. Your hair will always be out of whack if you're gonna grow it out. It's what happens with long hair!"

Marcie sighed. "No, Star, I'm irritated that your mess is on my side of the bathroom. And it's so messy! How can you find anything in there?" Marcie attempted to push Star's monumental accumulations of assorted magical bathroom junk over to Star's side of the double vanity. Marcie eventually gave up and vacuumed the mess up with her mini-vac. Which she had. "Hope nothing in there was important, because it's going in the vacuum now."

Star just giggled. "Well, for your information, I have my mess here, and, uh, well, that's pretty much my system! Nothing important gets lost! Hey, have you seen the charger for my magic mirror?"

"No. Is that important?"

Star gasped. "Important? My mirror must be charged with magic crystals every day! If I don't get it soon, my mirror will die permanently! And that would be awful!"

Marcie shrugged. "See, you should get a system like mine! Nothing is ever out of place!" She opened the door of her cabinet to demonstrate. Sure enough, everything was marked down in a set place.

"Marcie! You have to focus! If I lose the magic mirror, I lose contact with Mewni! That would be awful!"

"Awful, yes. Definitely. Hey, aren't you scared of your mom?"

"Well, yes, but I still love her! And I don't want to lose contact with her!"

"Well, if we can't find it, what happens?"

"I told you, my mirror will be dead – wait! I can get a new charger! Duh!"

"Where would we get a magical charger? We can't exactly just walk to the corner store and get whatever it is you need."

"Hah, silly! That's why we have these!" Star grabbed the dimensional scissors and opened a dark blue escutcheon (shield-shaped) portal. "We're going to Quest Buy!"

"Quest Buy? Hah, is that like Best B –" Marcie was abruptly stopped mid-sentence by Star grabbing her and shoving her through the portal. Star followed right behind her.

"Whoa," Marcie gasped, looking around the enormous magical department store. "This is amazing! Ghost repellant? Extra-strength garden gnomes? Wooow!" All around her were tons and tons of magical junk for sale at reasonable prices. Marcie tried to play it cool. "I mean, it's all a bunch of junk, or course, but it's pretty cool!"

"Yeah, I figured you'd like it. Now we can't analyze the meaning of every speck of stuff in this place, we gotta go! Come on!"

Marcie nodded as Star dragged her along. "So... how do you find anything in here?"

"Legend has it that the builders of this place had an ancient system that kept things organized – in their eyes. Many have gone mad trying to decipher it. But I've been going here for a while, I know my way around here! Come on, come on!"

The two journey onwards, encountering a sphinx that was disgruntled at this generation's Internet capabilities, a room with walls that moved in on them, and a room with rambling, prophetic mutterings scribbled everywhere. Marcie stopped and gazed at that last one for a while before Star dragged her out. _THE FORCES OF EVIL ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM!_ was scribbled seemingly everywhere, along with some cryptic ramblings about incoming magical doom and the wrath of an all-powerful god. Star just sighed. "I've been in there before, it's not very interesting, let's go."

"So," Marcie said, pulling herself from Star's grasp. "When magic objects die, they die forever?"

"Yeah! Even my wand would die if it died, if that makes sense. Luckily this baby doesn't need a charger! I dunno how you'd kill it."

"Huh, interesting. Luckily I brought a notebook... but I left a pen at home. Darn it."

"Who's disorganized now?" Star wondered.

Marcie stopped. "Wait, ghost repellant? Extra-strength garden gnomes? You're the disorganized one, Star. This is back where we began!"

"Wait, how did that happen?! I took a right turn, then a right turn, then a right... My system failed me! This couldn't get any worse!"

"Why hello, Star Butterfly! Seems Quest Buy really does have everything I want!" 

"Ludo? Where did you come from?"

"For your information, I was looking for a charger for my wand. Not all of us can have perpetual motion wands. Which is why I want your wand! Did I just say too many 'wands'? No, I don't think I did!" Ludo and his army leapt forwards, and Marcie barely got Star out of the way in time, Marcie being quicker in surprise situations than Star.

Marcie jumped further into action and grabbed a box of some unidentifiable substance that had been very neatly stacked up next to her and threw it at one of the monsters. Then it was her turn to drag Star, and they raced forward and around the display.

Star snapped out of her confusion. "I don't recognize this part of the store at all! What are we going to do?"

"Do things the organized way!" Marcie said confidently. "I have a plan!" She looked at the map, which actually was a good idea. Pity it only said "you might be here," but it would do me good to not underestimate Marcie.

"Okay, that way! The elevator will take us the the chargers department! Probably!" The two ran to the elevator and got on.

"GET THE WAND!" Ludo shouted. He's a repetitive guy at heart. The gang of monsters ran after Star and Marcie. "GET IT GET IT GET IT!"

The gang got in the second elevator, and shot after Star and Marcie. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the elevator stalled out and they had to get off at the booby traps department. Luckily Marcie still had her bearings, and dragged them both through the traps.

The pair raced through the blowdart storms and the smashing walls and the blades of doom, losing monsters as they struggled on through the traps until they finally got through to the charger department. Marcie ordered Star to hold off the monsters as she looked through the chargers.

Star raced back to the entrance to the charger department and started blasting monsters. Marcie looked through the chargers. 

They spent a while doing their respective jobs, getting Quest Buy rather banged up in the process. To be fair, it was mostly Ludo and his minions' fault. The Big Chicken can throw some mean eggs.

Finally, Marcie found the right charger. "Star, I found it!" she shouted.

"Finally! I'm coming!" Star shouted. She paused to punch Buff Frog away from where he was grabbing at her wand. "Gimme the charger! Gimme, gimme!" She grabbed the charger. "Let's go, let's go! FANTASTIC EXIT BEAM!" A beam directed out of the situation pushed Star and Marcie the heck out of dodge.

"Uh, hey," one of the customer service sloths employed at Quest Buy asked. Have I not mentioned? Quest Buy employs sloths as customer service, janitors... pretty much everything. It's not as cute as you'd think, they're anthropomorphic and way uglier than normal sloths. "Are you gonna pay for that charger? Or the several tons of destroyed product?"

"Eh, just put it on my arch-nemesis's tab. He's rich, he can pay for it! Marcie, you look distracted. What's going on?"

"I would be asking why we can't just walk, but that would take away from the fact that I am riding out a magical department store for questing on a magical beam of light. Just... makes me put things in perspective, ya know?"

The sloth nodded (slowly) and walked to Ludo (slowly). "I assume you're the arch-nemesis who's going to pay for this?"

Ludo chuckled nervously. "I seem to have lost my wallet in the fight. Heh, heh, right? I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached to me!"

The sloth just stared.

"Hah, I swear I left my wallet back at my castle! I promise that's the truth and not something I just made up! I swear!"

Still staring.

"Okay, fine, I'll pay for the damages! Just stop staring at me!"

Still star – oh, wait, he blinked. "Yeah, good. I didn't want to have to explain this to my manager."

* * *

"So, you're rich, right?" Marcie asked Star as soon as they got back to Earth.

"Yeah, why?"

"Why couldn't you have paid for the damages to Quest Buy?"

"Ha! My mother told me to never spend money when I could not spend money! And it was Ludo's fault, anyways."

"Yeah, I guess I get that."

"Anyways, I need to go plug this baby in and – whoa!"

"What is it?"

"Look," Star said, pointing towards the sinks and the mirror. "Check it out. Take a gander. Other synonym for look."

Marcie looked. "My mini-vac! It's floating!"

"It's possessed." Star opened up the mini-vacuum and looked inside. "Hey, it's my charger! Wait a minute... you vacuumed up my charger!"

Marcie looked guilty. "Sorry, Star, I didn't think it was important. Your system doesn't really demonstrate what's important, heh. You can have your charger back. Should I stop talking now...?"

Star shrugged, and stuck the charger back in Marcie's mini-vac. "Eh, you can keep the charger. I get a wand and a magic mirror, you get a floating magical vacuum. This way we both win!"

Marcie nodded and stepped towards the mirror. "I hope you learned the benefit of being organized today."

"And I hope you learned how to let your hair down! Metaphorically and literally!" Star said, pushing Marcie in the back.

Normally, Marcie would recover from such a push easily, but this was not a normal situation. Marcie stepped on one of Star's hairdryers, which moved out from under her and she wiped out.

"We really need to organize your side of the bathroom."

"Whatever, I'm going to go plug in my charger."

Marcie sighed. Star never changed, for better or for worse.

* * *

_I got a new charger for my wand! And Marcie got a new floating vacuum. And I made Ludo pay for it! Today was great!_


	10. Diaz Family Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she discovers she has nothing to give the Diazes for their anniversary, Star takes them on a tour of Mewni. Problem is, she’s not supposed to leave Earth, so when she sees her father, she pushes the Diazes into the Forest of Certain Death.

Star sighed. She was so. Bored. Her cheekmarks turned into spinning hourglasses to represent her boredom. She can do that, by the way – change her cheekmarks. It's not completely under her control and they sometimes express things she wants to keep hidden. 

What had her so bored? Well, her mother and father were discussing her father's upcoming lecture on Proper Throne Posture. Star thought it was unimaginably boring, and I agree with her, though I'd add that people were dying, River. In your dimension. Which you are the ruler of. And you're busy talking about proper throne posture.

Luckily for Star, her parents were too distracted by the topic at hand to notice her (very obvious) boredom.

Though her mother had eyes for something else. "Star, are those dimensional scissors?"

Star's eyes widened. "No! No, they're regular Earth scissors. Look!" Star said, frantically cutting some paper. Luckily the fabric of spacetime was particularly thick on Earth, but Star still saw a few tears in reality result from her cutting something as insignificant as paper. She waved them away and showed her parents the snowflake she had created. "See?"

"That's good, Star, as you're not supposed to leave Earth. I know Earth can seem like a backwards and boring place –" That's rich, coming from the Queen of Backwards and Boringville "– but everything is safer with you there."

"Yeah, cause you don't want to deal with me," Star muttered. 

"What? Star, dear, do speak up. I can't hear you when you're mumbling."

"Oh, nothing. Just talking about how wonderful Earth is! I definitely don't want to be anywhere else in the multiverse. Ha ha, travelling. Terrible, right?"

"Indeed, I find it quite a bother. Anyways, we're going to have to cut this meeting short. Your father must get to his throne-sitting lecture! Ta-ta!"

"Oh, thank the Forces of Evil," Star muttered. Would you have a good relationship with people who sent you off to Timbuktu because they seemingly couldn't deal with you? Understandable, really. Not a good thing, but understandable.

"Hey, Star! Want to come down and celebrate my parent's anniversary?" That was Marcie, always willing to come by and make her feel better.

Though this time she only felt worse. "Your parent's anniversary? But I didn't get anything!"

"Don't worry, my gift will cover us both!"

"Nice offer, Marcie, but I want to give them something truly from me! I can't let this go. Your parents are so cool!"

"Cool." Marcie said. "You think they're... cool. Cool. I'm going to have to think about that. Cool."

Exit Marcie.

* * *

Downstairs, Mrs. Diaz played with Mr. Diaz's chest hair. It was exactly as disgusting as it sounds, but Star found it cute and just proof that Marcie's parents were adorable. 

"Guys, guys! I got you a present for your anniversary!" Marcie said, very enthusiastically. 

"Oh, you shouldn't have, Marcie," Mrs. Diaz said, opening the gift. "It's a... fanny pack! Just like last year. Cool!" 

"Yeah, and this year I put lots of cool stuff in them! Like a flame retardant blanket with cute owls on it! And a miniature miniature book of knots! And bubblegum! It's great, right? I even got my own, so we can match!"

Mrs. Diaz nodded and discreetly sighed. "Yet another fanny pack."

Mr. Diaz just smiled enthusiastically. "I really love your gifts, Marcie. Gifts are such a nice way to show someone you love them!"

Star fidgeted with her hair. "So... Mr. and Mrs. Diaz... if you could get aaany gift in the whole wide multiverse, what would you get?"

"Oh, you can call us Angie and Rafael, Star. But if I'd get any gift... I'd love to travel!"

"I would also love to travel!" Rafael gasped. "Travel twins!"

"See the sights, travel the world, be tourists! That would be wonderful!"

"Uh, ahh, uh! Well, uhm, today is your lucky day, 'cause you're getting an all-expenses paid visit to... uh... Mewni!"

Star couldn't take it back, because as soon as she mentioned Mewni, Marcie's parents gasped in excitement. "Mewni! We're going to Mewni! When is it happening?!"

"Uh... It can happen now?"

"Wow, we can use our new fanny packs!" Marcie said, but no one listened to her. They're too busy for you, Marcie. Shh, ssshh, it'll be okay.

"Just one moment – I need to get ready! We aren't dressed for travel and I need my camera! Then we can go!"

There was a brief pause while Rafael and Angie got their stuff ready, dressing in obnoxiously touristy hawaiian shirts with cameras around their necks. 

"You guys look like... tourists!" Marcie sighed. "Let's go! I'm going to learn stuff about Mewni!" No, she wouldn't.

Star opened a portal, and the four stepped through.

Remember, a few chapters back, when I said that Mewni was a huge cesspool of muck, ignorance, and infighting? Well, this is a prime example of it. They entered Mewni in one of the slums, full of mud and sadness. Everything in sight was the color of a wet turd. The sounds of buzzing flies and squealing pig-goats rang through the air. And the smell, oh god the _smell._ It was the smell of dung, unwashed bodies, and desperation. It wormed its way into your nose, making you gasp and cough, and it was so awful you could hear it. This was a place of desperation and poverty, the slum of a rather slummy world. It was not pretty, not scenic, and absolutely disgusting to look at. 

Angie and Rafael started taking pictures immediately.

"Is this where you grew up?" Angie asked Star.

"Nah, I grew up there," Star said, pointing upwards. The Diazes looked up, to a castle gate. "Higher!" An artful mansion on the hill. "Higher!" Finally, they get it right, fixing their eyes on soaring towers that seemed to scrape the clouds.

"Your society is really vertical, isn't it," Marcie commented.

"Yeah, it kinda is," was Star's response. "Wait, what does that mean?"

"Can we go up there?" Angie asked.

"No, you don't want to see that cheesy touristy stuff! What you want is the real Mewni experience!" She extended her hand and the Diazes took in an expanse of mud, pig-goats, and sickly and unhappy people.

It looked about as fun as walking through a swamp to Marcie, and she was about to point that out, but her parents were excitedly wandering around the muddy expanse, so Marcie sighed and shut her mouth. 

Angie said hello to a small child. Said small child growled at her, picked up the unicorn-rat-bird creature he was eating raw – ew – and walked away on all fours.

Rafael said hi to a potion-maker, only for said potion-maker to attempt to dunk him in her green sludge. Luckily Rafael was strong, and was able to wrench himself out of the potion-maker's grasp.

Marcie was about to give it up and order everyone to go home when Rafael laughed. "Sorry, I do not want to take a sample! I'm allergic to peanuts, and your mystical potion there smells like peanuts. Thanks for the offer, though!" Angie was also giggling, and saying "yum, yum, yum." Her parents were... seemingly oblivious to the possible dangers and possibly actually enjoying themselves. Who knew. They were also taking lots of pictures of basically everything. They were going to have lots of memories to remember this by. Great.

Star laughed nervously. "Hey, who wants to see an open-air market?"

People were selling "hydra tail apples," "pickled giant toes," and "shrunken goblin heads." The Diazes walked along, but were stopped by a man in a large cloak. He spread his cloak, displaying the many items hanging inside. "I got what you need!" he said in a low, gravelly voice.

"Oh! I'd like that wind chime!"

"Okay. Cash or credit?"

* * *

Angie jingled the wind chime – which was made of bones – as the four of them wandered around Mewni. Star watched the passerby warily and saw – was that her dad?

It was. Star yelped and ran back to Marcie. "Marcie! My dad's here! We need to leave immediately!"

"What? Your dad's here?"

"I don't know what he's doing here, but if he sees me I am dead. Let's go!"

"Look, Star. We can just say the tour's over and go home. If we're not going to learn interesting lore or ancient history, I'd rather just go home."

"But they're actually enjoying the tour! I can't break it off now!" Star got up and raced back to Angie and Rafael. "Let's go look at... uh, Mewni's natural wonders! Over there!"

"Uh, that sign says that that's the Forest of Certain Death."

"Nonsense, that's just an exaggeration! Let's go!"

"Let's go! I love nature!" 

"Exploration! Exploration!"

Marcie sighed. "Am I the only one who doesn't want to die here? I'm pretty sure I am."

"Now, it's really important to move quickly to... uh, take in all the natural beauty of this forest! There's a bleeding willow tree, and a carnivora blossom, uh, that's a giant mewmantrap there. Let's go, let's go! Come on, come on!"

Marcie, meanwhile, was distracted by all the obviously dangerous stuff everywhere. Like the centipede monster that ran past her when her parents' backs were turned or the giant foot that smashed downward a few inches behind Star when they were turned towards Marcie's shout or the swarm of murderous-looking baboon-faced bees that buzzed by once her parents and Star had dismissed Marcie's fears. "Are you guys really not seeing this?"

"Seeing this? We can't take our eyes off it!" The Diaz parents took more and more photos. 

Marcie sighed. 

The Diaz parents chanted: "Best anniversary ever! Best anniversary ever!"

They walked over a giant mewmantrap. Marcie stopped it by throwing bubblegum in its jaws. Then they walked past carnivorous blossoms that awakened to reveal plant monsters that Marcie stopped by blowing her safety whistle.

Angie and Rafael didn't hear her, because they were walking off into the distance, and Star was running after them, desperately asking for them to slow down. "Please, when I said I wanted to move fast, I didn't mean that fast!"

"Ooh, there's so much to capture! But the best thing to take pictures of is you, my dear," Rafael said as he offered a hand to help Angie up and over a giant fallen tree. 

A few seconds later, Star frantically climbed the same giant log.

Then Star heard her dad. He was saying something about tracks being fresh and licking the ground. Star didn't hear the exact wording, or notice that her dad was wearing only a loincloth, because she ducked behind the log. "What is my dad doing in the Forest of Certain Death? By the Forces of Evil, this is bad."

Marcie wandered by. "Nothing makes you feel more connected to nature than going to the bathroom in the woods."

Star grabbed Marcie and pushed her underneath the log. "My dad's here! It's not safe!"

"I could've told you that."

"Marcie, this is serious! We need to go back to Earth now!" She grabbed Marcie and ran back to where she had left the Diazes when they were taking pictures of a porcupine-like monster, really getting it riled up in the process. "Mr. and Mrs. Diaz, that concludes the tour, thank you for coming – they're not here! Where did they go?"

Marcie wandered after Star, blowing the safety whistle as discreetly as she could to ward off the plant monsters without alerting the king, whose name, unbeknownst to Marcie, was River. Then she heard what Star was saying. "Wait, my parents are gone? Where did they go?"

"Look! Footprints!" Star and Marcie followed the footprints to... a large skull-shaped cave. Great. 

The pair walked nervously into the cave, which was covered in hot springs and strange rock formations. "There's their stuff!" Marcie said. Angie and Rafael's clothes, cameras, and bone wind chime were scattered on the floor. Marcie picked up the wind chimes. "This is where the trail ends. Where did they go?"

Star looked around, sticking her lit wand into a giant hole. Said giant hole was breathing... aaaand it was the nostril of a giant hydra. Star nervously backed away as the hydra was awoken by Star sticking her wand up its nose. It had six heads. Great.

Marcie screamed. "Let's get out of here!"

"No!" Star replied. "That thing ate your parents! Look!" The hydra's belly and neck was wiggling, as if someone was trying to get out.

"Okay, we've faced a lot of dangers like this, it's not like –"

"LOOK OUT!" Star shouted, pushing Marcie out of the way of a burst of fire from one of the hydra's mouths.

"It breathes fire. Okay," Marcie said, pulling the flame retardent blanket out of her fanny pack. "Alright, what's the plan?"

"You got anything else in that fanny pack?" Star asked, impressed with Marcie's preparedness.

"I pretty much used everything up schooling the Forest of Certain Death. I only have this miniature miniature book of knots." Marcie replied, getting it out.

"Aww, it's so cute! Wait, knots? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"No, not really – wait. Yes! Knots, of course!"

The two got out from under the blanket and started goading the dragon with "Come and get me!" and "Eat sparkles, dumb-face!"

The two dodges and ducked, keeping away from the darting heads. The hydra was big and clumsy, so dodging the heads wasn't too hard, and eventually every head was tangled up in a giant knot. The hydra tried to untangle itself but only got itself more tangled. Eventually it suffocated and fell over.

"And, a done!" Star exclaimed. "Whoo-hoo!"

"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!" came a yell. River Butterfly raced off a cliff wearing nothing but a loincloth and facepaint with a bone sticking out of his beard. Two of his manservants, still in their normal formal attire and whose names were Manfred and Georgeinator III, followed quickly after him. River raced towards the hydra, pausing when he saw that it was dead. "Who killed my monst – Star? Is that you?"

"My parents are still in that thing!" Marcie interrupted their awkward staring. Thank goodness, neither of them would've spoken for ages if it wasn't for her intervention.

River cut open the hydra, and several mewman citizens raced out. "Light, finally, light!" yelled a wizened old man who looked like he had been in the hydra's belly for at least a few hundred years. Appearances can be deceiving, he had only been in the hydra's belly for a few weeks. Pansy, in my day we sat in hydra's bellies for years! And we liked it!

Anyways, River and Star stared guiltily at each other.

"Wha – they're still in that thing!" Marcie yelled. "They didn't come out! Help me get to the large intestine before they're completely digested! This is disgusting!"

A giggle came from off screen. Angie and Rafael were... taking a nice bath in one of the hot springs. "Nothing like a hot bath after a long day of exploration, huh, sweetie," Rafael was saying. I'd hardly call it "exploration." The monsters that live in the Forest of Certain Death have already explored all the places you've been to a thousand times over. But no one cares about them.

"Mom, Dad!" Marcie squelched her way out of the large intestine. "You're alive! Aaaand you're only wearing your fanny packs. Eww."

"Oh, King Butterfly!" Rafael said, waving to him. "Care for a dip?"

"As inviting as that sounds – which is a lot, by the way, I rather like hot baths. But as inviting as that is, I'd like to have a moment with my daughter." River dragged Star away by her arm.

"Star, you know you're not to leave Earth! This is serious, what are you doing here?"

"Well, ugh, I wanted to give the Diazes a trip... for their anniversary, see... uh, it all all started with the fanny packs... ugh! Wait a minute! Aren't you supposed to be at a boring lecture?!"

River stroked his beard awkwardly. "Well, uh, I got lost on the way, directions were horrible, uhm... it all started with the fanny packs? Heh heh, ah..." he sighed. "There is no lecture. You see, when things get too... well, boring in the castle, I go out and fight monsters. Warms the old blood a little, you know. Keeps me sane. And it's great for throne posture!" 

Star smiled. "So I get my monster fighting genes from you, huh?" Oh, Star, if only you knew. Your mother's fought plenty of monsters too. And it's hardly a good thing, either way. "I always knew you were the fun parent!"

"Yes, I suppose so. Though I am silly because I love you. You need some silliness in your life."

"Are you going to tell Mom you saw me?"

"I didn't see you and you didn't see me. Deal?"

"Deal. Hugs?"

"Ha, I suppose so. Hugs." The two hugged.

"It's nice that you two bonded and you got to see that side of your dad," Marcie said, smiling at the familial love permeating the room. 

Rafael walked by them, completely naked except for his fanny pack. 

"I wish I hadn't gotten to see that side of my dad!" Marcie said, cringing.

* * *

_I went to Mewni with the Diazes, which was probably a bad idea. But I learned that my dad does monster hunting too, which is neat! Bonding!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up:
> 
> Mewberty: Star undergoes mewberty, which causes her to break out in blue hearts, be uncontrollably obsessive, and culminates in her transforming into a butterfly-like creature and imprisoning everything that moves in cobweb-like magic.
> 
> Pixtopia: When Star, Marcie, Ferguson, Alfonzo, and Janna make too many prank calls on Star’s magic mirror, they must journey to Pixtopia, land of the Pixies, and pay the bill. When they can’t pay, they get imprisoned in the pixie mines mining magic crystals.


	11. Mewberty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star undergoes mewberty, which causes her to break out in blue hearts, be uncontrollably obsessive, and culminates in her transforming into a butterfly-like creature and imprisoning everything that moves in cobweb-like magic.

Star watched Oskar play his music. It was pretty mediocre, but don't tell Star I said that. It was about having mommy issues, which Star could relate to, and of course Star had a massive crush on Oskar. She could easily overlook any flaws.

"Hey Star, you've got a bit of paint or something on your forehead," Marcie said, pointing. "There."

Star peeled off the "paint", which was in the suspiciously even shape of a blue heart, and gasped. "Marcie... this is not paint. I need to get out of here. Right now."

"Looks like you've got another heart. What's wrong with that?"

"Marcie, this is serious. Really serious. I think I'm going through –" Intense music, camera zooms in on Star's face – "mewberty."

"Mewberty?" Marcie chuckled. "Well, that's nothing to be afraid of. We have something like that here on Earth."

"Don't confuse this with your Earth-things, Marcie! I'm from Mewni. This is going to get really weird."

Marcie laughed and backed away. "When you say weird, is this normal-Star weird or... destroy-the-school weird?"

"Destroy – the second one. That one." 

"Oookay. What fo I do?"

"Anyone or anything that I might ever have any type of attachment to needs to go. I need to be completely alone, and I mean completely. Isola – whatever it's called. Big word meaning 'alone'. Wait a second... I love Marcie..." Hearts, like the literal shape, appeared in Star's eyes. "Maaarcieee..."

"Okay, let's get you home and into, uh, your closet. Yeah, that'll work. Hopefully you won't destroy my house."

Marcie left, beckoning Star to follow her. Star took one last glance at Oskar and moved out.

"Okay, okay... you can do this, Star. Oh no, she has a cool skateboard, I want that, oh no, his muscles are so cool! Oh no!"

A person whose name Star didn't know, but who was called Zeke, was drinking at the fountain. Star wandered over to him and shut off the drinking fountain. In a singsongy whisper, she sang "My turn~! By the way, I love your hair!"

Marcie grabbed Star's hand. "Okay, we really need to gooo... AAAAHHHH!"

The scream was because when she grabbed Star's hand, Star's hand shot blue webs made out of hearts and stuck to a locker. Marcie quickly let go of Star's hand, but not before lots of blue hearts had stuck to her hand.

Star wiggled around, trying to get loose, but all she succeeded in doing was making herself even more stuck inside the locker. "I'm stuck," she said, stating the obvious.

"Let me help," Marcie said, reaching out to do... something. She wasn't sure what would help.

But Star rebuked her. "No!" she shouted, closing herself in the locker. "Your grubby little hands are part of the problem! They're just so nice to hold!"

Marcie wiped the blue hearts off her hand. "Okay... what about your book of spells? It could have something in there that would stop this."

A muffled "Maybe."

"Okay, I'll run home and get it."

"It's not at home. I gave it to Ferguson."

"What? Why would you give it to Ferguson?"

"I lost a bet, okay? Just go get it!"

Marcie sighed and left. "We've got to talk about that betting thing later, okay?"

Cut to the Spanish classroom. Marcie stood in the window next to Ferguson's desk. Thank goodness her was near the window, or Marcie might have needed to call him on the intercom. "Ferguson! I need Star's book of spells!"

"Lo siento, Señorita Marcie. Solo puedo hablarte en Español." (Spanish to English translation: Sorry, Miss Marcie. Only speak in Spanish.)

Marcie just sighed. "Where is Star's book?"

"No, no, no. Se pronuncia libro. Liiibrrooo." (No, no, no. It's pronounced book. Booook.)

Marcie sighed again. "Where is Star's libro? There, I said it. You do know I'm fluent in Spanish, right?"

"Muy bien. Me dio el libro a Janna." (Very good. I gave the book to Janna.)

"What? You gave it to Janna? Ugh!"

"De nada." (It's nothing.)

* * *

Back in the locker, Star was peeling off the blue hearts and slipping them through the vent. "That's better," she said, sighing as contentedly as someone in her situation could be. Then the bell rang.

"Oh no, oh no!" Blue hearts popped up on her face and arms. So many people were walking by her and there was so much cool things and cool people out there. She wanted to get out, to go see them, _to take them for her own..._ Oh no.

Then the people dispersed, and Star breathed a sigh of relief. The people were gone, she was in the clear. 

Then the swimmers arrived. "Alright, guys, we're gonna do dryland exercises out here today. Pool's been compromised... Poop. It was poop. Someone pooped in the pool. Okay, let's get to it."

Here's a thing about our lovely protagonist, Star: she loves muscles. Buff people are her weakness. So when the swim team started up their stretches, she had to watch. Had to. And her obsessive thoughts grew and grew.

* * *

Janna was holding a large bag and talking to her nominal friends, Hope and Leah. "Hey, you guys want to see a dead possum?"

"Uh, no?"

"No, not really."

"I'm just messing with you, Seriously, check this out." She ripped away the giant bag, revealing Star's spellbook. "Ta-da!"

"Oooh!"

"What is it?"

"We can do all kinds of witchy stuff with this thing."

"Can we get my parents to stop fighting?"

"Totally."

"Gimme that!"

"Marcie? What do you want?"

"Let's get out of here! I knew my mom was right, I knew witchcraft was evil! Don't tell my mom I interacted with dark magic!" Leah clearly had some issues, but I digress. She and Hope ran away from Marcie's 'I-mean-business' face.

Janna did not. As Marcie said that she'd been looking all over for the spellbook, she suggested "Now that you've found your little book, let's make some magic with it. Like... skulls and stuff. Let's make some skeletons."

"No, thank you, I don't need your help, Janna."

"You'll need me soon enough, 'cause I got your house keys." She held said house keys up and ran off, neatly dodging Marcie's attempt to recover her keys. 

"Whatever. Can't get distracted by Janna, though she is very distracting. Need to find the right page. Mewberty, mewberty... ugh, this book doesn't make sense! Isn't there some kind of glossary in here?"

The book's pages turned by themselves, and a little blue dragon with a pale blue beard popped out of the book. A stupid dumb-face blue dragon who I am totally willing to diss. "Did someone say Glossaryck? 'Cause that's me! Sir Glossaryck of Terms! At your service, milady."

"Uh... I'm not really a lady? I mean, I guess I am, but it's not a title or anything."

"Oh." Glossaryck did a double take. "Wait a second. You're not Star." He hadn't noticed Marcie wasn't Star! Humans don't look all that similar! They're totally different colors and everything! I'm sure I would never mistake humans for one another, right Brenda? Oh, wait, you're not Brenda. Whoops, my bad.

"Nnnope."

"Sorry, this book is for magical princesses only. Though I do wish my magical princess would pick up this book sometime, I have to admit. But who cares about that? You are trespassing on royal mewman territory."

"What? No, I'm not! I just need answers. Star's going through mewberty and I really need something that could help –"

"Mewberty? Did you just say mewberty?"

"Yes."

"Dreadfully sorry about that. Nasty business. Aw, well, if you survive, please don't open this book again! It's for those with the Butterfly Wand only!"

"Hey, wait!" Marcie grabbed the book to stop it from closing. "I really need help! It's for Star! Is there anything I can do to make you help me?"

"Weeelll," Glossaryck said, narrowing his eyes. "You could get me... pudding. Yes, I want pudding." Going to say something else, huh Glossy? Marcie's soul, perhaps? Her personality? I know you, you wouldn't object to having either of those for yourself.

"Pudding."

"Yeah, that's what I said! School cafeterias, you see, have excellent pudding."

"Oookay," Marcie felt like she'd been saying "Okay" in that exact tone of voice a lot lately. Maybe that's what happens when a magical princess came into your life.

* * *

A totally normal human, by the name of Matt, walked through the halls, drumming on any surface he passed by. He was wearing large, conspicuous headphones playing music so loudly that everyone within a ten-foot radius could hear it. He had been wearing them for the entire day and had not been told off by anyone, including the teachers. Such was the way of public school.

Matt walked past many different completely normal humans, before stopping at his locker. Said locker was covered in blue hearts. Matt, moving on autopilot, opened the locker and checked his face in the mirror.

Inside the locker, a girl was practically glued to the wall with blue hearts. Her entire body, save her head, was covered with them, and it looked like her head would be covered soon. "Want," she said, reaching a blue hand up to poke Matt in the cheek. "Waaaanntt."

Matt didn't notice. He finished checking himself in the mirror and turned to completely face the girl in the hearts. He shrugged, drummed on her outstretched arm, closed the locker, and wandered off. Such was the way of public school.

The locker started to bulge out as blue vines with blue heart-shaped leaves snakes their way out of the cracks. The girl in the locker was completely covered in blue hearts, forming a cocoon around her. 

* * *

"I got your pudding." Marcie said, holding it out.

Glossaryck just blinked. Stupid little lizard. He had vertical eyelids, which was not helping Marcie's appetite. None of this, in fact, was helping Marcie's appetite. Won't someone think of her poor appetite, being beaten to death in an alleyway somewhere in Sensationville? But I digress.

Glossaryck opened his mouth. "Aaaahhh."

"What are you doing?"

"You're supposed to feed me! That pudding won't eat itself."

"You have got to be kidding me," Marcie said, feeding him a spoonful. "You got it... you got in in your beard. Everywhere."

Disgusting.

* * *

A perfectly normal human, though don't tell them I said that, this kid's quite the individual, walked through the courtyard, eyes on the ground. They stopped when they saw a blue vine with heart-shaped leaves weaving its way on the ground. "Huh?"

The kid, whose name was Zeke, looked up to see a cocoon of sorts, made out of blue hearts and growing those strange vines from every side. It was also heart-shaped. Man, mewberty's really keen on branding.

Zeke stepped forward. Sure, weird magical stuff happened to the school on a daily basis, but this was new. This wasn't just "the way of public school," they could tell that something was seriously wrong. And, don't tell them I said this, but they always wanted to be a hero.

They reached out and touched the cocoon. What is it with humans and touching things? Touch, touch, touch. Anything weird or mysterious that could potentially hurt you if you touched it? Go and touch! And, don't tell them I said this, but Zeke was a prime example of humanity's desire to touch things that could probably hurt them. I love them, but man were they stupid. 

In this case study, touching the mystical cocoon didn't seem to do anything immediately. It just pulsed gently and felt... like soft. Little bits of heart came off on their hand. And they felt like tissue pa – a hand slammed out from the inside of the cocoon. Zeke withdrew their hand with a "whoa", but the handprint remained. Then another handprint appeared. And another, and another, and another, and another. That's six handprints, in case you weren't counting. Then the silhouette of a girl appeared in the inside of the cocoon.

"Is that you, Star Butterfly?" Zeke asked, because there was really only one person it could be.

The cocoon shuddered and cracked. As suddenly as the handprints had appeared, the cocoon was no more, splitting open to reveal Star, or what used to be Star. She stretched her insect-like wings and six arms and flew into the air. Her hair flew upwards into two antenna-like braids.

Zeke, obviously, was in shock. They stepped a few steps back, but that movement only got Star's attention. She paused and stared at his... hair? "Waaant," she said. "Waaaaaanntt."

She swooped forward, and –

* * *

Marcie stuffed another spoonful of pudding in Glossaryck's face hole. "So," the little dragon said. "So, Star is –" a burp, and a gag from me – "going though –" another burp "merberty."

"Yes. How do I stop it?"

"Well, you can't stop it."

"That's not an option."

"It'll all be over soon." Glossaryck set his watch. "Star will be back to normal at... 3:57pm.. Or she won't."

"Won't what?"

"Be back to normal."

"That's it? That's all you can say?"

"Glossaryck opened his mouth again. "Aaaahhh." 

"It's over. You ate it all."

"Scccrraaapppee theee siiiiddeees!"

Marcie sighed, and did as Glossaryck asked. She managed to get another spoonful of pudding and fed it to Glossaryck. "Here. Now tell me more."

"Look, kid, nature is like a runaway dump truck. Hot, fast, and full of garbage."

"What?" 

"Nature cannot be stopped." 

"What? There has to be more you can tell me!"

"Of course there is! But then again, you're out of pudding!" Glossaryck sank back into the book, laughing. Little brat, the kid got you pudding and everything! Oh, well, Marcie didn't need him. She didn't need anyone. She just had to protect her friend from nature. As fruitless as that, admittedly, sounded. As people started screaming in the direction of Star's locker, Marcie snorted. "Thanks for nothing, _Glossy._ " Glossaryck harrumphed through the book in response, but Marcie didn't hear him. She ran towards the source of the scream. 

As Marcie ran off, Janna approached the book. "I got you pudding, little lizard man!"

Marcie entered the vine-filled courtyard. And I mean filled, from top to bottom it was covered in vines with blue heart-shaped leaves. She watched her step, trying not to touch the vines. Who knew what those things could do to her. She passed a row of lockers without doors when a hand reached out and grabbed her.

Marcie nearly karate chopped the person the arm belonged to in the face, but refrained when she saw it was just Zeke. 

Zeke was stuck in a locker by webbing made out of blue hearts. So were a ton of different students. "Dude, you've got to get us out of here!" Zeke pleaded. "Help us!"

Marcie was about to go and try to pry the webs off of Zeke when she heard whimpering and screaming. Star appeared in all of her insectoid glory, carrying a kid whose name was Timmy. Timmy was crying and flailing, trying to get out of Star's grasp, but her six arms held firm.

"What theee... Star?" Marcie asked, running up to her. Star ripped off the door of a locker and stuffed Timmy in it, webbing him inside with the blue hearts. "Star, you've got to get ahold of yourself. You're scaring everyone!"

Star only sprayed Timmy with more web.

"Star, I said stop!" Marcie grabbed her arm.

Star turned to look at her hand on her arm.

"Now you've made her mad," Timmy whimpered. 

There was a blur of motion and Marcie was pressed against a locker and Star was covering her in webbing. 

Then something distracted Star. The sound of music playing in the distance. "Oskaaarr," Star said.

"Oh no," Marcie said.

Star flew towards Oskar.

"Why don't you clean _your_ room, Mom?" Oskar was singing. Marcie caught Star in a tennis net. 

"I don't like your boyfriend, Mom!" Oskar was singing. Star flailed around, knocking into a tree and dislodging the people hiding there. Said people ran away.

Someone had turned on the code red alarm and it was blaring off in the distance. Marcie didn't understand why that was the thing she was noticing at a time like this. Oh well, time to focus. 

The tree kept Star busy for a little while, but she eventually got free of its branches and flew straight up. Marcie, desperately holding on to the net, followed her. Star flew downwards, attempting to shake her off. They flew past the kids in the lockers, past desperately running people, past Janna feeding pudding to Glossaryck. "You're making things worse!" Glossaryck shouted.

Marcie looked around, at the kids in the lockers, at the desperately running people, at Janna and Glossaryck, at Star furiously growling and trying to fly free. She sighed and let go to the net.

Star shook the net off and buzzed her wings in satisfaction. She then flew off and grabbed Oskar's car with her webs. A brief couple of music notes from Oskar's keytar-playing faded out.

Marcie had fallen on her face when she let go of the net. She got up and watched Star fly up into the clouds. "Goodbye, Star." She started to cry...

Glossaryck's watch beeped. A single heart fell from the sky, landing on Marcie's nose. 

Then another fell.

And then another.

Soon there was a veritable blizzard of hearts falling from the sky.

Oskar's car landed on the ground with a crash. Marcie got up with a "wha?" Then Oskar landed on the car, and his kaytar landed in his lap. "'Sup."

Then Star fell from the sky and landed in the ruins of her cocoon. She stood up, and Marcie raced to her and hugged her. Star didn't immediately realize what was happening, she just let out a groan and hugged Marcie back. Marcie was definitely crying. "You came back! You came back! You're okay!"

Star smiled. "Yeah. Also, what happened? I remember going into mewberty and... a tennis net? Were we playing tennis?"

Marcie snorted. "Definitely not. Definitely."

There was a light buzzing sound as Star laughed. "What was that?" Marcie asked.

Star squealed with joy. "I got my mewberty wings!" She tied her hair up in a ponytail, revealing little blue-purple insect-like wings. She flapped them experimentally. "Awesome!"

"Does that mean you can fly?" Marcie asked.

"I dunno, let's test it out!" Star grabbed Marcie and the two of them leapt into the air. They floated for a moment and then crashed to the ground.

"Nope."

* * *

_I went through mewberty! It was weird and apparently I was super scary, but it's over with and and that's good. And I got my mewberty wings! They're tiny now but they'll get bigger. There's only one thing: I was really young to experience mewberty. My mom went through it at sixteen, but I'm only fourteen. Usually Butterfly princesses go through it at around seventeen, when they get their dimensional scissors. Guess I'm special! Oh, and I guess I'll have to talk to Mom about it. Don't know when I'll do that, but yeah._


	12. Pixtopia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Star, Marcie, Ferguson, Alfonzo, and Janna make too many prank calls on Star’s magic mirror, they must journey to Pixtopia, land of the Pixies, and pay the bill. When they can’t pay, they get imprisoned in the pixie mines mining magic crystals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pixtopia is fairly mediocre on its own, so i made it gay

Marcie, Ferguson, Alfonzo, and Janna were... making prank calls on Star's magic mirror. They were laughing annoyingly loud. Marcie is engaging in far too much tomfoolery. It doesn't look good on her at all. "Another one, another one!" Marcie shouted.

"Alright, alright! Mirror, mirror, on the wall, call anyone!"

"Calling Anyone," the disembodied voice of the mirror stated. Marcie, Janna, and Alfonzo ducked out of the way. The mirror opened up a link to a goopy slime creature. A slime, from Mewni. "Uh, hey, is this Stanlina? Because she really needs to call me back."

Ferguson cleared his throat. "I am not Stanlina. I am King Fergon of Fergustan! Would you care for some treasure?"

"Uh, is this a joke?"

"Okay, here's my booty!"

"'Cause I don't think you're doing the joke right."

Janna whispered to Ferguson: "Hey, idiot, you're supposed to moon him!"

"Oh, right!" 

Before he could do much of anything, the slime person disconnected, saying "I don't have time for this. I need to wait for Stanlina to call me back."

The four of them laughed and laughed. I'm disgusted by all of them.

Star hopped down her stairs. "Hey, what'cha doing?"

"Making prank calls!" That was Marcie.

"Join us, dude!" That was Janna.

"Awesome!" Star rubbed her hands together. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, call someone else!"

Instead of the usual _Calling Anyone_ screen, a pixie customer service agent appeared. "I'm sorry, but you have exceeded your minutes. Your mirror service has been temporarily disabled. Please visit our offices in Pixtopia to settle your bill! Te-he!" The mirror went dark.

Star gasped in horror. "Oh no, what if my mom tries to call me? She's gonna freak."

"I'm sorry, Star. Those calls were totally my idea," Marcie said. They were actually Janna's idea, but don't tell her I said that. Everything in the universe has a healthy fear of Janna, even me.

"Marcie, you messed up!" Star gasped with joy. "You're just like me! Yesss!"

"What? No, I made one mistake! What are you even talking about?"

"You sure 'Star'd' this whole thing up, haven't you! Hugs! Oh, now we can be mess-up twins!"

"What? I'm no twin! I'm Marcie Diaz, only child!" Not for long, you aren't.

Star smiled mischievously. Marcie just sighed and pulled out the dimensional scissors. "I need to fix this. Let's go pay your bill." He ripped open a hole in the fabric of the dimensions to Pixtopia.

Ferguson and Alfonzo got down on their knees and begged to be taken with Star and Marcie. "Please let us come! This dimension is so boring!"

Janna simply walked over them and headed to the portal. "Let's go, dudes."

"Okay, why don't we take everyone to a boring negotiation! Let's go, everyone!"

"Hooray!" Ferguson and Alfonzo shouted. "Going into portal land, teenage boys are holding hands!" they sang, holding hands and dancing their way into the portal. 

Star and Marcie followed the three humans into the portal. Marcie was sighing, saying something about that being sarcastic. Star was patting her on the shoulder. 

"Welcome, welcome to Pixtopia!" sang the pixies, little green humanoids with wings and objectively terrible hairstyles. "In Pixtopia, we love everything! With our pixie hearts and our pixie wings! We are friends with everyone we meet! Even our bathrooms smell so sweet!"

"Did they just... sing?" Marcie was incredulous.

"Yep. They do that for everyone," Star said, shrugging. Another portal opened behind them, and the pixies flocked towards it, singing their pixie song.

"Aww, they're so small!" Seems like Alfonzo, at least, was having fun.

The gang approached the Pixie Mirror Office. "Here we are!" Star practically shouted. "How are you gonna 'Star' this one up, twinsy?"

"I already told you, Star, I ain't no twin! Marcie Diaz came into this world alone! Alone!"

The gang™ squeezed their way through the tiny door into the mirror offices. "Ugh, I hate how small that door is. Ugh," Ferguson said, after Marcie had to karate chop him through the door. "I mean, it's super cute. But it's also really annoying for anyone bigger than, like, four feet."

"See why I didn't want everyone coming along? There's barely room in the lobby for all of us!" Marcie said, squeezing herself through and banging her head on the ceiling. "Ow!"

"Next!" shouted the pixie clerk.

"Go ahead, Marcie! Pay the nice pixie!" Star said, pushing him forward.

Marcie groaned. "Are you guys going to pitch in for me?"

"I have a squirrel skull."

"I have a flat penny from the state fair."

"I have a jawbreaker, but I kinda had plans for it."

"Aw, Marcie, did you forget to bring money, like I did?" Star giggled.

"No, as a matter of fact, I brought ~Marcie's Emergency Cash Stash~!"

Marcie knelt down as far as she could to be more on level with the pixie clerk and put the money on the counter. "This is for the Butterfly account. I think that should cover it. And, um, this is for you –" she added a quarter to the mix – "Go buy yourself some of those, ah, thimble-sized shoes." Marcie! You should know that a quarter isn't going to buy anything in this economy. Except maybe oil.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we only accept gold and jewels. You'll have to pay off that bill of yours in the Shard Mines."

"The Shard Mines?" Marcie asked.

"The Shard Mines," the clerk agreed, pulling a lever. The floor under the group opened up and they dropped down, down, down. They all screamed.

The floor closed. "Next!" the clerk called out, pocketing Marcie's money.

* * *

Star landed on the ground, screaming. Marcie landed on Star, screaming. Alfonzo landed on both of them, screaming. Ferguson landed on all of them, also screaming. Janna slid down a ladder. Can you guess what she was doing? No, it wasn't screaming. She was saying "'Sup, guys!"

"Wow, Marcie, I couldn't have 'Star'd' that up better if I tried!"

"Like I was supposed to know that they only accept gold and jewels! How was I supposed to know that, seriously? Also, I think you have an unhealthy obsession with thinking of yourself as a failure."

A pixie taskmaster cracked his electrified whip. "Welcome to the Shard Mines! Now let's get picking!" 

He zapped Marcie with his whip, and Marcie said "Ow, jeez," and grabbed a pickaxe.

"Don't worry, twinsy, I got this!" Star shouted. "STRAWBERRY ANNIHILATION!" Her wand did nothing, just beeped sadly. "STRAWBERRY –" Beep. "STRAWB –" Beep. "STRA –" Beep. 

"Hah!" the pixie taskmaster shouted. "Our mines use special crystals to block magic! Now get to work mining magic crystals for the Pixie Empress!"

"Oh, you think magic's the only thing I have? You want to go, little man? Let's go –"

"Whoa, Star, whoa. Stop trying to attack the little man, there we go. No, stop! Stop! Okay. Look, Star is the princess of Mewni. Her parents have connections –"

"And I'm King Fergon!"

"And I'm, like, a baroness three times removed on my mom's side." That was Janna. The other one was Ferguson, in case you didn't know.

"Yeah, yeah!" The pixie taskmaster shouted. "And I'm the Duchess of Daisyland!"

"What's up, Duchess of Daisyland?" Janna said, giggling.

"The sky, Baroness!" The pixie taskmaster cracked his whip again. He really liked doing that, I have to wonder if he was compensating for something. "The sky is what's up! Now, take her away!"

"Whoa, I was just making a joke, dude. Lighten up! Lighten up, seriously!" Janna was dragged away by a pair of burly pixies. "Uh, a little help?"

The other four were unable to help, as the pixie taskmaster cracked his whip again and again, driving them away from their friend. Janna was taken away as the other four watched in terror.

* * *

Off in the Pixie Empress's palace, Janna was taken before the throne. "Your Grandiferousness, this prisoner was disobedient!"

"She looks delicious," the Pixie Empress responded. Yes, she deserves capital letters. So many nameless characters in this chapter, one might as well be punctuated like a name.

"What?" Janna responded. "Would that count as cannibalism? Because that's so not cool."

The Pixie Empress flew up to Janna. "Tell me, are you a queen? Because you sure look like one."

Janna laughed nervously. "Nope, uh, but I could introduce you to a princess."

"Tell me, are you betrothed?"

"Uhm, no, not really? What are you asking?"

The Pixie Empress laughed. "Such wit! You are truly the cleverest person in this kingdom."

"Thank you," Janna grinned. The Pixie Empress had found her one weakness: appealing to her pride. "You know, it's not easy being the cleverest person in your friend group. There's only so many times you can outclass your friends before it gets... tedious."

"Oh, truly! I promise you won't have that issue with me!"

"Wait a minute... are you into me?"

"Oh, definitely!"

Janna grinned an evil grin. Oh no, she had power. "I always wanted to be an empress."

* * *

Back in the mines, Alfonzo started coughing violently, expelling pink dust.

"Looks like your friend has got a bad case of pixie lung," one of the other prisoners, a minotaur, said. 

"This is crazy. We need to find a way out of her and save Janna!"

"There's no way out," a little wizard man replied. "Believe me I've checked –"

"What about that?" Star asked, pointing to a minecart track with a big flashing EXIT sign."

"But that's the bathroom," the wizard protested.

Star just hopped in the cart along with Marcie, Ferguson, and Alfonzo. The wizard and minotaur shrugged at each other and hopped on. The minecart got a bit crowded.

"Guards! After them!" The taskmaster was angry. He and the guards got in the other minecart and followed after them. They could've flown, but that would ruin the aesthetic of a minecart chase. That's something even those horrible pixies and I can agree on.

* * *

"So, come here often?" Janna couldn't say she was very good at flirting, as her previous escapades had shown, but she could try. And the Pixie Empress bought all of her poor attempts hook, line, and sinker.

Speaking of which, the Pixie Empress giggled at that. "Tee-hee, you are so funny, Human!"

"Call me... Janna."

"Janna!" the Pixie Empress replied. "I like that."

* * *

Star, Marcie, Ferguson, and Alfonzo screamed. Loudly. To be fair, the minecart chase was a lot like a roller coaster, and they all liked roller coasters. So they screamed in delight and fear, because the pixies were gaining on them.

Star shook her wand. "Come on, work! Work!"

The pixies threw a crystal shard on the tracks. The minecart hit the crystal and kept barreling forward, skipping off the tracks for a heart-dropping moment and then lining up on the tracks again.

The two carts ended up on parallel tracks and the pixies got closer and closer. The pixie taskmaster whipped his whip at the wizard, who cowered in fear.

"Hey!" Star shouted. "You should watch where you're going!"

" _You_ watch where you're going!" the pixie taskmaster replied, which didn't make much sense.

"That doesn't make sense!" See, Star agrees with me!

"You don't make sense!"

The battle of very dulled wits ended there, as the pixies' cart took a sudden drop while the escapee's cart barreled on up.

The escapee cart traveled up and into the pixie throne room. The escapees fell out of the cart with an "oof", and got swords, daggers, and chainsaws pointed at them.

Janna got up from where she was sitting on a pillow, being fed assorted foods. "Hey guys. I was totally about to come rescue you."

Star got up and sniffled. "Janna! We were so worried!"

"Yeah. Turns out they worship me here."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm, like, one hundred percent royalty here. Mostly because of my girlfriend, and I did say girlfriend. Meet the Pixie Empress."

The Pixie Empress flew up to introduce herself. "She calls me 'Sugar Wings.' Isn't Janna lovely?"

"That's one word for it," Marcie said, rolling her eyes discreetly.

"Anyways, I'm super psyched you came, because you're right in time for my wedding!"

"What?" Star asked, but no one was listening to her. The pixies unfurled banners from the ceiling, chapel pews were brought in with pixies already sitting in them, and a wedding song filtered through the air. The two lovers stood at the front of the room. A pixie pastor unfolded whatever the pixie equivalent of the Bible was and cleared his throat. "Are you two ready to swear your undying love for each other?"

Personally, I find the pixies' wedding to be a little eurocentric. Add in some dancing but with FIRE or feats of grand cosmic importance or, ooh, knocking planets into a black hole as a couple and maybe I'd be tempted into marrying someone. But Janna stooped so low as to accept this meager gesture of love. Janna is worth more than that.

Star agreed with me. Well, not quite for the same reasons. She pointed out silly things like "commitment" and "maturity." Though she did agree with me that Janna was way out of the Pixie Empress's league. "Janna, no! You're not ready for this kind of commitment!" She waved her hands and shouted. "You're only fourteen! You still use your bird skulls as puppets!"

Janna paused and sighed. She took out a skull. "She has a point, dude," she said, moving the skull as if it were talking. "But I really want to be an empress, Star!"

"Yeah, but you can find a better way to be an empress! The pixies barely rule anything! Do you want to be Empress of Phone Lines? Because that'll be what you'll be if you marry her!"

Janna sighed and nodded. "Look, Empress, you're a pretty cool... uh, flying pixie lady. And I'm sure you'll find someone amazing soon. But I didn't exactly think this through, and I kinda want to be eventual empress of something cooler. So, I'm sorry to leave you at the altar, but you'll be okay with this, right?"

The Pixie Empress smiled. "Hmm... Guards? Kill them all."

The pixies attacked the group with swords. Marcie fought them off with karate, Star with her wand. Alfonzo and Ferguson kinda cowered in the corner. The wizard and the minotaur also cowered in the corner. The two of them weren't very useful. 

Janna stabbed the guards with the beak of her bird skull, and then grabbed the sword from a pixie guard and did her best to fight with that. It was hard. "Star, let's get out of here!"

Star knocked a sword out of one of the pixie's hands, sending it careening into some pixies who were attacking the wizard and the minotaur. "Winter Storm Hyper Blow!" she yelled, freezing the pixies in place. She then used the dimensional scissors to open a portal home. "Let's go, guys!"

"No! I haven't killed you yet!" the Pixie Empress yelled.

Star cast "Rainbow Flytrap!" which which stuck the pixies in magical rainbow flypaper. Star, Marcie, Ferguson, the wizard, and the minotaur all jumped through the portal.

"Uh, I still think you're, like, pretty cool!" Janna said, and then ran through the portal. 

The Pixie Empress sighed. "She was probably out of my league, anyways." At least you admit it, Pixie Empress. At least you admit it.

* * *

After sending the wizard and the minotaur back to their own dimensions, Star flopped on her bed. "I am so switching service providers!"

"Yeah, good call. I'm just sad that we ruined what might have been Janna's only chance at love. Maybe we are mess-up twins."'

"Oh, Marcie, that pixie didn't want to be with Janna, she just wanted to eat her."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't really get it. Janna doesn't look particularly appetizing."

"Hah, well, I guess nobody's perfect."

"Um, you guys are totally talking about me like I'm not here. Also, Ferguson can't find Alfonzo, so, like, that's a problem."

* * *

"You may now kiss the bride!" the pixie pastor intoned.

Alfonzo kissed the Pixie Empress as the crowd cheered. "I'll make a great pixie king! And be very tyrannical!"

* * *

_I went to Pixtopia to pay my phone bill and, well, long story short, I'm changing my plan to Minotaur Magic instead. Hope this one goes well! Alfonzo got a divorce._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up are a pair of episodes I can't wait to share with you, as each introduce major characters and are all around fun. and foreshadowing.
> 
> Sleep Spells: Star starts using magic in her sleep, and Marcie tries to figure out why through psychology. 
> 
> Rumordestroyers: Star leaves Earth to shadow her mother for a day, and Marcie tries to watch multiple seasons of Rumordestroyers.


	13. Sleep Spells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star starts using magic in her sleep, and Marcie tries to figure out why through psychology.

Marcie wandered down the stairs, stretching and yawning. It was a beautiful morning, and the sun was shining.

Weird purple birds flew past Marcie. Marcie let out a "what?"

Marcie looked around. The living room had been transformed into a jungle. "Wow, Star has been getting better at magic. This is really peaceful!"

That was when the giant lionsnake attacked. Marcie was in its mouth and struggling to get out before she could so much as karate chop. "Help! Help!"

Star rushed down the stairs. "Mega Explosive Crystal Laser!" she shouted, aiming her wand. A laser beam came out of the wand, projecting a red dot on the ground. The lionsnake let Marcie go in order to chase after the dot. Aww man, I wanted explosives. "Here kitty, kitty," Star said, sending the laser pointer into the bushes. 

Marcie sighed. "Thanks for saving me... again." She marked down a checkmark in her notebook. "That makes twenty-eight saves for you, and four saves for me. Great." She sighed again. "But who's counting?" She put the notebook away and chuckled awkwardly.

"Y'know, Marcie, I really love what you've done with the place!" Star said, looking around. She looked at a bird. "Aww, so cute!"

Marcie laughed. "What? I didn't do this! How would I have done this?"

"Well, somebody did this."

"Seriously? Birds and rainbows and whatever that thing over there is" – she gestured to a six-legged poodle eating chips – "It has to be you."

"Sorry, it wasn't me. I really think I'd remember doing whatever this is."

Marcie pulled down a tangle of vines to reveal a sculpture of Star's head. It was fairly hideous, with a gaping mouth and crossed eyes.

"Eh, that looks more like your dad's work than mine."

Rafael popped out from the statue's mouth, holding sculptor's tools. "This was my work. But the rest of this? No."

Marcie stared into your eyes from out of the page in disbelief. "No way this wasn't Star."

* * *

That evening, Marcie was sleeping in her bed, like a normal human, when a giant caterpillar crawled across her face. "What?" she asked, very reasonably. It was an awfully late hour to be woken up, by caterpillars or otherwise. Me, I wouldn't notice. I don't have to sleep, but when I do I sleep like a log. Nothing wakes me up. I once slept for around a millenium in a bog in Scotland somewhere. Locals made up legends about me. It was great. Back to Marcie.

She got up and looked for the source of the caterpillar, which wasn't a hard task, as Star's door was illuminated by blasts of magic from her wand. Marcie raced to Star's room.

Star was sleepwalking around and sending blasts across the room. "Nonoo... get back!"

Marcie was nearly hit with a narwhal blast. She ducked out of the way, and yelled at Star to wake up. "What are you doing?!"

Star just sent a blast of magic into the lamp, animating it. It promptly started zapping Marcie. "Agh, hey! Ouch! Stop it, Star!"

Star bumped into her magic mirror, causing a message from her mother to appear in its glass. "Hello, Star. This is your daily reminder to behave like the queen-in-training that you are."

"Paper... tornado..." 

A hurricane of paper started to attack Marcie. "Augh, Star! Wake up! Wake up!"

"Beanbag... monster... metamorphosis!"

Marcie really started screaming at that. "STAR! WAKE UP!"

Star blinked her eyes open. "Huh? Good morning, Marcie! Good morning, hideous beanbag monster! How are you... wait! Magic glow that I have spelled, henceforth shall you be expelled!" She turned the lamp, paper, and beanbag to normal. 

Marcie sighed relief and frustration. "You saved me." She took out her notebook. "That's uh, twenty-nine to four. Unless... do we count problems you put me in in the first place?"

Star held up a narwhal. It was clearly a magic narwhal, as it was small and sleeping instead of large and flopping around everywhere in panic because it should be in the water. "What happened?"

"You were spelling in your sleep! That must be why you don't remember making the jungle!"

"Oh no, that's awful! You gotta fix me, Diaz!"

Marcie gasped. "Now's my chance to save you! With psychology!"

"Psychology?"

"Psychologyyy!"

"Yeah, psychology. What is psychology?"

"It's like karate, but for your _mind_. I'll dig deep inside your brain to see what makes you tick!"

"Oh, yeah, we have something like that on Mewni. Doctors break open your skull and poke around in your brain. Wait, you're not going to dissect me, are you?"

"Yeah, no. This is completely different. But before we start, I have to transform myself."

"Transform yourself?"

Marcie spun around, getting out a pair of glasses, a sweater vest, and a book entitled _Psyche 101._ "Doctor Marcie, Ph.D!"

"Cool! What does Ph.D stand for?"

"Pretty Handsome Dude!"

"Mom?! What are you doing up? Go back to bed!"

* * *

In the still jungle-ified living room, Star sat on the couch and looked at Marcie. "What's going on?"

"Alright, Miss Butterfly! I'm going to administer a series of psychological tests to see what's bothering you!"

"Yay, tests! Sounds fun! Oh, wait, no it doesn't."

"Test number one: Roleplaying! Pretend to be someone you're close to!"

"Hi, I'm Marcie! My skinny jeans are so awesome! Oh, here comes Jackie Lynn Thomas! I'm gonna impress her with my karate! Look, I got this cute little mole on my face! Isn't it adorable –"

"Okay, Star, that's enough," Marcie sighed, writing _THIS ISN'T WORKING_ on her notepad.

* * *

"Test number two: Art therapy!" Marcie handed Star a paintbrush. "Paint me a picture of your childhood."

Star painted... let's get to it. Star painted a picture of herself, being strangled by a snake with Queen Moon Butterfly's face and a monster with three heads: Ludo, Buff Frog, and a random fly monster. And, finally, a very sparkly unicorn.

"Hmm, so many symbols! So much depth! What does it say about your childhood?"

"I was just drawing unicorns and monsters 'cause they're cool! Heh, rawr!" Always a good look, Star. Always a good look.

Marcie did not give Star a good look.

* * *

"Test number three: inkblot test! What do you wee on this paper?" She held out a piece of paper with an inkblot on it.

"An inkblot! I win!"

"No, no. What does this remind you of?"

"A fat porcupine! There!"

"That's better. What about this one?"

"A little alien guy in a gnome cap. Oh! Maybe I'm sleep spelling because I'm secretly a little alien guy in a gnome cap!"

"Yeah, probably not. What about this one – oh wait, that's just a dot, never mind, this is a mistake –"

Star gasped. "That reminds me of my overbearing mother suffocating me with the duties of becoming queen for the rest of my life... ...!"

"I think we might have found the root of your problem! You have mother issues!"

Star clapped her hands. "Yay, I have mother issues!"

"No, that's bad." 

Star snapped her fingers. "Aww, shoot, I have mother issues."

"It's okay, Star. Identifying the issue is the first step to recovery!"

"Recovery! How do I do that?"

"Uuhhh..."

* * *

Marcie was sleeping when Star started sleep spelling again. She woke up when Star turned her bed into a giant cat balloon. "Oh, no!" Marcie realized, and took out her notebook. "That's one less save for me... aw."

Star muttered "Get away," and cast another spell. "Marcie...! Help!"

That was when Marcie saw a hand that wasn't Star's. Well, more of a talon. It darted out from beneath Marcie's perch on the cat balloon. Marcie jumped down from her perch and saw... a lizard girl.

She had pale green scales, dark green frills, and a red cloak over a red dress, and, of course, yellow eyes. She was tiny, really – not much bigger than Marcie – but she was holding a big dagger and her teeth were bared. 

"Star, wake up! Your sleep spells were totally justified! You were just defending yourself from... who are you?"

The lizard girl sighed, and lowered her dagger and her gaze. "My name is Lady Shinjai. I'm a minor monster noble. And I'm sorry, but I need Star's identity papers."

"Huh, what?" Star asked, bolting awake. "Oh, it's a lizard person. Figures."

"I'm on the run from Saint Olga's –"

"AAAAHHHH SAINT O'S SAINT O'S!"

"Star. Calm down." Marcie put a hand on Star's shoulders. "I think Shin-whatever is trying to tell us her tragic backstory and why that justifies breaking and entering."

"There's not much to tell. All high-ranking monsters are supposed to go to Saint O's –" "AAAAAHHHH!" "–and my family is technically high-ranking. But I don't want to go. I don't want to lose my individuality. The things that go on in Saint O's... you wouldn't believe them."

"Oh, I can believe them," Star said, giggling with a bit of an unhinged flair. She just really hates Saint O's. Hates Saint O's enough to listen to this lizard girl, when, had she not been dragged into a hate-fest for her least favorite place, she might have just blasted her on sight.

"No, I sincerely believe that you can't." Shinjai sighed. "And since you don't have to go to Saint O's because you exist, I thought if I stole your identity papers the guards would be fooled. They're not very smart."

"Wait, does this mean Ludo went to Saint O's?" Star almost felt sorry for Ludo at that... almost.

"Ludo?" Shinjai scoffed. "No, his parents are rich. They could afford to make sure that none of their many children went to that death trap." Oh, okay, Star has no reason to almost feel sorry for Ludo. False alarm, everyone.

"Death trap? It's really that awful?" Marcie asked, worried. Star was close to going to that place. What if she had gone to Saint O's instead of Earth?

"Yes, and be warned. I'll do anything to escape that place. Even..." She paused. "Even take Star hostage."

"What? Both Star and Marcie gasped.

"The guards won't let an innocent person get hurt, will they? Especially not a high princess. And I'm an evil wanted criminal and a monster, so they wouldn't put it past me, would they? And I would do it. I'd do anything."

Marcie gasped in excitement. "This sounds like a job for Dr. Marcie, Ph.D!" She got the book, the glasses, and the vest from... I don't know, hammerspace? "You see, when you take people hostage, what you're really taking is your future!"

"What? I'm confused. What are you supposed to be?"

"Uh, a psychologist?"

"What, like the people who dissect you?"

"No! What is it with Mewni and dissections? I analyze your problems and help you come up with solutions!"

"How are you going to help me with my problems?"

* * *

"I feel like the couch is unnecessary. And I refuse to lie down in it."

"Nonsense, this is the best way to talk about our issues! And here, have some hot chocolate, given to you with a blanket by my humble assistant, Star."

"I've got my eye on you," Star whispered menacingly. "Now have some hot chocolate! And a blanket!" 

"Uh, thanks for the blanket. Don't you need to get up to drink some of... whatever this is?"

"Hot chocolate! We don't have it on Mewni, but it's delicious! And it smells good, too!"

Shinjai sniffed the air. "Eww. It smells gross."

"Weird. It smells great to me. Well, try it!"

She did. "Ugh, ew," she said, spitting the drink back out. "Are you guys trying to poison me?"

Star laughed nervously. "I guess lizard people have no taste, huh?"

"My lack of taste is nothing compared to yours if you like this swill. And it's Septarian, actually."

"Ooh, fancy. What's swill?"

"I can see why you're so close to being sent to Saint Olga's –" "AAAAAHHHH I WASN'T READY!" A sigh. "I can see why you were so close to being sent to Saint Olga's if you can't pick up simple context clues."

"What're those? Heh, heh, just kidding. I got the context, ayy?"

Shinjai sighed. "Marcie. What are you trying to accomplish here? Because I doubt this was it."

 _Actually, this was pretty informative,_ Marcie thought. _Well, informative in a "learning more about Mewni" sense, not a "tending to the patient" sense. Which I guess has to come first._ "Well, let's start with discovering the root of your problems! Test one: roleplaying! Pretend to be someone in your life."

Shinjai sighed, and then pushed up the collar of the cloak she was wearing. "I'm Shinjai's mother, and I love to collect. Here, look at my flame-cured metal grate collection, it's Forces-made and impossible to replace. Isn't it amazing? I love it so much Shinjai thinks it threatens my marriage. And I keep buying as much as I can despite the fact that we have no need for grates anywhere in our house."

Marcie sighed. "That doesn't tell me much."

"What were you expecting? Me to have a twisted relationship with my parents that informs all of my decisions? My parents are pretty cool. Not the greatest, but they definitely love me and I have never had reasons to believe they were disappointed in me. Unlike Stella here, my parents hated that I had to go away to Saint Olga's."

Marcie had no response to that. Star gasped, and then muttered. "I mean... you aren't wrong."

"Heh, heh, uh, test two! Art therapy! Paint me a picture of your childhood."

Shinjai painted a quaint scene of three adult lizard people watching a baby Shinjai play with a doll. "I liked that doll quite a bit. It was my favorite toy. My parents aren't very wealthy, but we knew to act grateful for what we had, and not let what little wealth or power we had go to our heads."

Star shifted uncomfortably. She felt like that last part was aimed at her. All of this felt like it was an attack on her. She wondered what Shinjai was playing at.

"What're you playing at?" Star asked.

"Excuse me? If you don't like my painting, you can –"

"Guys, guys, calm down," Marcie said. "This is a therapeutic zone only. Only say things that are constructive and helpful."

Shinjai sighed. "Fine."

Star would seem like a real jerk if she escalated. So she said nothing.

"Good. Cool. Test three: inblot test!"

"That's a tree." New paper. "That's definitely a little alien in a gnome cap."

"Hah, see!"

New paper. "Wait, wait," Marcie said, staring at the small black dot. "I should have gotten rid of this, ugh. It's not a proper ink blot –"

"That reminds me of my terror of Saint Olga's and my desire to one-up Star because she doesn't have to go to Saint Olga's!"

"Ah-ha! We've got your issue down! You are... scared of Saint O's and jealous of Star because she doesn't have to go to Saint O's."

"I could've told you that."

"Yeah, it seems really obvious in hindsight. Guess the tests were unnecessary. Well, we figured out that you don't like hot chocolate, that's something positive, right?"

"I guess. What do I do about this, human?"

"Well, identifying the problem is the first step to recovery. I suggest, um, that, ah –"

A knocking on the door. "Open up, this is the Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty guards. There is a dangerous criminal somewhere on your property, according to our scanners. Do not attempt to resist. Do not attempt to give the criminal hot chocolate. Open up!"

Star hesitated. She could turn Shinjai in to the authorities, and make the lizard girl go away, likely forever. And maybe she would've done that, because Shinjai _was_ a monster, but Saint O's... she didn't want to sentence anyone to going there.

Marcie made the decision for her. "Star, distract the guards. I'll hide Shinjai."

"You'd do that for me?" Shinjai looked nervous and scared, but also relieved. "Really?"

Star nodded and winked. "Shh! You need to be quiet, I'm opening the door!"

"Okay, I'm being quiet," Shinjai whispered. She looked towards Marcie, who beckoned her to come upstairs.

Star opened the door to say hello to the nice, trustworthy, she-was-totally-being-sarcastic guards. "Hello! Is one of you celebrating your birthday? Because I made a cake!" Well, actually, Angie had, and it was to celebrate Star's seventy-third day on Earth. But hopefully Angie wouldn't mind, as it was for a good cause.

"Aww, you realized it was my birthday!"

"Shut up! We're robots! We don't have birthdays and we can't eat cake."

"Aww, man, then my cake will go uneaten. Well, you guys come right in and drink some hot chocolate. You can drink hot chocolate, right?"

"This is wasting our time," one of the guards snapped. "We need to search this house. A dangerous criminal could be hiding here."

"Here? In my house? Surely you jest!"

"Ooh, jest. That's a well-bred princess, there!" one of the guards replied. The lead guard sighed. 

"Let's just search this."

"Wait!" Star yelled, and then realized she probably shouldn't have yelled. "Um... You want a glass of water?"

The robot leader sighed and stepped past her. "We're searching this house, princess. No matter what you try to do."

Star had left her wand upstairs, and anyways, if she blasted a guard's head off she would be sent to Saint O's for sure. So she lead the guards on a tour of the Diaz household, trying to avoid the stairs up to the second floor.

"And that's the first floor bathroom! Pretty cool, right? I think it's cool."

The guards didn't agree, they just searched through the bathroom, upending the trashcan and getting the towels all messed up.

"There's another level on this house. Take us to it."

Star sighed and did as they asked. Hopefully Marcie had a really good hiding spot... hopefully if the guards discovered she had been hiding a dangerous criminal they wouldn't cart her off to Saint O's immediately.

They searched the entire second floor, but found... nothing. They didn't find anything. They even looked in her secrets closet, and while one of the guards got carried away by the giant bird she was keeping in there, he kind of deserved it. They found nothing, and Star was so relieved.

"Bye! Goodbye! Bye!!" Star shouted, watching as the guards left the scene. She was so, so relieved. "Byyeeee!"

Once the guards had gone, a portal opened up behind her, and Marcie and Shinjai came out. "Oh, you used the dimensional scissors? That's brilliant, Marcie!"

"Actually, it wasn't my idea. Shinjai thought of it the moment she saw the dimensional scissors. I was gonna hide her in the secrets closet."

"Well, good idea, Shinjai. That was really smart of you. Good that you didn't hide in my secrets closet, the guards looked everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Did you know that Marcie's closet has a smaller closet inside it? I didn't!

"I'm sorry I brought this on you," Shinjai said, sighing. "And I'm sorry if I'm leaving suddenly, but if the guards realize I'm here, you guys are in danger. I hope you can clean up on your own okay."

"Yeah, I think we're good. But stay a moment and we can get something together for you. Like a care package. And I'm pretty sure Star wants your mirror number."

"Mirrors can be tracked. I don't have one with me. But the care package..." Shinjai smiled shyly. "That would be nice."

Marcie walked inside and Star moved to follow, but Shinjai stopped her. "So, Star... you're definitely better than I thought you'd be."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's just... you've got a reputation for being reckless and irresponsible, and you're supposed to hate monsters. But you helped me. I'm so grateful. Even your friend's attempt at psychology was fun. I think you'll be a great high queen, provided... Anyway, thank you."

"Huh... uh, you're welcome. So, you think I'll be as good as my mom?"

"No, Star. I think you'll be way better."

* * *

Shinjai left with Marcie's emergency survival kit, which Marcie would have lots of fun replacing. Sure the food in it was a little old – "It's expired by a few days. I'm so, so sorry" – but Shinjai seemed grateful nonetheless. She left with a large smile on her face. She had the pair of them drop her off at Mewni. Star was confused, as Mewni would be crawling with people willing to turn her in, but Shinjai said she would try to escape on an ancient safe route that her people had used to flee... oppressors in the past. "The way to it'll be crawling with guards, though. Wish me luck."

Star and Marcie did.

After Shinjai left, Marcie and Star sat on the roof together. "I think I saved you this time around... with psychology," Marcie said, putting a checkmark in her notebook.

"Why are you so obsessed with who saves who?"

"Uh... it's just that, you're a magical princess from another dimension, and I'm just... me."

Star laughed and swiped Marcie's "Dr. Marcie" glasses. "Ahem. Star, Ph.D. Marcie, you are awesome. It doesn't matter who saves who. What matters is that we have each other's back."

"Yeah, but this time, I totally defused the situation! Whoo-hoo – whoa!" Marcie slipped on the dew-laiden roof tiles. As she hung from the roof and Star reached out a hand to help her up, she sighed. "Yeah, let's not do the who-saves-who thing anymore."

* * *

_I made a new... friend? I think she's a friend. Her name's Shinjai. She was trying to steal my identity papers. Joke's on her, I keep them in my secrets closet. No one's finding anything in there, unless they're Saint O's (agh) guards. But Marcie convinced her to hang out with us for a while. Then guards from Saint O's (ugh) came to take her away, but we hid her and they couldn't find her. And then we were friends. She even said that I'll be a better queen than my mother. I don't know if that's true, but I want it to be, for her sake._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eee, this was one of my favorite chapters to write so far. How do you like it?


	14. Rumordestroyers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star leaves Earth to shadow her mother for a day, and Marcie tries to watch multiple seasons of Rumordestroyers.

Star desperately tackled her messy, wild hair, while Marcie calmly brushed her teeth. It was morning in the Diaz household, and Star and Marcie were in the bathroom, getting ready for the day.

"So," Star said, brushing out a tangle. "You ready for a slow day with no big explosions?"

"Oh, there'll be explosions," Marcie said, spitting out her toothpaste. "But only on the TV. I'm watching Rumordestroyers! They always blow things up!"

"Always?" Star asked, laughing.

"Always," Marcie said, serious.

"So that's all you'll be doing? While I'll probably be full of stress, shadowing my mother for an entire day, you'll be relaxing on the couch watching people destroy rumors and blow things up?"

"Yup, basically. Personally, I'd love to switch places with you. Shadowing with the queen sure would be interesting, and I'd love to learn more about Mewni!"

"Ooh, we could switch bodies for a day!"

"No! No, no. No!"

"Ugh, okay. Well, I'll try to learn some stuff so I have something to tell you."

"Really? Thanks!"

"No problem. Just have fun watching Rumordestroyers and get your notebooks ready! But first, does my hair look okay?"

Said hair was in a giant bun, almost as big as Marcie's head. Possibly even bigger. "I don't know how you did that, but it looks nice."

"Thanks! Your hair looks nice too!"

Marcie was wearing a day-old ponytail, but she shrugged and accepted the compliment.

* * *

The two parted ways, Star getting picked up by her parents to go to Mewni, and Marcie camping out on the couch with a large bowl of homemade nacho popcorn, and a pile of more bowls of nacho popcorn. Marcie was a good cook, but no more cooking would be done that day. Or at least, only the cooking and exploding that was normal for Rumordestroyers.

Marcie spent a while like that, just laying on the couch and eating food. And she would have continued, if it wasn't for the giant explosion that erupted outside. Or at least it looked like an explosion. It was a giant column of fire and Marcie had explosions on the mind, okay?

She got up immediately and got her karate form ready. She crept towards the front door.

The doorbell rang. Marcie got out of her karate stance and opened the door, because that was polite and Marcie could be polite occasionally.

The guy at the door was... for lack of a better word, hot. He was also pretty clearly some kind of... demon? Monster? Three eyed mutant? He had the pink hair and horns to prove it. Marcie stared into his three eyes – eyeliner and all – through a triplet of sunglasses.

"Uh, hey," the demon – probably a demon, yeah – said. "I'm Tom. Um, is Star here? Because I need to talk to Star."

"Uh, Star's not here. She went to shadow her mother for the day. Sorry, dude."

"Oh, uh, okay." Tom turned to leave.

"Wait," Marcie said. Maybe she could learn about Mewni after all. "I know Star's not here, but she will be eventually, and I've got food and stuff for you if you want to stay and watch Rumordestroyers with me."

"Rumordestroyers? I love that show! The explosions –" Tom coughed. "Well, I mean. If it wouldn't be an issue to you."

Marcie beckoned him in. "Well, you're in luck, because I've got a Rumordestroyers marathon with your name on it!"

"Aw, yes!"

The two sat on either end of the couch and chilled. They ate the whole bowl of popcorn-nachos, which left Tom disappointed. "Aw, man, we're out of popcorn. It was so good, I couldn't help eating it."

"Thank you, but do not despair! Direct your attention to this pile of bowls of nacho popcorn. I really had this Rumordestroyers marathon thing planned out!" Marcie grabbed a new bowl as Tom gasped in excitement.

"That's so awesome, dude!"

Needless to say, the two got along swimmingly. Until Marcie grabbed the remote.

"I want – I mean, can I have the remote?"

"Why, dude? We're not going to be changing the channel or anything."

"GIVE ME THE REMO – uhh, uh. I just want the remote. You know? Just a feeling."

"Uhm, okay." Marcie tossed Tom the remote. "There you go, dude."

Tom looked unreasonably happy with the remote. It was kind of cute. Marcie resolved to hand him the remote immediately if he'd look like that every time.

"So... how do you know Star?" Marcie was hoping to ease into learning more about Mewni.

"Dude, uh... that's a long story. Um, I don't really want to talk about it." Marcie nodded, but filed that away in her head.

"What about Mewni? Are you from Mewni?"

"Yeah. Hey look, they're about to blow something up!" It wasn't quite a deflection, as the explosion was magnificent, but Marcie did mull on the obvious cop-out from Tom. Maybe she wouldn't get answers from him. Oh, well.

The two... had fun. Marcie let the Mewni topic drop, and just focused on having fun. Tom was a bit too into the explosions, but so was Marcie, so they got along pretty well.

Marcie didn't learn anything new about Mewni, but she did learn plenty about Tom. He really liked bunnies, he went to therapy for anger management, he had a counselor named Brian who was a normal human. He went to anger management on Earth, as "there isn't really a market for therapy in Mewni. Everyone's too proud to admit they have a problem."

"Wow, dude. That sucks."

"Yeah, well, my parents have always been supportive of me trying to improve myself, so it's cool. And guess what, I've been anger free for fifty-three days!"

"That's neat, dude, but anger-free? Anger is sometimes a healthy thing to express. Keeps you from being a doormat. At least that's what I've heard."

"Yeah, but when I get angry I shoot fire, so it's kinda important to keep me anger-free."

"Understood. Maybe you just need to focus on not getting violent when you get angry, though."

"Yeah, I guess. Maybe. I'll talk to Brian about that. But back to Rumordestroyers. They're gonna blow up a garbage truck, look!"

"Ooh, explosions!"

"I love how they always get to explosions. Even if they're studying stuff like bacteria, they always put in at least one explosion."

"Well, to be fair, bacteria can get really explosive. This one time, Star and I went on a trip to the bacteria dimension, and, well, it's not really relevant. Back to Rumordestroyers."

"No, no, tell me! It would be nice to hear what Starship – what _Star_ has been up to. I haven't really spoken to her for a while."

"Didn't part on good terms, huh?" Marcie got it. She used to be kind of awkward around Janna even though they hadn't had any bad arguments. They had just... drifted away, and only really started hanging out again when Star had thrown a bomb into the status quo. She was pretty sure Janna had only been at her house that one time to check out Star's magical room. But the point was, if Tom and Star had argued badly before they left, things could have been bad.

"Yeah. I just want to tell her that I'm sorry. I was a jerk, I'll admit it. But tell me about the bacteria."

"Oh, well we went to the bacteria dimension and Star's wand exploded, which made the bacteria catch fire, and then the fire spread, and it was a disaster, and then Ludo –"

"Ludo? He's involved in this?" Tom looked almost hurt. "Is he a friend of Star's...?"

"Hah, no. He's our mortal enemy. He tries to steal Star's wand all the time. He's really annoying."

"Oh, that's for a second I thought Star was friends with Ludo. But she's way smarter than that, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she's way to smart to have Ludo as a friend. That would never happen."

Tom laughed a little too hard. "Yeah! Star and Ludo, BFFs! In opposite land!"

"No kidding. Hey, look, the Rumordestroyers are gonna blow up some bacteria."

"Ooh, blow it up, blow it up!"

"Yeah! Blow it up, blow it up!" The two laughed in tandem. "You're pretty cool, Tom."

"Thanks, dude. It's what I do." Tom struck a 'cool' pose, though it was a little exaggerated. "I'm the king of cool. Which is why I'm also... hot."

Marcie laughed.

A laser puppy wandered by, and Marcie picked her up. "Star made these puppies for me when I was feeling down. They're pretty great. They shoot lasers."

"Well, I love lasers and I love puppies." Tom reached out to pet the laser puppy –

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Star shouted from the door. A portal closed behind her.

"Wha – Star?" Tom asked, snatching his hand back. "I swear, I wasn't doing anything –"

"I don't care! What are you doing here?"

"Uhm, I came by to talk to you, and then Marcie invited me in to watch Rumordestroyers. That's it."

"I can second that," Marcie said, watching the two of them with the same horrified fascination one reserves for watching car crashes or nuclear explosions.

"Don't get involved in this, Marcie! Tom ruins everything he touches! Don't get involved!"

"Marcie can do whatever she wants!" Tom yelled back. "And she invited me in to watch a dumb show about people blowing things up! On her own, no manipulation from me."

"Oh, I'm just supposed to believe that? Why would Marcie, a very sensible person, invite you in?"

"I wanted to learn more about Mewni." A pause. Star and Tom glared at her. "What? I thought Tom would know something."

"You wanted to learn more about Mewni? Of course you did. That's so you. Oh, well."

"You USED me to learn about Mewni?!" Tom sighed. "Of course. The one time someone wants to hang out, they want to learn about Star's queendom." He sighed again. "Of course."

"Tom, it wasn't like that! I genuinely enjoyed your company! After you wouldn't say anything about Mewni I stopped!"

Tom's eyes were flashing red. "Yeah, but you wanted something from me. Everyone does. They just like me because I'm a prince or because their grandma died and they want to see her again. No one wants me for me. And who knows, maybe they shouldn't." He breathed in hard, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, they were his normal eyes. He turned around and walked to the door, then paused. "Oh, Star, I wanted to ask you to the Blood Moon Ball. But I'm not really feeling up to it. I'll just leave it alone."

Tom opened the door and left. Marcie watched him walk down the driveway towards his carriage, and the rather large and explosive, even for Tom, column of fire that followed. Then she whirled around to face Star. "What was that about? Star, we were having fun!"

"Me? You were the one who admitted you only wanted him around to learn more about Mewni!"

"Yeah, but you were the one who stormed in out of nowhere and accused him of trying to bewitch the laser puppies!"

"He was my ex-boyfriend, Marcie! My ex! I couldn't just let him sit in a house that's basically mine and act like he was welcome in here!"

Marcie sighed and instinctively reached for her Dr. Marcie glasses. She stopped short of actually putting them on, but she reminded herself to breathe. "Star, I think we need to sit down and talk about this. Get to the root of our issues."

Star blinked. "Uh... oh, right, you've taken a class in psychology and think that that's enough to make you an expert. Right."

"Hey! Okay, mostly deserved. But yelling at each other isn't going to solve anything."

"Does this mean I won the argument?"

"Hah! You wish!

The two sat down on the couch, and Marcie offered Star some of the nacho-popcorn.

"Okay, Star. I feel upset that you drove Tom away. I wish you hadn't done that."

"Yeah, I... I was out of line. I should've known you could handle yourself. But I did have a very stressful day."

"Oh, yeah, how was your day?"

Star chuckled. "Not great I kept messing up in front of my mom. I would say something, and then she'd immediately say no, I was just the princess, so I didn't know any better. In the end she sent me home early and said that while she respected my generous spirit, I needed to be a little stricter with my ability to give. Or something like that, anyway."

"Wow."

"It gets weirder, though. When I heard I was just going to be listening to petitions all day, I thought I would learn nothing to tell you. But something happened that I think was important."

Star was clearly stringing Marcie along. Marcie would happily take the bait – she really wanted to learn more about Mewni for once today. "Don't just leave me hanging! Tell me what you learned!"

"Well, we were accepting petitions when this really old lizard man came in. He was so old that he had a beard. I didn't even know lizards could grow beards like that."

"Glossaryck has a beard."

"Hah, yeah, he does. Cute little man." Which is ridiculous, Glossaryck isn't cute. "Anyway, the really old lizard man. Mom recognized him. Called him Seth, apparently he's been around before. She said something like 'your presence isn't welcome in this castle.' Then the guards came forward and moved to throw him out, but he shouted at them to wait. 'A village in the north of the Forest of Certain Death has been overrun by a slime wave. Their food stores have been destroyed. They need your help super much!' and then Mom said 'As if I'd believe you!' and then he laughed and responded that of course 'the Great Queen Moon the Undaunted wouldn't believe a lowlife such as me. But what about her daughter? What would she do to help the village in peril?'"

"Wow."

"Yeah, and I was all like 'What? You want something from me?' and then Mom yelled 'keep her out of this' in her queenly voice, but Seth just kept staring at me. I was super nervous and Mom was yelling so I just said 'Well... I'd do what my mom said we should do. You're not trustworthy, so I wouldn't trust you.'"

" _Wow._ "

"Yeah, no kidding. Seth looked like I'd slapped a laser puppy, but Mom looked proud of me, so I think I did good? Maybe?"

"Well, do you think you did the right thing?"

"No, Marcie. I really don't. And Seth didn't think I did either. He said something like 'Of course you wouldn't. That's why all you Butterflys are in big doo-doo.'"

"'Big doo-doo?'"

"Yeah, something like that. And then Mom had the guards throw him out, and then Mom told me that it was time to leave and then I went home, and we all know how that turned out. But other than that I was just receiving petitions, and that was so boring."

"I don't know, receiving petitions sounds kind of interesting. What did you learn?"

Star snorted. "Well, Bill down at the calzone factory wants more money to make his calzones, and blah blah-blah blah-blah blah. It was so boring. Everyone wanted such stupid little things and no one had problem-solving skills. It was so, so, soooo boring."

"Well, we can have a not-boring time later, but first we have to talk about Tom."

Star sighed. "You can have the scissors and go talk to him, but I'm not going. We had a big fight when we broke up, and I don't want to talk to him right now."

"I'll accept that... as long as I can say that you apologized to him."

"You can say that. Doesn't make it true. But I am sorry for being a drama queen."

"I think that makes it true."

"Ugh, you got me there."

* * *

Tom Lucitor sighed and collapsed on the couch in his parent's castle's sitting room. Good thing his parents weren't here, they would want to know how his day went. And he didn't want to talk about it. Sure, it hadn't been bad, per se, but the ending to his day was definitely bad. When it had turned out that all Marcie wanted was to know about Mewni... and sure, it was a perfectly valid reason to hang out with a complete stranger, but... ugh! Tom didn't want to be a complete stranger, he wanted to be a friend.

Which was the thought going through his mind as a portal opened up in the middle of the room. Marcie walked out of it, and called out, "Tom? Are you in here, man?"

Tom got up from the couch and debated running off, but Marcie noticed him before he could. "Tom! I'm so sorry, I was a jerk. It's true, I only invited you in so I could talk about Mewni, but I'm so sorry. After spending an afternoon with you, I genuinely want to hang out with you for you. I'd love to be friends with you."

Tom sniffled a little. "Really? You'd like to hang out to hang out? Not... to talk about Mewni or whatever?"

"Yeah. And there's a Rumordestroyers marathon that still has your name on it. I brought the box set!"

"Wow, dude, I had no idea you loved Rumordestroyers that much! And, dude?"

"Yeah?"

"Anytime you'd like to talk about Mewni... I'll talk about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Though I mostly know stuff about the Underworld and such, if you want to know about Star's family history or whatever, you should ask Star. But... we're friends, aren't we?"

"Totally. Well... I'll definitely take you up on that. The Underworld sounds fascinating. But right now, Rumordestroyers."

"I hoped you'd say that." Tom motioned Marcie to follow him. "I have a deluxe TV in my room. Let's go watch people blow things up."

"Oh, and Star says she's sorry for being a drama queen." Marcie said, following Tom.

"Yeah, I'm not pushing my luck that far. I'm sure she's still angry with me."

"Well, yeah. But she'll have to get used to you. I'm going to have you over for popcorn-nachos all the time."

* * *

_I went to shadow my mom today, Diary, While I was gone, Tom showed up at the Diaz house looking for me. But he and Marcie really hit it off. I almost ruined that when I came in and made a stink over Tom being in my house. Well, I learned my lesson and Marcie went over to Tom's and hasn't come back yet. Hopefully because she is having too much fun and not because Tom used her for target practice. I mean, Tom probably wouldn't do that, would he? Probably not._

_Let me tell you, Diary, there's something I'm really spooked about. When I was back in Mewni, everyone was on edge. There were way more royal guards than normal, and General Loveberry was too busy to do our secret handshake. Imagine that, Diary! Too busy to do our secret handshake! That wasn't the only weird thing, though. This old lizard guy I met when hearing petitions really spooked me. I didn't want to scare Marcie, but when he said that the Butterfly family was in trouble, I could tell he really meant it. Mom also sent me right back home after she kicked him out of the castle. I wonder what's going on, it feels like something big._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you can't tell, Rumordestroyers is a spoof of Mythbusters, which is a good show that everyone should watch. Science!
> 
> And if you want to read my ramblings on writing this fic in real time, or just want to look at my art, here's the [tag](https://sageoftheuniverse.tumblr.com/tagged/samatfoe).
> 
> Next up:  
> Fortune Cookies: Following another defeat at the hands of Star and Marcie, Ludo hires a new minion.
> 
> Freeze Day: Star freezes time so that Marcie can see his squish, Jackie, but when time refuses to restart she has to go to the Plains of Time to convince Father Time to start the multiverse up again.


	15. Fortune Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following another defeat at the hands of Star and Marcie, Ludo hires a new minion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's Time, my dudes

Star threw a punch at Three-Eyed Potato Baby, Buff Frog, and Beard Deer, knocking them over. Sucks to suck, my mates. She stood side by side with Marcie, and the pair fought with all the ferocity of soccer moms at the mall on Black Friday. 

Ludo was not fighting, he was standing on a rock and yelling at his minions. "How are you losing?! You guys have, like, two hundred pounds on her!" I'll tell you what I told your minions when Star punched them out. Sucks to suck, my mate.

Star and Marcie... well, this is kind of mean of them. Marcie was holding Beard Deer's pants open as Star blasted them with assorted sparkles and glittery bits with her wand. 

Ludo growled. "At least hit her with a rock or something!"

Bearicorn took Ludo's advice. He hit Star... with a pebble. Star raised an eyebrow. Bearicorn backed down. "Yeah, I... I don't know what I was expecting."

Ludo groaned in frustration. Star whooped.

Star bounced off the two-headed monster and onto one of Mr. Diaz's expertly sculpted trees. "Off this tree, over that tree, nothin' but neck!" Star fired a cupcake blast off the tree, over the other tree, and off onto the neck of the giraffe monster. "Told you I could do it."

Marcie smiled and almost gave Star ten dollars, but several monsters approached them in a single-file line. "Double or nothing! One kick, seven monsters!"

Star smiled and made a gesture that effectively communicated "they're all yours."

"Hii-yah!" Marcie kicked Buff Frog in the chin, knocking him backwards into the other monsters, felling them like dominos, finally knocking Ludo off his rock. Ludo growled in frustration. Sucks to suck, my mate.

Star squealed in delight. "We beat them! Who-hoo!" She jumped off the tree and bounced off the ground, a wall, another tree, and a small bush of greenish-white-flowered black vines. The last ones had thorns, so she got out of them quickly. "Ugh, I am so hyper today. And I really don't like Mr. Diaz's new gardening project."

"I guess I'll talk to my dad about that. But this victory was absolute! There's only one thing to do now: go get Chinese food!"

"Ooh, great! ...what's Chinese food?"

Ludo, still trapped under Three-Eyed Potato Baby, growled. The growl rose in volume until it became a scream. His minions had to carry him through the portal and into the castle's break room. It was hilarious. Laugh at his misfortune, laugh. It's the best thing to do in this situation. "You guys are USELESS!!"

The monsters in the break room did their best to prove him right. Three-Eyed Potato Baby hovered over the water cooler, with Boo Fly trapped inside, probably drowning. The conjoined monsters were sticking forks in their eyes. The giraffe monster played a guitar, which showed musical dexterity and a complete lack of a sense of time and place. The warthog monster was sticking a baguette in his nose. Big Chicken accidentally knocked over the coffee maker. The frilled necked septarian sat on top of the fridge, and he wasn't even supposed to be there. And Bearicorn kept sticking a dollar into the vending machine, but it kept rejecting the dollar. A sad excuse for an army, for a sad excuse for a leader.

"You're always screwing up my brilliant plans! I need someone who can wrangle you imbeciles into shape!" Ludo slapped Bearicorn's hand. "Oh, go get change!"

Three-Eyed Potato Baby sipped from a plastic cup of water. "Hmm. Good."

* * *

"Oh my goodness, I love this! And it's so fun eating with these tiny wands!" Star stabbed the air with her chopsticks. "Pew, pew, pew! Boom, boom, aaah!"

"Here are your fortune cookies," the waiter said, placing a plate with two fortune cookies on it on the table. 

"Cookies!" Star gasped. She grabbed on and stuck it in her mouth. Then she spat out the paper. "Ugh, if they're trying to poison me, they're not very good at it. I didn't even choke."

"That's the fortune part of the fortune cookies. You read them and they  _ magically  _ predict the future. Let's see what mine is!" Marcie cracked open hers and read the fortune. "A friend will greet you with a smile."

"Aww, cute!" Star smiled at the sentiment.

"See? It came true! Magically!"

"Whoa," Star gasped. She grabbed the fortune that she had chewed up a little and read it. "Think positively and good luck will come your way!"

Star glanced up and saw a waiter carrying a box of cookies. "More cookies!" she shouted, running towards the waiter. 

The waiter looked puzzled. She had been carrying the cookies to the trash. "These are stale."

"More cookies!"

"Okay, weird cookie girl," the waiter replied, giving Star the box. Star turned to Marcie with a big smile on her face.

"Oh, I guess good luck did come your way! Magic!" Marcie, are you absolutely sure you want to encourage this? I have been on both sides of this whole charade before, and it never ends well.

"It did, it did!" Star gasped. "These are incredible!" Star grinned an unsettlingly large grin and held the cookies up to her face with a frozen smile.

"...Star?"

* * *

Ludo's hiring process was... well, I'd hesitate to call it a stupendous disaster, because Ludo did find  _ someone _ , but yeah, stupendous disaster does about cover it. Countless horrible choices flooded past Ludo’s large, somewhat spartan desk (though it did have a pencil holder that looked like Star being skewered). Everyone wanted a piece of his pie, including people who shouldn't have even been let in. 

Such as:

"Eh, previous job experience? Nope. No one's ever been dumb enough to hire me."

"Next!"

"Weaknesses? I don't have any." The applicant's neck bent under the weight of his own head. "Ha haha, uh... no weaknesses."

"Next!"

"How am I under pressure? Awesome!" 

"Is that so?"

"Uh, yeah! Um, w-why? Did you hear otherwise? Ugh! I can't take it anymore!" She screamed and jumped out the window.

"Next!"

"Where do I see myself in ten years? Oh, I'm best friends with Star Butterfly and we hang out all the time sharing feelings and holdin' hands and... uh, sure, you have the wand. Definitely."

"Next!"

"Abugavahweegulopo –"

"You make absolutely no sense! Go away!"

The next applicant petted a small... animal? One of those animal-like plant things? One of those. "Soft... so soft..."

"Next!"

A pudgy jackalope. 

"Next!"

A small slime.

"Next!"

A... female version of Ludo?

"Neeext!" Ludo rubbed his temples. "These idiots are even worse than you idiots!"

Ludo didn't see the next monster come in, or even sit down. One second the chair was empty, the next second it was filled by an ambiguously gendered lizard person of indeterminate age and incredibly good taste in fashion (a nicely tailored business suit). They stared at Ludo with... unsettling poison-green eyes. 

Then they offered Ludo a glass of West Mewman Swamp Water with their left hand, the one not missing a middle finger. "Or, do you drink it straight from the bottle?" It was exactly what Ludo needed. 

"On days like these...!" Ludo squacked, grabbing the offered glass.

"Tell me about it," was the neutrally-toned answer.

"I will! You'd think it wouldn't be hard, stealing a wand from a teenager... ugh! Wait, where did you come from?"

"I let myself in."

"You did? When?"

"After you hired me."

"I hired you?"

"I accept!"

"..." Ludo blinked twice and then nodded. "Excellent!"

The lizard shook Ludo's hand and gave him their card. They had trimmed claws, except for the middle finger, which was completely missing. Take notes, everyone. "We'll start tomorrow, get some rest!"

They left, as mysteriously as they entered.

"Uh... did anyone catch their name?"

"Uh, no," Buff Frog said. He's been in this scene the entire time? I'm checking my notes, and yeah, he has. Oops.

Ludo looked at the card. All it had was a name, white against the black card. "Toffee. I guess their name is Toffee."

Buff Frog had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

"Oh wise and mystical cookies, tell me the answer which I seek!" Star said, holding up the fortune cookie box.

"Star, stop it. I'm seriously worried about this. Fortune cookies aren't real. They're just vague so you can read into them. Those 'fortunes' are manufactured by people in factories! No magic!"

"Pfft, no. Next you'll tell me that's how they get the snow in snow globes! It's clearly the work of dark wizards. Next fortune!" She opened the cookie, eating the cookie. "An unexpected visitor will soon arrive! Ooh!" She turned and stared at the door.

Marcie opened the door and closed it. Multiple times. No one showed. "See? Nothing. Now, who wants tacos?" As soon as she mentioned tacos, Ferguson appeared in the doorway, clearly showing that he got teleportation lessons from Toffee. 

"I want tacos!"

"Why hello, unexpected visitor!"

"Ferguson! Back me up! Food doesn't have any mystical powers!"

"Whoa, dude, you can't just dismiss things like that. I once ate a cookie off the floor and I met my spirit animal that night. It was a wolf."

Marcie sighed.

Star read her next fortune. "Reach for the stars and your dreams will come true." She aimed her wand towards the sky and narwhal blast'd, narrowly missing a spying Buff Frog. "Forces of Evil, I have always dreamed of having a skylight in here! Basing my every decision on the whims of these fortune cookies is the best decision I ever made!"

Marcie, who was crushed by the falling rubble, was less than happy. "Can you give me a hand?"

Star read from a fortune cookie. "Yes."

* * *

At the Avarius Castle, Ludo introduced Toffee to his fearsome army of monsters. Said fearsome army of monsters were having a dance battle which turned into a dance brawl.

"Ugh, look. Are my monsters the worst or what?"

Toffee briefly considered and dismissed saying "No worse than their leader." That, however, would be rude, so they didn't. Instead they let out an "uh" and search for something to comment on that wasn't the blatant incompetence of every party in the room.

Said opportunity came when a portal opened up and Buff Frog came through a portal and handed the dimensional scissors off to Ludo.

"Ludo, Master! The girl thinks the papers in her cookies are fortunes! She does whatever they say!"

"Interrupting!" Ludo shouted. "So, are my monsters awful or what?"

Toffee ignored the question. Instead they focused on Buff Frog. "Maybe we can do something with these... fortune cookies."

Buff Frog moved Ludo a bit to the side, but not, unfortunately for him, out of Toffee's earshot. "Master Ludo, do you really trust them?"

"Of course! Duh! Now, let's do that plan of Toffee's."

Buff Frog really had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

"Please, Star! Food can't predict the future!" Marcie tagged along as Star went to get more fortune cookies. She was almost out.

"Nonsense! There's a place in Mewni that has calzones that can predict how you're gonna die with 97% accuracy. It's great!"

The two cleared the corner to the back of the Chinese restaurant and saw two people dance battling. Marcie told Star to stop. "Don't disturb them! I think that guy's about to get served!" 

Unnoticed by both Star and Marcie, Boo Fly snuck behind them to replace Star's cookie with an identical copy. He buzzed back around the corner to Toffee and Ludo, where Toffee congratulated him on a job well done.

Then Ludo's monsters arrived on the scene. Then the dancers revealed that they were monsters all along. Then the boombox lifted to reveal a monster underneath it. "Hah! Get her!" Ludo shouted from around the corner.

Star held Marcie away and opened her last fortune cookie. It said "Love is always the answer."

Marcie spluttered. "Love isn't the answer right now, fighting is!"

Star shook her head. "Sorry, Marcie. It's not the will of the cookies." She offered a hug to one of the monsters.

Said monster broke down crying and hugged her back. "She's so huggable!"

Marcie attempted to fight off the monsters, but Star continued hugging them. "Don't fight them! Then they won't fight you!"

"I don't think that's how it works!" Marcie was wrong, mostly. Fighting rarely gets you anywhere, manipulation and appeals to ego are the way to go. Just ask Toffee.

The monsters tacked Marcie and shoved her in the dumpster. The Bearicorn locked her in with his horn.

Toffee, Ludo, and Boo Fly watched the "fight". Ludo raced forward to grab Star's wand from her, but Toffee held them back. "Patience," Toffee said the first time. "Seriously, patience is a virtue," they said the fifth time. By the tenth time they only blocked Ludo and knocked him over with their tail. "You have to wait for the right moment! And this is not then!"

"When is the right time?"

"Not now."

Ludo growled. "You might have time, but I don't!" He ran off. Toffee let him go. They had made their point to Boo Fly.

Ludo raced forward, shoving monsters out of his way. He ran to where Star was hugging the conjoined twins. He was almost there, almost grabbing the wand –

The conjoined twins shoved him aside. "Hey, wait your turn. I've been waiting for this since middle school."

"You idiots are screwing up the plan!"

"What plan?" Star asked.

The conjoined twins sighed and set their faces. Then one spoke. "Look, Star, I don't want to say this, but I think a healthy relationship needs a foundation of honesty."

"ME TOO!" shouted the second twin, but the first shoved him away, annoyed. 

"The fortune cookies aren't real. They were just a trick so that Ludo could steal your wand. I'm really sorry, does this change anything between us? It doesn't have to –"

Star didn't hear anything else, because her ears were humming... with anger. She held up her wand.

A screech of plastic and wheels and Marcie was shoving herself out of the dumpster and next to Star. "You know what this means, right?"

"Yeah," Star said. "Love is never the answer."

"Aw, man, I was gonna say that!"

"SPARKLE GLITTER MUSHROOM BLAST!" Star shouted, and a – heh – mushroom cloud exploded around them.

Toffee, standing carefully outside the blast radius, smirked. Doesn't suck to not suck, I guess.

The monsters were totally beaten. Star had remembered to shield herself and Marcie at the last second, but everyone else was covered in mushrooms and groaning. Ludo shoved them all into the portal. When the last webbed foot of Buff Frog was shoved roughly towards the portal, Ludo turned to Toffee. "Welcome to my life!" Then he stepped through.

Toffee paused outside of the portal.

"Sorry I thought fortune cookies were real. I should've figured that they weren't, since Earth has such little magic."

Marcie just laughed. "I shouldn't've tried to mess with you and told you fortune cookies were real in the first place. I know how little you know about Earth, and how common magic is on Mewni."

The two laughed about how little they knew about each other's worlds. 

The waitress from before opened the door to throw away another box of stale fortune cookies. "Oh, weird cookie girl! Want some more stale cookies?"

"Who can say no to that?"

Marcie looked at her strangely.

"What? They're not real fortunes, but they are real cookies!"

"Oh, alright. I'll have some too."

Star opened a cookie, stuffed the cookie part in her mouth, and read the fortune. "The Forces of Evil are rising."

The two laughed and tossed the fortune away. Marcie pulled Star towards the end of the alleyway. "Come on, let's go home. It looks like it's going to rain."

Toffee, unseen by either Star or Marcie, exited through the portal.

* * *

"A toast!" Ludo crowed, raising a glass of swamp water. "That was the closest we've ever come! But that girl always gets the best of me!"

Toffee sipped their swamp water politely. "Yes, well, you're not the first monster to fall victim to their magic." Toffee looked at Butterfly Castle out of the window, where rain clouds were gathering.

"Things will be different when I get the wand! Hah! Pew-pew-pew! Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew!"

Toffee sighed internally and stared off into the distance. They had a long way to go.

* * *

_ I learned not to trust fortune cookies today. I guess I should have realized that. There's not much magic on Earth. I've even heard that normal magic wands, other than mine, don't even work consistently here. Which is probably the reason Ludo doesn't use his wand all that often. Either that or he's just stupid. Whatever works.  _

_ Speaking of Ludo, something was weird today... Ludo and his monsters attacked, which is normal, but they actually had a plan this time. I asked Marcie and she said she "guessed" that it was weird, so I know it's weird. I don't think they've ever had this much of a plan. _


	16. Freeze Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star freezes time so that Marcie can see his squish, Jackie, but when time refuses to restart she has to go to the Plains of Time to convince Father Time to start the multiverse up again.

Star gazed at her headband in the mirror. "Nah," she said, and zapped it with her wand. The devil horns turned into a flower headband. "Nope." A pirate hat. "Eh." A red fez. "Nah." A giant unicorn hat. "Ugh, nope." And, finally, a cactus headband. "There we go! Cacti it is!"

Marcie raced in with the laser puppies at her feet. She rushed to the mirror. "Augh, I overslept! I'm going to be late! Move, move, move!" She urgently brushed her hair with a toothbrush and brushed her teeth with a hairbrush. Weird, Marcie usually is a little more tidy, right? I mean, I'm only the narrator, what do I know. But she seemed really frazzled about something or another. "Where's my hoodie?!"

Star agreed with me. "Whoa, chill, Marcie. We can still make it to school by first period," Star said, raising up her hands.

"This isn't about learning! It's about friendship! Deep, important friendship! Every day I get to school at 7:55, because at 7:56, Jackie Lynn Thomas gets there! And we share a nod. It's kind of our thing."

Star giggled, and then frowned. "Wait, you just nod? You don't even say hi?"

"I'm working up to that." Marcie got out a piece of paper from hammerspace, probably. "See? It's all part of my twenty-three step plan. I'm already on step four: nodding every day."

Star nodded thoughtfully. "Mmm-hmm. I don't get it."

One of the laser puppies leapt up and shot lasers at Marcie. "Down, boy! Hey, bad laser puppy!" Star looked at the clock. "It's 7:54! I can't possibly make it! Can't you... uhh, magically stop time or something?"

Star froze. "Uhh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah. Sure. Easy peasy time-y freezie."

Everything stopped. And I mean everything. The laser puppies stopped running around and shooting lasers, freezing in mid-leap. In the kitchen, Angie froze while flipping a pancake. In the downstairs shower, Rafael stopped singing his opera and scrubbing. Outside, the cars slowed down to a stop and the trees stopped rustling in what had been a strong breeze. Everything was suddenly silent as sound waves stopped. Marcie and Star were the only things moving.

Marcie touched one of the laser puppy's lasters that was frozen mid-fire. Her finger got singed, ouch. She stuck her finger in her mouth. "Uh... do you know what you just did?" She took her finger out of her mouth.

"I... froze time?"

"You froze time! Now I can get to school in time to nod at Jackie!"

"School?" Star asked, grabbing Marcie's face. "But it's a freeze day!"

Marcie's face slowly broke into a grin.

* * *

They gave a lot of people mustaches. They ate a lot of cake. They gave bullies wedgies, they had a picnic on top of cars on the freeway, and they messed with Ludo, who was just coming out of a portal to steal the wand. Toffee was on a brief vacation, so Ludo was planning to just run for the wand yet again. Poor idiot kappa.

"That was the funnest sixteen hours of my life," Marcie said as she and Star went back to the school. I'm not entirely sure "funnest" was a word before that, but Marcie would _make it_ a word. She and Star were giggling from their escapades.

"Oh, hey, look! It's frozen Jackie!" Star pointed out. And there was, indeed, frozen Jackie, frozen mid-kick on her skateboard.

"I have to get in the optimal nod position!" Marcie said, straightening her hair and leaning against the lockers. "Ready."

"Oor, maybe it's time for the next step of your plan! You could talk to her!"

"Uh, t-the wind isn't right! I've got a pimple coming in! Uh, I think I'll just do the nod today."

Star sighed. "Okay... Easy peasy time un-freezie!"

Nothing happened. Or, rather, nothing continued to happen. Time remained frozen.

"Huh. Easy peasy time un-freezie!"

Nothing happened two: electric boogaloo.

"Huh."

"Come on, Star. What's going on?"

Marcie approached Star, who looked... frozen. "Star?! Not you too! I can't be alone like this! Wake up!"

Star unfroze. "Nah, man, I'm just messing with you."

"Oh, thank goodness. What do we do now?"

The scene cut to the Diaz household. Star pulled the Magic Book of Spells from under her bed. "Okay, magic instruction book. Instruct me!" Star opened the page to see Glossaryck not moving. "Look, Glossaryck is frozen too." Hah, as if! Little scamp can resist time spells like all of us. 

"Good. I never liked that guy." Marcie turned a page, moving Glossaryck out of view. "'Scrape the sides,' buddy."

"Hey, I gave you the information you needed!" A pause. "Ignore meeeee!"

"Apparently Glossaryck isn't frozen. Wow." Marcie sighed.

"Okay, okay, let's see. Let's see. What to do if you make a dimension explode, what to do if you delete gravity... ooh!" 

Marcie flipped the page for Star. "Don't get any ideas."

"Heh, heh, sorry. Ah-ha! What to do if you freeze time! It says we can move time forward by going to the Plains of Time and pushing the Wheel of Progress. Let's go!" Star got out the dimensional scissors and opened a portal. The two of them stepped through the portal into the Plains of Time.

"Wow," said Marcie. And "wow" just about covered it. The Plains of Time were... weird. They were an expanse of dull red sand covered in melted, deformed clocks, like something out of a Salvador Dalí painting. Improbable and frozen rivers of something that was not water and was also bright red twisted through the landscape, pooling into a waterfall whose droplets hovered in midair. Other methods of timekeeping – hourglasses, cuckoo clocks, and Marcie believed she'd seen a water clock – were scattered across the plains, in giant and tiny sizes. Marcie squinted at the blood-red horizon and saw a giant stream of sand coming down – the whole place was a giant hourglass. She wondered what would happen if the sand stopped falling.

The end of the multiverse, probably.

"This is definitely one of the weirder places we've been to." Marcie shivered in the cold air. 

"Weirder than the dimension with the cats with human faces?"

Both Star and Marcie shuddered. They didn't talk about the dimension with the cats with human faces.

"Look! That must be it!" Star pointed to an old, rusty wheel. It looked something like a gear, with bars along the inside. It was very old and very rusty and had cracks along the top. "It looks like a giant hamster wheel!"

"I do not envy whoever runs this thing," Marcie said, looking at the worn and rusty sides.

"We gotta start this thing again somehow," Star got on the wheel and tried to move it. Nothing happened, the wheel was old and heavy and Star was strong, perhaps unnaturally so, but not strong enough to move it. "New plan! Rainbow Raccoon Rotation!"

A pink – not rainbow, the spell was a little off – raccoon came out of Star's wand and attempted to move the wheel. The wheel didn't budge, and the raccoon looked puzzled and then ran off. It would go on to build a civilization of raccoons that would spread across and live in the Plains of Time for a long, long time. Don't ask how only one raccoon would do that. Don't ask.

"Magic won't work on that," a voice came from the distance. "You need to use the magic of toesies." A giant blue humanoid with a white robe and beard and a red-gold chained clock around his neck stood on a hill in the distance. He wiggled his toes. His name was Father Time, and he used he/him pronouns. I happen to know this guy. He's a riot.

"Who are you?" Star asked, because she was slow to get to the obvious conclusion.

"I'm Father Time! And this is Rocksworth!" He held up a rock. "He's a rock, but don't tell him that. He's sensitive about it." Father Time, Pusher of the Wheel of Progress, Esquire, blew a raspberry.

"Father Time? So you must push this thing," Marcie gestured at the wheel.

"Hey, look, I'm over here!" Father Time shouted, ignoring Marcie entirely. He moved a few steps to the left and giggled. "And now I'm over here! Isn't that cool?"

"How long were you on that wheel?"

"Oh, you know, forever. Until someone cast a freeze spell and knocked me off it." Father Time raced over to a mud puddle, made out of thick sand and not-water. "What is _that_?"

"Uh, mud," Marcie responded, walking up to Father Time and reaching out a hand to grab him. Her impressive plan of "grab the old man and force him onto the wheel" failed when Father Time took a swan dive into the mud. Marcie stopped on the edge of the puddle, as she didn't want to get her expensive skinny jeans dirty.

Me, I've never seen the appeal of skinny jeans. They're like leggings, but they hate you.

"Oh, this is glorious! I love mud!" Father Time rolled around in the mud and got it everywhere, including in his beard. He grabbed a chunk of mud and tasted it, before spitting it out on Marcie's face. "Mud is not for eating, clearly."

Marcie wiped the mud off her face. "So, Father Time. Feel like getting back on the wheel and starting the universe up again?"

"Oh, where has this glorious stuff been all my life?"

"Father Time? Hello?"

"Hey, you can still play with mud on the wheel!" Star shouted, slathering mud on the wheel. She really didn't need to, that wheel was plenty dirty on its own.

"Yeah!" Marcie responded, gesturing to the wheel. "Huh? Huh?"

"Well, that is an enticing offer, but nah. Rather wait 'til my boss comes up and makes me do it."

"And how long would that take?" Marcie asked, cross.

"Oh, you know. Time is a little off, what with it being frozen, but maybe a few millennia? Maybe more? Depends on his mood. Hey, look, there's some mud that's a slightly different color!" He raced off, and Star and Marcie raced after him. He had longer legs, but they didn't stop to look at little things in their path. "And there's a time twig, and a time bush, and... I don't know what that thing is, but it's waddling."

"Quack," said the time goose. To delineate that it was a time goose, it was wearing a red-gold clock on a chain around its neck, much like Father Time. Other than that, it seemed to be a normal goose.

"Yeah, me too buddy!" Father Time said.

"Wait!" Marcie shouted. "You can't just leave time stopped!"

Father Time started jumping around the landscape. Marcie and Star struggled to keep up with him. Father Time whooped in sheer zest for life. 

"But – but without time, glitter can't glitter! Rainbows can't shoot across the sky!"

"And everyone we know will be frozen forever! I don't want to grow old and die while my friends are timeless!"

Father Time paid no attention to Star and Marcie, and instead raced to a door in one of the giant hourglasses. "What's this?" he asked, and pushed through it. It opened, and Father Time danced through it. Star and Marcie raced towards the door, but it shut before they could get inside.

Then Father Time reappeared on the back of a speedy turtle. "Whoo-hoo! YOLO! Anything's possible!" Oh no, he's one of _those_ guys. Who even says YOLO anymore?

Star and Marcie attempted to chase after the turtle by hopping on the back of a rabbit. But when the rabbit moved, it moved very, veeeerrrrrryyyy slowly. "I hate this dimension." Marcie declared.

Father Time got off his turtle and splashed around a frozen stream of not-water. Wait. I get it. It's a _time stream_! How did I not get that before this?! Anyways, Father Time, splashing, not-water. The water stopped being frozen for him. He swam his way through the not-water, across to the other side. 

Marcie and Star begged him to slow down, please! Father Time did not hear them, or at least, he didn't care.

The pursuing used some floating clocks to cross the time stream. That might have been a mistake, as they turned into infants once they stepped on the clocks. Star stopped Marcie from falling into the water, and then stepped to another clock and transformed into an elderly woman. "Oh, my hearts!" Star cried, touching her wrinkled cheekmarks.

Marcie tried toddling on her little infant legs only to fall forwards and land with her chin on the next clock. Only her head aged, while the rest of her body remained a baby. "Not a word," she growled. Star giggled, which was a word, in its own way.

Star and Marcie made their way across the time stream, moving along in time as they went. They leapt off the clocks and returned to normal, thankfully. They were getting too old/young for the target audience there.

"I think he went in there!" Star shouted, pointing to a giant building in the distance. "Let's go, let's go!" The two of them ran towards the building.

"Wow." Marcie said. Star echoed the sentiment. Around them were screens and screens showing the whole history of the multiverse. "It's the whole history of the multiverse!" Marcie said, because she liked to say what's already been said. "Oh, there's the battle of Lexington! Got it!"

A giant eyeball on a fleshy, enlarged tube that was about as close to an optic nerve as a lion is to a housecat extended from the ceiling and gazed at Star. Suddenly all the screens were showing scenes of Star: baby Star playing with toys, young Star taking the royal carriage for a joyride, teen Star going through a punk phase with Lilacia.

"Oh, I remember that!" Star said, looking at an image of her sword fighting with her babysitters. Star giggled. "Watching me is fun!" The images flashed through Star fighting monsters, Star travelling to Pixtopia, Star sitting next to her mother as an old lizard man was dragged out of the throne room, Star holding up a box of fortune cookies, and then settled on Star's mirror image. "Oh, hi me!"

"This place must keep track of everything we've done in our lives!" Marcie said. The giant eyeball turned and stared at Marcie.

The screens showed Marcie nodding to Jackie over and over: from preschool to kindergarten to elementary school to middle school. "Wow. I've been nodding for a long time," was all Marcie could say. She _had_ been nodding for a long time. 

Social anxiety, you know. I get it.

Star didn't really have social anxiety, but she put a comforting hand on Marcie's shoulder nonetheless. One doesn't have to understand someone else's problems to be comforting.

"Hey, guys!" Father Time shouted from where he was playing with a spring door stopper. I bet you forgot about Father Time, didn't you? Please say yes, I forgot about him. "Isn't this place incredible? It's like we're living in the future!"

"Father Time!" Marcie ran to him and grabbed his arm.

"Emerald Snake Strike!" Star shouted, wrapping both Marcie and Father Time in green snakes. 

Marcie spat out a snake. Poor snake. Don't worry, they'll go on to found a great colony of snakes that will rival the raccoons. "I think we got him! Time to go back to your wheel, buddy."

Before they could exit the premises with Father Time, the giant eye looked at him. All of the screens showed a large red dragon clapping his(trust me... I know this guy, and he's a he) hands together, and a baby humanoid with Father Time's blue skin, white hair, and clock necklace popped into existence. 

The two of them, the dragon and Father Time, were like father and son, because that was what they were, really. They did all the things that normal father-son duos did together: play basketball, eat healthy breakfasts of Timeflakes™, chant in tongues foreign to human vocal cords in obsidian circles, fishing, stuff like that. And through all of that, the dragon said that Father Time would have a grand destiny when he grew up.

And then, when he did grow up, the dragon stuck him on the Wheel of Progress and left him there. Father Time ran the wheel endlessly. He ran and ran and ran, all thinking that it was part of some grand destiny. And it was grand, to push the Wheel of Progress. He was making time work throughout the multiverse! He should be happy... why was he not happy? He spun and spun and spun the wheel for billions and billions of years, alone and abandoned. 

My brother can be so cruel sometimes.

Father Time sighed as the screens played out his few moments of freedom, a bitter reminder of what used to be. "Yeah, bring me back to the wheel. I'll just... run on it forever. Just... all of eternity, right?" He chuckled weakly.

Star made sympathetic noises. "We can't just make him!"

"If only there was some other way to turn the wheel. I think maybe –" Marcie was cut off by a giggle from Father Time, who was petting a giant time hamster. Star and Marcie looked at each other. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

* * *

Star put the finishing touches on a giant time hamster-drawn carriage she'd made out of the wheel. Father Time sat at the top, holding the reigns.

"Actually, I was thinking – you know what, that works."

"Now you can go wherever you want and keep the wheel moving! I'm brilliant, right?" Star clapped her hands excitedly.

"Yeah, dude! You guys are great! Feel free to sample any of my mud! Even the good stuff!" Father Time gestured to the banks of the river of not-water.

"Yeah, we're good," Marcie summarized her own feelings, but not necessarily Star's. Star was secretly a mud aficionado. And Father Time had some nice mud. But she shrugged and agreed with Marcie, because that was the normal thing to do and Star was supposed to be a normal magical princess.

"Oh, and maybe you shouldn't freeze time again. It's kind of fragile. Wouldn't want to break it, ya know? You two are already now immune to time freeze spells, and if that's anything it's bad for the timeline. So be careful about time spells. It's pretty dangerous stuff, time. And I wouldn't want my da – boss to get angry with you. Anyways, I'm off to explore this dimension! Toodles!" He raced off on his wheel, the time hamsters pulling him along.

"Aww, cute...! Wait! The wheel's moving!"

Marcie panicked. "We have to get back!"

Back on Earth, Mrs. Diaz finished her pancake flip, the laser puppies started firing their lasers again, Mr. Diaz resumed singing opera in the shower, and several people appeared to suddenly get mustaches. Star and Marcie immediately raced back to school through the dimensional scissors, and Marcie leaned against the locker to form the optimal nodding position.

Jackie skated by Marcie. Marcie nodded to her. Jackie nodded back. Marcie hesitated...

"Hi, Jackie!"

"Oh, hi dude!" Jackie stopped skating and turned to Marcie. "...well, hi Marcie. See you in class."

"Marcie! You finally talked to her! What happened to waiting for the perfect time?"

"Well, I figured, if you have the time, why waste it? Looks like I'm finally getting somewheee... Hey, Star, does everything suddenly seem... stopped to you?"

"Oh... yeah. Jackie stopped skating, Ferguson and Alfonzo over there stopped using Ferguson's belly as a plaything, and Lars is no longer trying to get rid of his atomic wedgie. Huh, weird. Why do you think that happened... oh."

"Father Time?"

"Father Time."

The two of them went back to the Plains of Time to find Father Time playing in the mud with his time hamsters. "You guys really get me!" He patted a time hamster's side, and then looked up. "Uh... hi guys!"

* * *

_We finally got Father Time back on his wheel, but the hamsters kept driving it into mud and staying there. I guess Marcie and I will need to go and put him back all the time. Yaaaaay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week is our first double-length episode! There will be plenty more in the future, don't worry.
> 
> Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty: Star and Marcie go to Saint Olga's to break Lilacia out of the reform school.


	17. Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty: Star and Marcie go to Saint Olga's to break Lilacia out of the reform school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm a day late on posting this, whew. I don't really have an excuse, I just forgot.
> 
> Anyways, here's our first double-length episode! There will be plenty more in the future.

"So, here's your birthday treats! Happy birthday!" Star said, smiling awkwardly. "It's your favorite: glitter explosion cupcakes!" Star held up a tray of cupcakes to the magic mirror. They were indeed glittery, and the firecrackers on them made them plenty explosive.

"No birthday day dance?" Lilacia asked. "You feeling okay, Star?"

Star sweated. "Uh, right! Shoot, I forgot about that! Okay, I just called 'cause I have to say! Happy birthday on your birthday day! Haaaappy birthday on your birthday day!" She did a nice dance round, though it was a little subdued. "There."

"Nice! Okay, those cupcakes look so good. Thank you, B-fly! Uh, I – ah, I mean a princess, such as myself, could never tolerate such confections. But would you please donate them to the starving bartendens of Galafamor on my behalf?"

"Wha – Lilacia, did you bump your uni-horn again?"

"Girl, you know we can't receive packages here at Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty!"

"AAAAHHHH SAINT O'S SAINT O'S!!!" Star ran off so quickly that Lilacia couldn't see where she went. She looked around the room, past Star's secrets closet, past Star's giant clothing chest, past Star's legs kicking under the rug.

"B-fly, are you okay?"

"Sorry," Star stepped out from behind her chest. "I can't even stand to hear the name of that place. It's so... terrifying!"

"Oh, please, chill out, B-fly. I'm the one doing hard time here!"

"Yeah, I guess."

Lilacia grinned. "But if I weren't there, we could totally party it up! Rainbow tea at the Doawager room, sliding down the twisty slopes of Zala mountain, and then dancing all night long at the Bounce Lounge!"

Star smiled. "Yeah, that would be nice."

"Oh heck yeah, it would! Though, why am I the one doing all the party planning here? You've been very quiet today. What's going on, girl?"

"I dunno..." Star trailed off. 

"Hey, STAR!" 

Star jumped. "Oh! What? Lilacia?"

"And that's another thing, why are you calling me –" the sound of a door unlocking. Star's room didn't have locks, it was on Lilacia's end.

Lilacia snorted and whinnied in fear. "Oh no! I expressed my individuality and publicly showed an emotion! And that's my third strike! Oh no, oh please no no no, they're taking me to the solitary conformment chamber!" A guard muzzled Lilacia and dragged her away, and the connection cut off.

"Lilacia! Oh no! She... she doesn't deserve this!"

"Hey, Star! Ready to take out life's frustrations on some ill-intentioned monsters?" Marcie said, opening the door to Star's room.

"Marcie! We've gotta break out Lilacia."

"Lilacia? Well –"

"Yeah! They're sending her to a thing called the 'solitary conformment chamber!' You know, at Saint O's."

"Oh? I –"

"And I know you have your reasons to dislike her, I mean she did threaten to skewer you with her horn, or was it stomp you with her hooves, well, one of those things. But it was my fault she got in trouble, and we need to –"

"Star. Star. You had me at 'break out.'"

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah! I always wanted to break someone out of jail! And if Saint O's –"

"AAAAAHHHH SAINT O'S SAINT O'S!!!" Star ran off.

"Uh, we haven't even left yet!" Marcie said, looking to see where Star went. There was a clothing rack, her spiral staircase, and a pair of kicking legs under the rug.

Star popped out from behind the clothing rack. "Sorry. I just hate that place so much."

"Uh, what's that under your rug?"

"I have no idea. I just know one thing: never ever step on it."

Marcie giggled weakly. "So, anyways, if the-place-that-shall-not-be-named is as bad as Shinjai said it was, then we need to break her out."

"But that's the thing. No one's ever broken out before."

"Don't worry. I've seen every prison escape movie ever made. We only need three things: patience, brains, and the ever-famous multi-faceted... bobby pin."

"Or, we use the dimensional scissors to go straight to her cell and get her the heck out of there!"

They went with the second option, though Marcie kept the bobby pin.

* * *

Marcie stepped out of the pale blue portal. "Uh, this isn't Lilacia's cell."

"Really? I'm usually pretty accurate with these things. Weird –"

Star was cut off as a giant carriage pulled by warnicorns flew past them. It stopped in front of the looming walls of Saint Olga's and six people got off.

"Ah, yes, the newbies have arrived," a short, bald, and kinda ugly man with an eyepatch said, greeting the newbies at the door. "Welcome to Saint Olga's Reform School for Wayward Royalty."

Lightning flashed.

"AA – mff! Mmmff!" Marcie covered Star's mouth before she could give away their position.

"New arrivals?" Marcie asked rhetorically. "If we can just blend in somehow... all we need is a –"

"Radiant Shadow Transform!" Star transformed her outfit into a black and gray battle dress with a larger horned headband, an eye patch, and spiked boots. It did nothing to disguise her cheekmarks or her face, but the guards were really dumb. Hopefully they'd fail to recognize her.

"Whoa, do me! What'll I get? Maybe a guard's outfit, or a –"

"Radiant Shadow Transform!"

Marcie was wearing... she was wearing... a pink frilly dress. Pink was her least favorite color. At least her hair looked semi-decent, long and tied up in a ponytail. "Aw, come on! Couldn't you have given me literally anything else?"

"I dunno, it just comes out that way," Star said, shrugging. "But pink is definitely your color!"

The two of them snuck in with the other royalty and followed the ugly little man into the intimidating walls of the school. "Single file, all of you! Miss Heinous is ready to start the reformation process!" They traveled past the gate and into the school.

"Ahhh, Marcie!" 

"Try not to blow our cover!" Marcie responded, patting Star's back. All the same, Star nearly yelled out in panic when the giant gates closed behind them. Marcie had to cover Star's mouth and kept patting her back. "Sshh, shh, it's okay. We'll get out of this place. Don't worry."

And now, for a message from our sponsors! Uh... this can’t be right. What? They wanted ad space to allow us to use the title? Don’t you know I hate Saint O’s? Ugh, fine. Whatever

_"Don't allow your noble lineage to be thrown away! Here at the tried and trusted Saint Olga's (Ssssaaaiiiinnnttt Oooolllggaaaa'ssss), we have a plethora of foolproof security measures! We block dimensional scissors and restrain magic-users! (Schhhoooolll) and etiquette are the main focus for (fffooorrrr) your troubled wayward royalty! (Waaayyyywwaaaarrrrdddd roooyyyyaaallltttyyy). We turn undisciplined behavior into perfection! (Pppeeeerrrrfffeeecccttttiiiiooonnnn) That one-in-a-million, free-thinking brat will become a one-of-a-million emotionless rubber stamp that your bloodline can count on!"_

Aaand ad break over. Thank goodness.

Miss Heinous was everything Star had expected and quite a few things she hadn't: a strict-looking woman with dark brown hair yanked into a tight bun and a dismissive scowl. She wore a purple dress and a strange mechanical-looking device on her forehead. And here, standing in Miss Heinous's office with Marcie and the other "wayward" royalty, Star was terrified. She logically knew that Miss Heinous wasn't even in charge, that would be the reclusive Saint Olga, or course, but Star couldn't help but be intimidated by the scary-looking lady. 

The other royalty in the room ranged from one prince who was casually blowing a bubble with gum to a princess who was looking to escape to a duke who was quietly crying to Star, who looked like she was going to throw up. How did Star or Marcie know the titles of their fellow wayward royalty? They didn't. I was just telling you, the reader, directly from me, the omniscient narrator.

Marcie patted Star's back. "We're getting Lilacia back, I promise."

Star felt even worse.

"Every one of you is here for a reason," Miss Heinous said, stalking around the room. "Too wild. Too opinionated. Too... bubbly." She walked over to the prince who was blowing the bubble and stabbed out a thin pale finger. _Pop!_

"As part of a noble lineage, you don't have the luxury of being an individual! So by the time I'm done with you, you'll all be fixed. Every last one of you," she stalked up to Star, and lit her hand up blue. The device on her forehead also glowed. "Whether you're from Pixtopia or _Mewni._ " She tapped one of Star's cheekmarks. The blue aura made its way into Star's cheekmark and she felt frigid cold, as if she'd been frostbitten. "So Queen Moon finally sent her rebellious daughter to my institution? Excellent."

Alarms started blaring, but Heinous wasn't fazed. "The guards should have those alarms off in a few minutes. Don't worry about them, all is safe. They go off in the presence of magic, so if you have any hope of using it, it must be approved or everyone will know. You can keep your wands, even the Royal Magic Wand, young Butterfly. But there will be little magic use here, so don't worry about whether or not you'll be able to hone your craft. The answer is probably not."

"Okay, we can't use magic unless there's no other option," Marcie muttered. She squeezed Star's shoulder. "Remember, this'll be a piece of cake. We can definitely get out of this. We've got the dimensional scissors."

"And don't even think about trying to escape." As if the statement had reminded her, a princess beside Star got out a pair of dimensional scissors and started snipping. "Oh, are you trying to use your dimensional scissors to get out? Try it. See what happens."

The princess frowned, and snipped harder. Nothing was happening. "Wh-why isn't this working?"

"We have a Tramorfidian crystal in tower three. Straight from Hekapoo. No rift can sustain itself within our walls, so you might as well cough up those dimensional scissors you've smuggled in."

The other royalty sighed and dropped their dimensional scissors. Star moved to follow them, but Marcie stopped her. "Once we get Lilacia and disable that crystal, those are our ticket out of here!"

"That concludes your orientation. I'm sure you all will become perfect. One way, or another." Miss Heinous kept her eyes on Star. Star shuddered, remembering Miss Heinous's icy fingers on her cheek.

You know, not to wave my cane and shout "back in my day", but back in the old days, when things were... different, all reform schools like this in this side of the multiverse would "mysteriously" burn down. Usually everyone would be evacuated, but if a few headmasters or particularly cruel deans bit it in the inferno, well, the whole multiverse would be made better with their deaths. We could play with them in the afterlife, where they couldn't hurt anyone.

Miss Heinous's assistant, the ugly potato of a robot from earlier, tapped his clipboard. "Now, to get everyone checked in so we can start sucking the individuality out of you!"

The various royalty walked reluctantly after the tiny man. Marcie got an idea. "I heard the first one checked in gets their own room!"

The other royalty exclaimed and raced each other to the check-in point. "Respect the queue! Respect the queue!" shouted the little man – whose name was Gemini, in case you don't know, I don't think I've mentioned that yet. Guards ran to calm the stampeding aristocracy, while Star and Marcie snuck away.

"This place isn't what I thought –" Star was interrupted by Marcie pushing her to the side as a guard passed.

"I dunno, it doesn't seem that bad," Marcie replied, though she was mostly saying it to keep a brave face. She was plenty spooked. She grabbed Star and the two raced down the hall. "This breakout is going to be a piece of cake. It's just a prissy, extremely high-security finishing school. I understand if you're upset, this is your worst nightmare, after all, but I'm just not that intimidated."

"No, Marcie, it's worse than I thought. That lady, Heinous? She scared me."

"Eh, don't let them have power over you. They want you to be intimidated. You can't let them control you."

The two of them raced to the dormitories. Marcie looked inside a dorm, where a girl was dancing, like she was one of those puppets that's controlled by strings – a marionette! She was dancing like a marionette, all jerky movements and unnatural poses. Plus she was wearing a heavily padded dress, weighing her down and stifling her. "You know, this place has some seriously luxurious digs!"

"Marcie? Have you gone mad?!"

"Come on! Look at the intricate floral ornamentation on that armoire, the rich mahogany on that canopied bed. And there's enough velvet on the bedspread for me to swim in!" That's because Saint Olga's is rich, Marcie. Very rich off the suffering of many different people. In case you were wondering, eat the rich. It's very economic!

Star voiced what we were all thinking. "Don't you see what's going on here?"

"...dancing?" Marcie paused. "I get it, the place is kinda creepy, but it's really nice!"

"Ugh, let's just find P-sauce and get out of here. Shinjai didn't run away from here for this. Lilacia... she didn't get sent to the solitary conformment chamber for this."

They checked every room until they finally saw Lilacia's room. She was staring out of her window into the distance.

"There she is!" Marcie got out her bobby pin.

"Let's blow down this door so we can get her outta here!"

"No, we gotta do this quietly, without drawing any attention!" Marcie unlocked the door.

"I AM HERE 'CAUSE I HAVE TO SAY! HAPPY BIRTH –"

Marcie covered Star's mouth. "Do you want us to get caught?"

"Sorry. Hey, uh, Lilacia! It's us! We came to break you out so we can party!"

Lilacia Pegasus turned around. Her mane and tail were braided, her face powdered deathly white, her eyes were slightly too wide, and her face was frozen in a permanent, rather off-putting smile. It was really, really, I cannot stress this enough, creepy to see her like this. In a posh accent, she chuckled. "My deepest apologies, but I must abstain, as partying is for the unrefined."

"That's not the Lilacia I know! ...And love!"

"I got this," Marcie replied. "Hey Dumb-dumb, it's Earth Turd!"

Lilacia chuckled again. "Such language belongs in the gutters of Galafamor! Heh, heh, heh."

Star sighed. "Well, at least she'll be a better crown princess like this."

"No! I'm not giving up on her! Even she doesn't deserve this! Snap out of it, snap out of it!" Marcie slapped Lilacia's face.

Lilacia only laughed. Again. "Would you like some crumpets?"

"Marcie! Stop hitting her!" Marcie stopped. "And don't you see now, this is what they do to you here!"

"Okay," Marcie took a deep breath. "I admit this is creepy. But you can relax. Once we disable that crystal thing and get out of here, she'll finally be a benefit to society! Won't that be great!" Marcie was, admittedly, keeping calm so that Star didn't stress out, but she was doing a poor job of not stressing Star out, because Star was very stressed out. 

"Yeeeeaaahh," Star said weakly. "Uh, it'll be great! She'll be fine! Pfft, it'll be fine. Fine. Great. Now can we please get out of here?"

"Hold on," Marcie said, grabbing some items off the mantel of Lilacia's fireplace.

"What are you doing?"

"I saw this in a prison movie, 'Escape from Jail Mountain.' Trust me, it'll save our hides, just like it saved Hank Innocent." I didn't like that movie, to be perfectly honest with you, Marcie. Too unrealistic. But whatever floats your boat.

Marcie looked around outside the room before motioning Star to bring Lilacia along. "It's clear."

"Ooh, escaping is inappropriate. Guards, guards!"

"Ssshh!" Star shushed Lilacia. "Be quiet! We can't attract the – oh no, here comes some guards."

Lilacia continued to shout for the guards, but she didn't resist as Star pulled her along. She acted just like a puppet, moving to where Star told her.

Which was lucky, because she was a large, roughly one thousand pound horse.

"Hey, you! Stop!" Guards were definitely following them. They turned the corner and raced into a scene straight from a horror movie.

"Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please," was being repeated over and over by a room full of royalty. "Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please." All sitting bolt upright at tables. "Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please." They were all holding teacups. Obviously. "Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

You know, not all cultures consider it polite to keep your pinkies at ninety degrees. Some I've heard of consider it a mortal insult. But Saint Olga was never one for cultural appreciation. "Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

"This is worse than my worst nightmare," Star said, shuddering.

"Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

The guards almost caught up, but Star and Marcie ducked into the room and the guards stayed at the edge. "Hey! There's a lesson going on in this room! Escape somewhere else!"

"Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

Star and Marcie didn't listen to the guards, of course. They continued in and... "Marcie, does that lizard girl look familiar to you? I'm really bad with monster faces, but that looks like..."

"Shinjai!" Marcie's fragile optimism broke and she sank to the floor, poofy dress and all. "They got Shinjai. She didn't escape."

"Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

The guards were carefully stepping their way through the dazed and brainwashed royalty. "Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

Marcie was frozen in place. Star tugged her, but she didn't move. "Come on, Marcie, we have to get out of here! It isn't worth it! Let's go!"

"Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

Shinjai looked angry, but she still went along with the chant. "Keep your pinkies at ninety degrees, more tea please."

Marcie snapped. She stood up and snatched the teacup from Shinjai's hands and threw it on the floor. "It's not criminal to be an individual!" 

Hmm... a bit of a painful rhyme, but it was pretty good for something that was thought up on the fly. Good for her.

Shinjai blinked, and gaped her hands, where the cup used to be. "Star? _Marcie_? You're here?" Then she shook her head, stood up, and flipped her table. "It's not criminal to be an individual! Whoo! I've wanted to do that for ages!"

A pixie threw her cup at the guards next. "It's not criminal to be an individual!"

The chant spread through the room. "It's not criminal to be an individual!"

"Come on, that should buy us some time. Let's get out of here!" Star tugged Marcie who debated protesting that she didn't do it as a distraction, but the shoe fit, so she let it go.

Lilacia giggled monotonously. "Tee-hee hee. He got scalded."

"She's laughing at an authority figure! I think the real P-sauce is in there!"

* * *

"An uprising? In this institution?" Heinous tapped her fingers sharply on her desk. "Put Saint Olga's on full lock-down and find the... freethinker who initiated this. We will quell this uprising in its infancy! Quell... quell... is that right? Someone get a thesaurus!"

Back to Star and Marcie. They raced past a room full of guards, and more guards were on their tail. They ran into a hallway where guards were searching. "Wrong way!" They ran into another room and barricaded the door. Marcie sighed in relief. "We need to find someplace to hide!"

The guards burst into the room and saw Star's red-purple boots under the curtain. Thing was, Star wasn't wearing her red-purple boots, she was wearing a spiked black pair that fit with her disguise. So when they moved the curtain aside, all that was there was Star's boots. "Darn it."

* * *

The rebelling royalty were locked in their rooms. "We've _stifled_ the uprising, though a lizard girl bit off several guard's arms in the process. It was very, ah, incredible," Gemini said, walking to Miss Heinous. "Soon we will find the one responsible for this rebellion and _stifle_ them in the solitary conformment chamber! Here is our latest success story! The once wayward Princess Lilacia Pegasus has become a model student, reborn!"

Lilacia Pegasus could be seen gazing out the window. Miss Heinous stroked her cheek "Yes, I'm glad we _stifled_ the uprising. You know, "stifle" isn't working for me either. Prepare the chamber, I'm leading this hunt myself!"

Joke's on them. "Lilacia Pegasus" was a collection of items Marcie had stolen from the room. A watering can formed her head, a candle her horn, and a collection of blankets and mattresses her body. Amazing what people will overlook when they're not paying proper attention.

Back with the protagonists, Star and Marcie (and Lilacia, though she was more being dragged) ran from the guards into a large room. They stopped their desperate run briefly to gaze at the scenery. 

"What is this place?" Marcie asked, and she was reasonable in that question. This room had a lot of history. 

It was a giant circular room with twelve doors equidistant around the walls. The room's walls were decorated with terrifying monsters holding flaming swords, with pillars outlining them and reaching to the ceiling. The ceiling itself was decorated with an enormous spiral with symbols set along it. Marcie saw a flower, a diamond, a butterfly, a spade, a club, a compass rose, a star, a heart... and there, in the center of the spiral, was a key. 

"Strange..." Star said. "That heart is my symbol. And that diamond is my mom's. I wonder who the other symbols are?"

Dogs barked in the distance. "We gotta move!"

Star, Marcie, and Lilacia raced way, followed by Miss Heinous, who was holding the leash of some very wild and loudly barking dogs. "Run, run, run!"

"There!" Marcie pointed to a laundry chute. She opened the door and beckoned Star over. "Wait, will Lilacia fit?" 

"I got this!" Star aimed her wand, and Lilacia shrank down. The magic alarms blared. "Oh, no! Let's get out of here!" She jumped down the chute.

"I'll see you at the bottom," Marcie said, climbing into the chute. Then – "Gah! My poofy dress won't fit!"

Star was already out of sight, but her voice echoed through the chute. "Marcieeee! No!"

"Something's got my stockings! Whoa – agh!" Marcie frantically put a hand to her mouth as she was dragged out of the chute.

* * *

Star was screaming. Lilacia was cackling. They both were shooting down the chute. I guess that's why they call them chutes – eh? Eh? It's funny because 'chute' is pronounced like 'sho' – okay, I'll stop. Back to the story. They shot down the chute – heh – and landed in a pile of laundry.

"Marcie! Lilacia, you got to help me help her! I can't save her alone!"

LIlacia blinked, and shivered. "Brrr! A royal who misbehaves will be saved! In the solitary conformment chamber!"

Star sobbed. "Come on! Remember who you are! I liked you better that way."

* * *

Back with Marcie. She was clamped to a chair in a windowless room. Well, not entirely windowless – it had one of those mirrors that is also secretly a window, and Miss Heinous and her assistant were standing behind it. She fiddled with the dials on a massive control panel.

Well, Marcie wasn't going to just sit there. She spat out her bobby pin. Her hands were bolted to the chair, so she tried to unlock the cuffs with her mouth. And... the bobby pin fell out of her mouth and onto the floor, because we can't always have nice things.

A conical metal hat that was somewhere between a princess's pointy hat and a dunce cap descended from the ceiling and sat on Marcie's head. "Uh, nice hat? Right? I'm so confused." Then metal arms extended from the front of the hat and pried Marcie's eyes wide open. "Ugh, ow! Not cool! Not cooool!"

The screen in front of Marcie turned on, showing "A Lesson in Princess Etiquette with a Glance at the Improper: XXXVII Edition."

"Thirty-seven? You've got thirty-seven of these? That's frankly horrifying to consider. I wonder who you pay to write these things. Also, Princess Etiquette? How do you know I'm a princess? I could be a duchess or a baroness or something." Marcie was nearly in hysterics and the slideshow hadn't even begun. I could tell because Marcie talks a lot sometimes when she gets nervous. Or sometimes she doesn't talk at all. It depends on the situation.

"Your loud and brash demeanor will crumble soon," Heinous muttered. She was... miffed by Marcie's constant chattering. She flipped a switch.

The slide switched to a drawing of a woman with a very nice hat. A smooth but also distinctly annoying voice played through the speakers. "The proper hat for the event, lest you be a malcontent."

A woman playing tennis. "Everyone will admire the princess who does not perspire."

A man and a woman. "'Tis better to be fussy than to be called a hussy." Language, geez. I never thought a robotic annoying voice would be the one to skirt our language rules.

Marcie screamed. "MAKE IT STOP! AAUUGGGHH!"

"Tch, I can smell her free spirit through the safety glass. Full power!"

Gemini flipped a switch, and Marcie felt more than heard the really, really irritating voice increase in volume. She also felt an electric shock race through her body. Ouch.

"AAAAAGGGHHH!" See, she agrees with me! Ouch!

* * *

"So this is how it ends: on a cold checkered floor, by a pile of soiled laundry, wearing an eyepatch." Star laid down, face up, next to Lilacia, who was back to her original size and laying daintily on the floor.

Star lifted her head, moving her gaze from the floor to a poster on the wall. "Embrace a royal mentality, wash away your individuality'? Embrace this!" She leapt forward, grabbing a broom and whacking the poster. It did nothing, because hitting a paper with an object, no matter how heavy or how much force is behind it, isn't going to do much when said paper is attached to a wall.

Sorry, did I ruin the mood with my discussion of paper and its properties when attached to a wall? My apologies. It's a very sad scene, and you should be sad.

Star continued to beat the wall with the broom, but when the poster remained intact she slowly collapsed to the ground. "Augh... I'm sorry Marcie. I'm sorry... P-sauce. I'm sorry I couldn't get you out."

Lilacia stared at Star, and then at the poster. Her brainwashing still held, but one thing still shone through: Lilacia didn't want Star to be unhappy. And she hated seeing her cry.

So she tentatively stabbed the poster with her horn, and then, when it parted under her very sharp head-stick, she moved her head, and it ripped. Lilacia was surprised to find herself laughing.

Laughing was a nice sensation. She wanted to feel that sensation again. So she ripped the paper again. "Heh heh heh!" And again. "Heh - ha ha ha!" And again. "Oh yeah! That feels so good!" She shook her mane out and dunked her head in a nearby bucket of water, removing her makeup. 

"P-sauce! You're back!"

"Oh, don't you know it, girl! Now let's go destroy something else! I don't even care what it is! Let's go!"

A scream echoed down the hallway.

"Wait, I'd recognize that high-pitched scream anywhere. That's Earth Turd!"

"Heinous got her."

"Well, what are we waiting for? Isn't she your best bestie?"

"Yeah!"

"On Earth. I'm still your best bestie overall, right?"

"Come on! Towards those screams!”

"That really didn't answer my question, but let's go!"

They raced through the halls of Saint O's, following the sound of Marcie's screams. They finally stopped at a vent. "Open it up!"

Lilacia spun her horn like a drill and unscrewed the vent cover. "Shrink me down and let's go!"

Star did so, and the two of them raced through the vent. "Keep screaming, Marcie! We're coming!"

Meanwhile, in the solitary conformment chamber, Marcie was still being forced to stare at the slideshow. The really irritating voice continued to play. "Auuggghh – proper throne posture – AAUUUGGHH!"

"Yes!" Miss Heinous said, from behind the safety glass. "We are extinguishing that rebellious spirit!"

Star then blasted off the vent cover. "I'm blasting you out of here, Marcie, you cool with that?"

"Whaa – I knew I shouldn't have let her keep that wand!" Heinous gasped out.

Star grew Lilacia into her original size, and the alicorn smashed the safety glass. "Hey, Marcie, I just used magic. There goes the magic alarms, whoops. But I think they already know where I am." She blasted the cuffs off Marcie and transformed the hat into a snail. "Aww, cute. Anyways, Lilacia, come back here!" 

Lilacia turned from where she was threatening to step on Miss Heinous and Gemini. "Oh, sure B-fly. Let's do this!"

"Will they let me keep the dress?" Marcie asked, disoriented.

Star hoisted Marcie onto Lilacia's back and got on herself. She wasn't used to riding without a saddle, but Lilacia moved her wings to keep them both steady. 

Meanwhile, Miss Heinous found herself trembling. She gasped in horror. "My royal grace! I can't be afraid, I'm Miss Heinous!" She raced to the solitary conformment chamber, sitting in the chair and holding her eyes open. "A princess always maintains her poise!"

Meanwhile, Gemini curled up on the floor, shaking. He'll be fine. Don't worry.

* * *

"I'm glad you're back to normal, by the way," Marcie said to Lilacia. "You were really creepy when you were brainwashed."

"Aw, you too. Now I can make fun of your ugly dress!"

"It is hideous, isn't it?" They both laughed. Lilacia trotted through the dorms.

"It's not criminal to be an individual!" Shinjai was chanting and banging a teacup on the bars of her window. She was joined by a prince and then a duke, and then more and more royalty.

"Man, I can't believe it, but you sure worked some turd magic on these guys. They are in it!"

"Yeah, you really started something." Star gazed at Shinjai, smiling and waving. "Hey, Shinjai!"

"Shin-who?" Lilacia asked.

"P-sauce, this is Shinjai. Shinjai, this is Lilacia Pegasus. She's... my best bestie on Mewni."

"Hi Lilacky, could you get me out of here?"

"Yeah, I bet Star could work some magic on it."

Marcie got off Lilacia. "Blast her out, but don't stop there. Our work is not done." Marcie raised her voice. "My fellow wayward siblings! Let me show you the way! They want you to be a rubber stamp princess! Well, I say we stamp on them!"

* * *

Where were you when the rampaging royals attacked? The guards were sitting around, pretending to drink tea. 

They came on the guards like a large metal pole on a car crash victim: fast, unstoppable, and very, very pointy. The prince from earlier in the story, you know the one, blew bubbles in the guards' faces. A pixie used her magic. A minotaur used their club-like tail. In short, everyone used the abilities Saint Olga's had tried to repress in them to destroy Saint Olga's as everyone knew it. Poetic.

Star raced forward and aimed her wand at Tower Three, the one with the Tramorfidian crystal in it. Don't worry if you forgot what that is, I nearly did too. It's the crystal that blocks dimensional rifts. Point is, Star aimed her wand, cast her spell, and took down the tower. It fell backward and hit the ground with an earth shattering crash. and the crystal inside exploded with bursts of colorful light.

It almost looked like fireworks.

The rebel royalty shared my thoughts, as they began to dance together, celebrating their victory over the dead corpses of the guards. Don't worry, they were robots.

Actually, do worry. Just because they were robots didn't mean they didn't have souls, families of choice, or lives.

Actually, don't worry. They spent every day torturing children.

It was a very nice dance party. Marcie, Lilacia, and Shinjai were about to join the party when Star opened a portal with the dimensional scissors. "Let's get outta here! If we hurry, we can still catch DJ Jump-Jump's set at the Bounce Lounge!"

"Girl, I'm not going nowhere! The Bounce Lounge hasn't got anything like this party!

"But... it's your birthday day!"

"And you gave me the best gift ever! It's called getting me my groove back! See? It's back, baby!"

Star smiled. "Uh... hugs?"

The two embraced.

"I'm not leaving either," Shinjai said, crossing her arms. "This is incredible, and I need to stick around to make sure it lasts."

"Okay, Shinjai. I'm not gonna try to change your mind, because I know it's not gonna change."

"You're right about that!"

The quartet laughed. Then a pair of guards charged at them and they moved as a well-oiled machine to take them down.

"Wow, we fight well, together!" Shinjai grinned as she punched a guard. Without even being asked, Marcie kicked the same spot and the robot fell apart.

Star blasted Lilacia with a growth spell, and the giant alicorn stomped the other guard to pieces. "Boom!"

"Yeah!"

"Good job, guys!" Marcie said, raising her hand for a high five. She got several high fives, all at once. It was very crowded, but it worked.

"So you really want to stay here?" Star said to Lilacia. "You're really sure?"

"Yeah, I gotta make sure what happened to me never happens to anyone else. Right, Princess Turdina?"

"Get on with your bad self, my wayward sister!"

Shinjai grinned. "Looks like I get a partner. Hey, you wanna go bite some guards in the face with me?"

"Heck yes!"

"Bite one for me!" Marcie shouted, waving as the pair walked off to find some guards.

"Okay, Marcie, I conquered my biggest fear and grew as a person, yadayadayada, now let's get out of here and never come back!"

* * *

"If your elbows are on the table, you belong in a stable," Miss Heinous recited. She relaxed, her muscles losing the tenseness they had held for so long. The solitary conformment chamber really brought out the best in her, for a twisted value of "best."

"Miss Heinous?" a voice called. Miss Heinous's eye widened and she turned towards the voice. In the control room, a secret door opened. Miss Heinous jumped, and raced into the control room. "Saint Olga! I'm so sorry. The Butterfly princess, she cast some spells, and then my composure broke, so I had to fix it! I don't know what happened, I swear!"

The robotic "Saint" Olga raised a hand. "I suppose it's good that the Butterfly girl got away. Our charge has been reacting strangely to her magical aura. Now, do you have anything of the rebel princesses' belongings? Something we could use to track them down and deal with them later?"

Miss Heinous looked around. "...Why, yes! This... bobby pin!" She picked up the pin that Marcie had dropped earlier. "It belonged to that awful rebel princess! What do we do with it?"

Saint Olga took the bobby pin from Heinous's hands. "We use it. Come with me."

Miss Heinous followed the robot through the secret control room door. The two walked through a long hallway and into a large room. The room was mostly taken up by a giant blue crystal, inside of which was the faint silhouette of a person, probably human, but also possessing a tail.

In the portion of the room not containing the crystal, there was an alchemy stand and a bookcase, the latter of which Saint Olga headed towards. She selected a book entitled "Black Metallurgy and Ores of the Multiverse" and moved to the alchemy stand. Mixing a few select ingredients, she opened the book. Then she placed the bobby pin inside the bubbling concoction. The concoction changed color.

"Green... that means it came from the Earth dimension. A pity, since the Earth dimension is one of the biggest ones out there. Finding one princess could be... challenging."

"Leave it to me, Saint Olga! I will find the rebel-rousers responsible for this and annihilate them! Annihilate...! That's the verb I've been searching for!"

"Ahem... What, Miss Heinous, are you referring to?"

"Oh, nothing, just an expression of mine, Saint Olga."

While Miss Heinous was speaking, I invite you to imagine that the panoramic camera that is your mind pans upwards, to the girl in the crystal. It is a girl, most likely, and she is perfectly still, as only someone trapped in suffocating layers of crystal can be.

She does not move. She does not speak. But her cheeks... her cheeks have marks on them. Marks on them in the shape of clubs.

They glow. 

* * *

_I so, so hate Saint Olga’s! It’s awful. Now, to write a three page essay on how awful it is –_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up:
> 
> Getting Groceries: Star and Marcie are trapped in a grocery store while Ludo and Toffee's forces attack.
> 
> Mewnipendence Day: Mewnipendance Day happens and Star wants to celebrate it. Meanwhile, Ludo spies on Star and Toffee is not amused.


	18. Getting Groceries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star and Marcie are trapped in a grocery store while Ludo and Toffee's forces attack.

Buff Frog walked out of a meeting with Ludo. Star was with her bodyguard, the karate girl Marcie. And they were 'getting groceries', whatever that meant. Ludo had quavered and said that that sounded dangerous. 

And that would've been the end of it, but Toffee had spoken up and said that they believed that "getting groceries" was a human thing where they went and got food and brought it back to their castles. And then Ludo sighed in relief and then dismissed Buff Frog.

So Buff Frog walked the corridors on his way back to the break room. But someone blocked his way there.

"Toffee? How did you –" Buff Frog looked back at the door to Ludo's throne room. It was closed.

"I would like to speak with you. Walk with me." Toffee started walking, and Buff Frog followed them. Buff Frog couldn't help but notice that Toffee was taking him not to the break room, but deeper into the depths of the castle.

"Um..."

"Buff Frog. Is that your real name?"

"Well, no, but... why you asking?"

"No reason. Tell me, why do you call Ludo 'master'?"

"Because he is my master, of course. He save me from swamp. And give me pants."

"Really."

"Yes really, why you asking me this?"

"I'm just wondering. Does Ludo insist on you calling him 'Master?'"

"Uh, kind of? He doesn't like it when I salute, but he likes... he likes to be in charge. It's his right, he is king of us monsters."

"Oh? And he's the rightful king, of course." Toffee inclined their head. _Best not to push too hard. This is a delicate process._

"Yes? That is not question."

"And what if I told you that Ludo's family came into power through... less than exemplary means?"

"I would tell you that you are lying! Ludo is... well, not honorable, exactly, but very good leader! Well, I mean, he... he gives me food. And he rescue me from a life in swamp. And give me pants."

"Hm. Well, I have an idea, one that I'd like to share with Ludo. Would you like to do the honors?"

"What are you meaning?"

"I have an idea, to tell to Ludo. Would you like me to share it with you? We can say it was your idea. You would win favor with Ludo if it succeeds."

"No! Ludo does not hire me to have ideas! That... that is your job. And why are you so concerned with me getting 'favor' from Ludo? Shouldn't you be wanting it yourself?" Buff Frog squinted suspiciously.

"Not really. Ludo is... many things, but he is not someone I'm particularly interested in having favor from. I'm not doing this for money, or power, or infamy. I could do with less of that last part, to be honest."

"I do not do this for money, or power, or infa – whatever it is, either."

"Oh?"

"I do this because I am loyal to Ludo. He rescue me from swamp, and give me pants. He is my leader, and I follow him. Serving him is own reward."

"And what if you were to no longer serve him?" Toffee muttered under their breath.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. You are dismissed."

Buff Frog blinked, and found that they were, in fact, at the entrance to the break room. Buff Frog blinked again, and walked in, throwing a suspicious glance at Toffee over his shoulder.

Toffee was unperturbed, and walked up to Three-Eyed Potato Baby, saying something to them. 

Buff Frog had a really bad feeling about this. He set his face and turned back to the throne room. "Ludo will hear about this."

* * *

"SooooOOooo... what are we doing?" Star and Marcie were walking on the sidewalk towards the busy end of town.

"Grocery shopping, the grocery store isn't far from here. I have my list right here, and I am not going to lose it. Look, it's pinned right to my magical vacuum."

"Yeah, definitely. Hey, you've taken to carrying that thing everywhere recently. What's up with that?"

"Well, I've been thinking..."

"Always good time."

"What?"

"Oh, sorry, was it 'always a good thing'? My mother always says something when people say that, unless she's being really polite."

"Say what?"

"You know, 'I've been thinking'. She says it to me a lot. But I can't remember what she says."

Marcie blinked. "Okay... Anyways, I was thinking, you've got your wand, but I don't have my own weapon. What am I supposed to use against Ludo's monsters?"

"Uh, your fists?"

"Yeah, but I want a weapon. Something cool, something special."

"I've got, like, a hundred magic swords in my room."

"No, I want something that's more 'me'. Something I can truly call my own."

"It's powered using my mirror charger."

"Yeah, but it's my mini-vac! I bought it using my hard-earned allowance money. So there, it's mostly mine."

"Yeah, okay. So when are we getting to that 'grocery store?'"

"Only a few more blocks."

"Also, what are groceries?"

"They're, you know, food. You go to the store and buy food."

"Really? That's what Earthlings do? I thought that all food just appeared in the pantry when you needed it. Going to the store and buying food just sounds wrong somehow."

"You really think food just appears somewhere? That's not how things work anywhere, Star."

"You never know, it could be how things work on Mewni!"

"Yeah, but is it? Really?"

"I... never really checked. The royal servants just bring us food."

"Yeah, thought so. Good thing I'm here to keep you grounded, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess. Hey, how long is the walk going to take? And are we going to need to carry the food back?"

"Oh yes we are. It'll build character. And muscles! I'm going to get so much muscles from this."

"Ugh. I'm a spellcaster. I don't need muscles."

"Yeah, but would you rather have Dad's famed leftover leftover leftovers?"

They both shuddered, but Star shuddered thoughtfully, if it is possible to shudder thoughtfully. "So that's why we have leftovers. I thought it was weird that we would have leftovers if everything was appearing in the pantry. I thought your dad had something against food waste or something."

"Well, he does, but yeah, the fact that we have to go to the grocery store kinda makes him not want to eat anything but leftovers. Hey, wait, the grocery store is right here." She gestured to an ordinary-looking store. The most ordinary things can bear witness to extraordinary events.

The inside of the store was even more ordinary, with only one checkout line at the door. But Marcie and the Diaz family had been going to this store for ages, so it was like coming home, in a very strange way. "Alright, the first item on our list is... bread. Let's go get this bread."

After a few items had been crossed off the list, Star sighed. "This is kinda boring. Get the thing, put it in the cart. Get the thing, put it in the cart. I want grocery shopping to be more than this. I want... _something_ more."

"Ah, Star Butterfly. We meet again."

"Oh hey Ludo. Now, that's more my speed, but not quite _something_ enough. Battles with you are becoming kinda... routine."

"Uh – uh, routine? ROUTINE?! I'll show you who's routine! Everyone attack!"

Star readied her wand Marcie readied her magical mini-vac.

Star leapt forward and yelled out something appropriately magical. She did everything necessary to create a spell, only... her wand beeped, and a red cross appeared with an error noise.

"What? What's with this thing?" Star asked, dodging a swing from Buff Frog. She shook her wand. "Ugh, Raspberry Hyper Storm!" Annoying error beep. "Narwhal Blast!" Beep. "Mega Cider Megatsunami!" Beep. "Nothing!" Beep. These beeps have gotten annoying already and you can't even hear them. Blast it. Beep.

"See? You've got plenty of 'something' right here! Let's get her!" Ludo cackled with delight. He then watched all of the monsters attack her. There was nothing "let's" about this whole operation, that was for sure.

The monsters leapt forward with gusto. Star and Marcie ran towards the back of the store. Behind them, Toffee walked into the store. holding a glowing crystal. "Ludo. Is the crystal working?"

"Yes! She didn't know what hit her! This was a brilliant idea! Good thing I thought of it, right?"

"If I recall correctly, I was the one who thought of it." Toffee said, in a moderately gentle tone that nonetheless had some steel behind it. Which Ludo was unable to detect, the poor bird man had as much of a head for subtlety as your average concussed giraffe.

"Whatever. Yeah, whatever. Anyways, we should be GETTING THE WAND! Charge!" Ludo ran to where the fighting was thickest, and then hovered at the edge of it, waiting for his minions to come get it for him.

Toffee didn't follow Ludo. They just sighed and tapped the metal bands they kept around their horns. The bands were etched with two lines that intersected in their middle, creating a very simplified compass rose, or a star, or the shape the priest thinks is a cross that he smudges on your forehead on Ash Wednesday. 

When Toffee tapped them, they glowed green and a gold bar came out of them. "For your troubles," they said, placing the bar the front checkout lane.

"Whoa, is that real gold?" The person manning the front desk was a short human who got paid minimum wage and hadn't seen anything more luxurious than a can of ramen and a tiny apartment building in... well, ever.

"Yes. It's practically worthless on Mewni. They don't appreciate things that can't be used to 'smash good.' But I hope it can pay for the damages." A crash echoed from somewhere in the depths of the store. "On second thought..." They tapped their horn band again, and placed another gold bar next to the first. And then they tapped the band again and handed a gold bar directly to the cashier. "And your tip, of course."

"T-thank you, uh, Mix."

"No problem." They wandered towards the fight, which seemed to be intensifying. They sighed, and walked into the aisle immediately to the right of the main fight, and waited.

* * *

"Augh," Marcie whimpered non-committedly. She and Star were barricaded behind some grocery carts. "This sucks."

"Yeah, it definitely does. My wand sure isn't working! Let me check under the hood." Star flipped up the face of the wand, revealing a white unicorn with a bright pink mane running on a treadmill. Said unicorn was nearly covered up by a red X. Star sighed, and looked around. "Doesn't this place have a back entrance or something? We need to get out of here."

"Do we?"

"What?" Star blinked, in the manner one does when something one accepted as fact is challenged.

"I still have my karate, and you still have your Mewnian moves. And something has to be causing this... magic block. It reminds me of..."

"Pixtopia! So we need to look for a magic blocking crystal. They were all over the place in Pixtopia, but they'll stick out like a sore thumb here on Earth! We need to find the crystal and destroy it!"

"Yeah, and either Ludo or his minions will be carrying it. Either Ludo or someone Ludo trusts to carry it. Probably someone a level above his normal minions, better than them."

"Buff Frog." I mean, good guess, but wrong. Ludo wouldn't trust Buff Frog with something like this. A pity, trusting Buff Frog would do him some good.

"I'll get Buff Frog you get Ludo. Got it?" Star held out a fist.

"Yeah!" Marcie fist-bumped Star.

"You know we can hear you guys talking? You are hiding in a grocery cart." That was the right head of the conjoined monster. He always had to ruin the party.

"Yeah, what'cha gonna do about it?" Star leapt out from behind the grocery cart and tackled Buff Frog. Every monster rushed to save their fallen comrade.

Marcie leapt out too, and chased after Ludo. Ludo ran as fast as his tiny little legs could carry him, which wasn't very fast. "Heeelp meee!"

The two enemies raced into the next aisle. The aisle directly to the right of the main battle, in fact.

"Toffee! Protect meeee!" Ludo flew behind Toffee's back and clung to their tail.

Toffee looked up from the book they were reading. Some title on Mewnian history or something, not a particularly interesting read, but you want as many perspectives as possible in your research.

Toffee looked up, and fixed Marcie with an even, disinterested look. This unexpected reaction towards someone charging towards them with the intent to at least severely maim was enough to stop Marcie in her tracks.

"Wha – who are you?"

"Toffee." It was simply stated, and was stated in a way that also managed to say "you're outclassed, buddy" quite clearly. Toffee put a bookmark in their book, and closed it.

"Well... I'm looking for a crystal. A crystal... like the one you're holding. Yes, I'll be destroying that."

Toffee sighed, and tapped their chin. "I suppose we're doing this," they said.

"Yeah, we are!" Marcie shouted, jumping forwards. Toffee simply dodged. Marcie over-corrected and fell over. "Ow."

Marcie got up quickly and dodged Toffee's lazy swing towards her. She punched towards them, only for them to step back and out of her swing radius. Marcie was forced to move forwards, which was what Toffee was expecting.

Toffee dodged Marcie's swing, and then used her momentum to push her into the end of the grocery isles. Marcie landed hard, and whimpered.

"Marcie!" Star shouted, racing towards her, only to be tackled by the other monsters. "Get off me!" she shouted, struggling against their weight.

Marcie groaned, and struggled to move her arms and legs into a crouching position.

Toffee stepped forward, but only enough to still be out of sight of Star. Star struggled even harder, frustrated at her lack of ability to do anything or even see how Ludo was kicking Marcie's butt. Then she heard a voice that was definitely not Ludo.

"You put too much of your weight into your swings. It's disappointingly easy to set you off balance. I expected better from you."

Marcie blinked. Was her opponent... _giving her fighting advice?_ And Marcie was _listening_ to it? She felt – Marcie struggled to form thoughts clearly. _Why-why do their words hurt so much? I don't know them, I shouldn't care what they think. Don't care, don't care!_

_Ugh, I really do care. I feel like I'm... less compared to Star, and I feel like I can't do anything when compared to her. Okay. How do I work with that?_

"Ahahaha!" Ludo let go of Toffee's tail, and walked over to Star. "The wand is mine!" He snatched the wand from Star's grip. "Death ray!" Annoying beep. "Death ray!!" Beep. "Death raaaayyyy!!!" Beep. This thing is useless! Ugh!" He tossed it over his shoulder. It landed close to Marcie and she saw her chance.

Toffee sighed, rolled their eyes, and smiled. Ludo was quite reliable, in his own way. 

Marcie sort of – scooted forward and grabbed Star's wand. The wand let out another beep, but Marcie paid it no heed. Then she grabbed something else – her mini-vac. "Take this!" she yelled, throwing the mini-vac at Toffee. It hit the hand that was holding the blocking crystal. Said hand was missing a finger. I find it necessary to remind you of this multiple times.

The mini-vac hit Toffee directly on the back of their hand, and they let go of the crystal. Those things weren’t entirely related. The crystal shattered on the floor.

"Star! Catch!" Marcie tossed the wand to Star, and she caught it. A couple narwhal blasts later, and the monsters were off of Star and running. Marcie turned towards Toffee, fists at the ready, only to find them gone. The mini-vac was alone in the aisle.

"Huh." Marcie said, picking up the vacuum. "They just left."

"Forces of Evil, Marcie, I thought we were goners! You really saved my butt!"

"Thanks, Star, it was no problem. You know, I think I really learned something... want to continue grocery shopping? I think our cart is still open."

"...yeah. Sure."

"Hey, Star?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you say 'Forces of Evil' as an... expletive? Are the Forces of Evil important or something?"

"Well, it's a long story."

"We've got a long grocery list."

"Yeah, well... I don't know everything, but the Forces of Evil are kinda a big thing. Monsters say they're working for the Forces of Evil when they try to overthrow our government, everyone says 'Forces of Evil' when they're feeling intense emotions. Stuff like that. And... weeeelllllll...."

"Well what?"

"UuuuUUuhhh..."

"Star. What is it?"

"I'm prophesied to beat the Forces of Evil during my reign. As queen. I think."

"Wait, there's a _prophecy_?"

"Well, more of a foretelling. Basically, Glossaryck took one look at little baby me and said that I would beat the Forces of Evil."

"What exactly did he say?"

"What?"

"There's always exact words to this kind of thing. You want to know exactly what Glossaryck said and all the ways it can come true weirdly."

"Well... uh, I'll ask Mom to make sure, but I think it was 'the Forces of Evil will die because of her' or something really close to that. Basically, I'm great, and the Forces of Evil better know it."

"Hmm... well, that doesn't guarantee that you yourself kill the Forces of Evil. You could accidentally trip over something or something dumb like that and that leads to a chain of events that leads to someone completely different vanquishing the Forces of Evil. Or you could die in battle against the Forces of Evil. The prophecy didn't say that you survive."

"Gee, thanks, Marcie. That makes me feel so much better about being destined. I know I shouldn't have told you. You overthink things way too much."

"Hey, I'm trying to help you. Sorry if I overstepped, but I'm genuinely trying to help you with your destiny."

"I don't need help with my destiny! I don't want the fact that I have a destiny to come between us! I don't really care about what my destiny is, that's way in the future and I don't need to worry about it now."

"Okay... I guess I'll just... pretend I'm not interested."

"Good."

"Good!"

The two of them faced the opposite direction and crossed their arms in unison. Five... four... three... two... one...

"...I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too... Look, if you want to look for ways my prophecy comes true, go ahead, just... don't make it come between us, okay? So many people get all weird about me being destined to defeat some weird magical force of nature. It kinda sucks."

"Yeah, I guess I get that. So... you wanna ride in the grocery cart?"

"Heck yes I do!"

* * *

Buff Frog stood before Ludo. 

"...and they ask me, 'would you like to do the honors,' like you hire me to think! They are out of control! And they failed this mission! Technically it was kinda your fault for dropping the wand, but..."

"Hmm..." Ludo fiddled with one of the many pillows he stacked on his chair to make him feel tall. "Mmhmm."

"Ludo! You must trust me! Toffee is not helping you! They are plotting against you! You have to believe me!"

"Really." Toffee said.

"What?! You were not here! I checked!"

"Nope, they've been in here the whole time!" Ludo said.

" _What_?"

"Yvgeny. That is your real name, correct?"

"...yeeeess?"

"I was simply checking your loyalty to Ludo. He has recently wondered if the monsters of this castle were conspiring against him. Of course, every single one of them proved to be completely dedicated to Ludo's cause." Liiiaar!

"Really?"

"Of course." Toffee smiled. Baring your sharp, spearlike teeth was not a sign of cheer among septarians, and Buff Frog knew that.

He started sweating. "Ludo... are you sure you believe them?"

"Yes, of course! Now get out of here. Toffee and I have much to discuss, and I don't hire you to think! Out, out!"

Buff Frog sighed, and walked out of the throne room. He glanced back at Toffee, standing at equal height to Ludo, but, really, only because the little bird man had pillows stacked under him. Pathetic.

The doors slammed shut behind Buff Frog. "This... this all wrong."

* * *

_Marcie knows about my magical destiny now. I hope it doesn't make her go all weird. Lots of people go all weird when I tell them about the prophecy. Tom did. It's why I liked Lilacia so much. Don't tell her, but I liked that she was okay with my destiny more than because I actually liked her personality. I hope Marcie will only endlessly theorize about how the prophecy can come true in unexpected ways and not treat me like I'm royalty or something._

_Oh, and by the way, there's a new monster in Ludo's crowd. I didn't actually see them, but Marcie says they're a lizard person, like Shinjai. And Ludo trusted them enough to let them hold a really important item for him. So I guess they're probably important._

Oh, Star, you don't even know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm kind of nervous about including a prophecy in this story, because I generally don't like prophecies, but I think this story needs it. It'll get deconstructed, don't worry.


	19. Mewnipendence Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mewnipendance Day happens and Star wants to celebrate it. Meanwhile, Ludo spies on Star and Toffee is not amused.

Buff Frog did not consider himself an important player on the world stage. He was a minion, pure and simple. He didn't do anything glamorous, in fact, spying on your boss's enemy – a teenager – and then entirely failing to steal a wand from said enemy – again, a teenager – was the opposite of glamorous. But the point was, he didn't claim it was a good job, but he had a job. And he rather liked doing it. So when a giant eyeball flew past his perch on a tree outside the Diaz household, he was suspicious. He would have to report this to Ludo.

* * *

Star tapped her sword – she was carrying one, a rather unique specimen made out of fine silver with several large purple gemstones embedded in it – on the ground and yelled for quiet.

"Okay, quiet everyone! QUIET! There. Now, I assume you all brought your swords." Star was addressing the crowd, which contained Marcie, Ms. Skullnick, Janna, Alfonzo and Ferguson, Marcie's karate teacher, Sensei Brantley, Star's obsessed fangirl, StarFan13, and two randos named Ed and Francis.

"Uh... what?" Marcie asked, summarizing the group's sentiments very well.

Star dropped the sword. It was an ornamental variety, as evidenced by the multitude of gemstones, and as such it kinda chipped when she dropped it. But Star didn't care, it was hardly her favorite or only magical sword. "It said on the invitation you were supposed to bring a sword."

"I was a little confused about your invitation," Ed said. No one cares, Ed, even if he was echoing the sentiments of most of the crowd.

"I was not confused," Miss Skullnick growled, snatching the invitation from Ed. "This is clearly a drawing of meat. I came for the meat."

"I think everyone is just wondering why they're here," said Marcie, getting us nicely to the point. Thank you, Marcie."

"Uh, it's the thirty-seventh of Gravnogk? Mewnipendence Day?"

Silence. In the distance, a lone cricket chirped.

Star sighed, and walked off screen. Various crashes and thuds echoed through the Diaz household and then Star came back with a nice, childish-looking picture book. "A looong time ago arrived the first settlers of Mewni. A modest people, with noble pursuits: Life, Liberty, and Corn. But the wicked monsters rose up and attacked the innocent mewmans to re-steal Mewni for themselves. So the queen used her magic to turn the simple peasants into a fearsome army! And then there was fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting –" at this, Star flipped several pages repeatedly, not explaining any of them "– and the mewmans won! Hooray!"

I'm literally dying. We all are. But seriously, inaccurate information... pains me. And this is all inaccurate. So very inaccurate.

"But you just blew past all the important stuff!" Thank you again, Marcie. The "fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting" part was critically important. It's not something that you can just breeze past. Perhaps if Star hadn't breezed past it, she would have learned something. Even the watered-down, childish version is still... educational. It would tell you... a lot.

"When do we eat?!" Miss Skullnick near-shouted. No thank you, Miss Skullnick. Don't interrupt Marcie's quest for the truth.

"We feast after we reenact THE GREAT MONSTER MASSACRE!" Star gave her best evil grin and cackled. "Now, please split into two teams: Monsters, and Mewmans."

Miss Skullnick raised her hand. "Can I be a mewman?"

"No, you are a monster. That's why you were invited."

Miss Skullnick grumbled something about always having to be the monster and stomped over to the "Monster" side of the room. The other people chose their sides, except Marcie, who was stopped by Star. "You get to be my general."

"...great."

Everyone picked their sides. Star surveyed the troops. "Lookin' pretty good." She raised her wand. "Now we can start making costumes and after that THE BLOODY BATTLE CAN COMMENCE!"

Marcie raised her hand.

"YES, MARCIE!"

"What's that?" Marcie pointed to the floating eye seen in the beginning of this chapter. You know, the one Buff Frog went to warn Ludo about.

"Oh, that's the All-Seeing Eye. It follows you around all day."

"It's staring at me..."

"Don't worry, it's just here to remind the monsters that the royal family is always watching. It's not actually watching you though," Star giggled. "That would be weird." She tapped the eye's pupil.

Ludo watched Star tap the All-Seeing Eye. "This is amazing! She thinks it's the All-Seeing Eye but it's not!"

Toffee briefly thought about all the hard work and patience they had needed to replace the real All-Seeing Eye with a fake one that Ludo could use. But this was not a story about that particular heist, and they understood that. So they just nodded. "It's the most efficient way to spy on your enemies."

Ludo cackled. "I can see her pores! What secrets lie beneath?"

Buff Frog marched into Ludo's castle and did his salute. "Ludo! Master!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look at this! Now we can watch Star wherever she goes! In the kitchen, bedroom, even in the bathroom!"

Toffee and Buff Frog shared one of those inexplicable moments when two people who hate each other are suddenly on the exact same wavelength. "Uuhhh..."

"Maybe we don't keep the bathroom channel." Thank the stars.

"But Ludo!" Buff Frog said, coming forward. "This eye has only one eye! I have two eyes! That's twice the number of the eyes!"

Ludo thoroughly ignored Buff Frog. "Now that you don't have any spying stuff to do, you should get us some popcorn and milkshakes. I'm pretty sure we're gonna binge-watch this baby all night. You can join us if you want, as long as you keep quiet and stay in the back."

Buff Frog sighed and walked away. Toffee's eyes lingered on the exiting frog.

Ludo didn't notice, he was too busy giggling about being able to spy on Star. "She doesn't even know we're watching her! With Buff Frog, there was always this, ugh, understanding between us. But now I can watch her and she doesn't even know!"

"Sometimes your greatest threat is right underneath your nose." Wow, laying it on a little thick, Toffee. Don't get too metaphorical, Ludo might not be able to keep up with you.

Ludo wasn't able to keep up. He grinned and gestured to his face. "My nose is in my beak."

"Mm-hmm." Toffee resisted the urge to roll their eyes. Ludo made this so easy.

* * *

Star had her hair up. That was probably the first bad sign. Nothing good or simple happens when Star has her hair up. Her queen dress was fairly nice, though.

She was poking Ferguson, who was dressed as Buff Frog, with her decorative sword. I'm beginning to think she didn't know how expensive that sword was, since she kept swinging it around like it could actually be used in battle. Ferguson had several pillows as padding between himself and the sword, so it was all good. "Here! This will keep your entrails from becoming your 'out-trails', ha-ha." The sword went into the pillow, and a few feathers drifted out.

"My pillow..." Ferguson said, dejectedly.

The rest of the "Monsters" team was dressed up as various monsters. Star didn't know many monsters and would never have Shinjai on the receiving end of The Great Monster Massacre, so they were dressed up as various members of Ludo's army. Ferguson was Buff Frog, Alfonzo was the Bearicorn, Ms. Skullnick was just a troll. They looked normal-sized. The 'Mewmans", however...

Marcie stomped her way across the makeshift battlefield, which was just the backyard, but a little bigger thanks to Star's magic. Marcie was piloting a gigantic suit of armor that was about as tall as the house. In one hand she was holding the Mewnipendence Day book, in the other she was holding a giant magical sword.

"Hey, Star, I've been looking through your... hold on." Marcie lifted the vizor of the giant helmet she was wearing. "So, I've been looking through your book, and something seems... off."

"What do you mean? Let me see!" Star reached up for the book, which was in Marcie's hands. Marcie was too tall for her to reach, so Marcie dropped the book on the ground and Star picked it up. She flipped the pages to a fight scene, one of the things she'd skipped through. On the page, large, fearsome mewman knights fought fierce, brave, and undeniably tiny monsters. "Wow, Marcie, you're right. I can't believe I didn't notice that before...

"Sharper, sharper, stabbier, and you need to be on a warnicorn." Said adjustments were made to the mewman knights with Star's wand. "Now for the monsters..."

The monsters eagerly held up their tiny weapons. Star quickly dissipated them.

"Hey! What do we get?"

"Uh, hello? You're monsters! Use your claws!" Star growled and made a clawing gesture. Star, I love you, but you can be so dense sometimes.

"Star, I know the monsters are bad and all," Marcie said. "But this seems... unfair."

"Unfair?" Star blinked. Finally, something was getting through to her.

Just then, Starfan13 dropped her giant mace, pinning Ferguson beneath it. He started screaming, and Starfan13 apologized, to little effect because Ferguson had just been hit with a rather large mace and there's not many ways you can apologize for that.

"Do something!" Alfonzo shouted. "He's writhing in pain...! Oh, wait, he stopped."

* * *

"Comrades, it's beginning!" Buff Frog shouted to an assembled group of monsters. "Toffee has replaced me with electronic eye!"

"Uh, we don't care."

"But you should! Toffee will soon replace you with electronic ice cream cone!" He gestured to the Bearicorn, and then to the uni-horned frill-necked lizard guy. "And you with another electronic ice cream cone! And you with –" he pointed at the conjoined monsters. "...with... what is it that you do, exactly?"

"Excuse me? We do... we do... uh..."

"Are you finished?" A hand with a missing finger was placed on Buff Frog's shoulder.

"Ooh, busted," said Boo Fly. Shut up, Boo Fly.

"Gentlefolk. Allow me to direct your attention to our new surveillance device. Princess Butterfly is re-enacting our favorite holiday... the Great Monster Massacre."

Toffee overestimated the assembled monsters' ability to grasp sarcasm. "That is my least favorite holiday," Bearicorn muttered.

"Don't worry, we can take advantage of this opportunity," Toffee tapped their horn bands twice and brought out what appeared to be a mace, but which opened up after Toffee tapped a button on its side. A swirling blue portal opened up. "Why send an army after the wand when it can be..." Toffee took the remote from Ludo's hands and returned it to him using the portal. "...hand delivered?"

"Oh, isn't that a thingy thing," Ludo said, too entranced with spying on Star to notice anything that was going on.

"And it's not like she's going to notice a real monster..."

Ludo laughed. "Those aren't real?"

"..."

"..."

"... _oh-kay._ Now, who would like to bring Ludo his wand?"

Everyone stepped back. Literally everyone... except Buff Frog. "I will go."

"I... thought you might." Toffee handed over the portal mace and muttered under their breath. "You bootlicking toadie." Hey, even Toffee has their limits.

* * *

Starfan13 nearly smashed Ferguson with her mace... again. Ferguson was understandably angry, and even Starfan13's pathetic attempt at making him feel better – another "I'm so sorry, Ferguson" – did nothing to stop his anger. His righteous rage. His very strong feeling of _something is wrong with the world, and I'm gonna make it right._

His just action was to... kick the mace and yell "Come on!" Come on, Ferguson, you could've at least picked a more interesting choice of words. I'm sure everyone would allow it, considering the circumstances.

And kicking that giant hunk of metal? That just gave him a splitting pain in the foot.

Meanwhile, from her perch on the balcony, Star surveyed the battlefield. More specifically, the battlefield in her book. "The monsters are evil... right?" she muttered, flipping past scenes of destruction and chaos caused by noble mewman knights in shining armor. Personally, I'm proud that she was thinking about it. Most mewmans never get that far.

Marcie stomped over to Star. "Hey, Star, everything is set up. We'll start when you give the signal. Or not, and we can just go eat."

"No... It's okay... It'll... It'll be fun."

"Okay. Here we go."

Star drew herself to her full (diminutive) height and raised her wand. "Knights of Mewni! Take up your stabby weapons and drive off the evil monsters!" She sent up a magical firework that exploded into a purple skull. Fitting.

The monsters charged the mewmans, with the predicted results. IE, the monsters got massacred. Well, not quite massacred, as the mewmans were slow and unwieldy, but their hard metal suits of armor made them impenetrable to the monster's "claws". 

Ferguson couldn't do this. "I can't do this!" he said, hiding behind a tree. "Make me... invisible...!"

Just as Ferguson, who might I remind you was dressed as Buff Frog, disappeared behind a tree, the real Buff Frog stepped out of a portal. Before he could get very far, Starfan13's mace nearly crushed him. "I'm so sorry, Feguson!"

Buff Frog merely kicked the mace and yelled "Come on!" How... predictable. It also gave him a massive footache.

"Careful!" Ludo yelped, still observing from the All-Seeing Eye. "What a massacre."

Toffee closed their hand – the one with the missing finger – into a fist. They breathed out, and in, and out again.

Alfonzo ran. He was thinking of joining Ferguson in the trees (though apparently Ferguson had changed his mind and was fighting now? Weird, if Alfonzo had any hope of escaping he would do it), or maybe he could just run away and create a new identity far, far away from Echo Creek where he never had to hear about Star Butterfly again. Something like that. But he didn't get far before the giant warnicorn one of the "mewmans" (I think it was Francis? Whatever) was riding bore down on him. The warnicorn threw him into the sky and he came down hard.

Star dropped her wand onto the balcony in shock, leaving it unguarded. "Alfonzo!" Buff Frog climbed the balcony and took out the portal mace.

He pressed the button. It didn't work. "Wha?"

Ludo stopped slurping his milkshake. "Whaaa?"

Toffee's expression remained neutral.

Buff Frog panicked. He kept pressing the button, but nothing kept happening. "Come on, come on," Ludo muttered. Buff Frog kept losing time.

Buff Frog set his face and tossed the mace away, reaching for the wand with his hand. "What is he doing?" Ludo asked. No one answered.

Buff Frog's hand got closer, closer... "Ferguson?" Star asked.

Buff Frog was going to say something – most likely "What?" – but everything changed when the warnicorn attacked, tossing Buff Frog into the air and sending him flying.

"Ferguson!" Star shouted, flying on a magic cloud to 'Ferguson's' side. "I'm so sorry! Marcie was right, this is unfair! Ferguson, are you okay?"

Wow, calm down Star. The act you were roleplaying was just scratching the surface of the atrocities mewmans have committed against the monsters. If you react like this to the Great Monster Massacre, how will you turn a blind eye to all the suffering the monsters endure in the modern era?

"I'm fine. I'm just... invisible." Ferguson briefly came out from behind the tree, before hiding again. Star frowned. If this wasn't Ferguson, who was iii –

Buff Frog woke up and pushed Star aside. He grabbed the fallen portal mace and ran.

Star raised her wand to blast him. She really considered following through with it. Her wand lit up... and then she lowered it. She let Buff Frog go.

"Alright, let's go eat some corn," Marcie said. The change in subject was a relief for Star, but not for me.

Never for me.

* * *

Rewind, and the warnicorn tossed Buff Frog into the air again. Rewind, and it happened again.

"What a disgrace!" Ludo shouted. "This is what happens when you hire people from the swamp! Let's watch again..." He rewinded the scene again, this time in slow motion.

"I'm telling you! This thing," Buff Frog waved the mace. "It didn't work!"

Toffee grabbed the mace from Buff Frog, and pressed the button. The mace opened, and a portal appeared. "It works fine for me."

Buff Frog pointed to Toffee. "They sabotaged it!"

"Excuse me, I rescued you from a life in the swamp, I took you in, I gave you pants, and this is what you do to repay... wait, where are your pants?!"

Buff Frog was indeed not wearing pants. "Uh, well... uh..."

"Oh, get real! You brought shame on this house! Now go to your room!"

Buff Frog didn't even consider arguing his case further. He just went to his room.

"I don't know what to do about that one! Should I take away his milkshake privileges?"

Toffee brandished the mace. "Are you serious? This was idiot-proof. I think you know what you have to do."

Buff Frog was kicked out of the castle, yelling and screaming that he would make it better, just give him another chance!

"Well... that was pretty hardcore." Ludo sighed, watching from a window.

"You did what had to be done." Toffee turned away from Ludo and finally put the mace down.

* * *

"Are you sure this is accurate?" Marcie asked, flipping through the Mewnipendence Day book.

Star sighed and took the book from Marcie. "You know what? I think it's time we put the book away." No! Don't put the book away, read it! Look deeply at the sins of your ancestors! Only through that can you avoid their mistakes.

Star gave the book to Marcie and Marcie put it away. Then they turned to the corn.

Star was about to dig in when she saw Buff Frog perched in a tree outside. It was his usual spying perch, but he seemed... very sad. He still had Ludo's scissors, Ludo would be wanting them back sometime soon. But that was later, and for now Buff Frog could sit in his usual haunts without fear of being trapped in a strange dimension.

Star left out a piece of corn on a place on the windowsill for him. Better to turn that frown upside down, she always said, and monsters were part of that.

Buff Frog looked up from his perch in the tree. He saw Star leaving the corn out. He smiled.

* * *

_Me and Marcie have been looking through the Mewnipendence Day book and it's really messed up. Those poor monsters... that was wrong. And Buff Frog hasn't moved from his place in the tree since he ate the corn. I wonder what happened..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more set until the finale, guys! I can't believe we've come this far. Next up:
> 
> Interdimensional Field Trip: Star's class go on a boring field trip to the paper clip factory, but Star thinks she can improve this field trip.
> 
> Marcie's Bad Hair Day: Star casts a spell that makes Marcie's hair grow uncontrollably. Other things also happen.


	20. Interdimensional Field Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star's class go on a boring field trip to the paper clip factory, but Star thinks she can improve this field trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really considered axing this episode... but I love Ms. Skullnick and her development too much. It just makes me happy.

"WAAAHOOO! WOO! WHEE-AAHH AAAHHH WOOO!" Star was screaming out the window of the bus.

"Seriously, Star?" Marcie said, tugging on Star's dress. "There's nothing to be excited about. It's just –"

"THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! We're going on a FIELD TRIP! AAHHH!"

"Can it, princess!" Miss Skullnick shouted from the front of the bus.

"I can't believe we're doing this! Hey, whatcha looking at?"

Marcie showed Star her phone. It had a picture of a cute cat on it with the caption "Surprise, did I scare you?"

"Aww, it's so cute! I just want to gobble them up!"

"I hope Jackie likes it as much as you."

"Ooh, conversation starter!"

"Sshh, she's right there!" Marcie gestured to Jackie, who was on her phone a few seats away. Don't worry, Marcie, she's on her phone. Reality has left her.

"Yeah, she is right there! Go talk to her!" Star pushed Marcie gently. "You are so weird about wanting to be friends with someone, I swear –"

"Saying more than just 'hello' is too risky. I might say something dumb. Better to be able to edit my words as much as possible. So I let the kitten pics do the talking for me." She pressed send.

Jackie's phone buzzed. Marcie waited a moment for Jackie to open the photo – and she was smiling.

"She sent me an LOL! We're communicating!" Marcie showed her phone to Star.

The bus stopped. "We're here!" Star gasped out, like a fish on land.

* * *

Star stared at a... thing. It was a bent wire, by the looks of it, and it was beautiful in her eyes. "Amaaaazzing... what is it?!"

"A paperclip... ugh. Luckily I've got my phone."

Miss Skullnick grabbed the phone. "No distractions, Diaz! And the rest of you –" She got out a megaphone, horror of horrors – "No monkey business! This is the Echo Creek Museum of Paperclips. We're gonna spend the next eight hours learning about the genius of this little bent wire!"

Janna groaned. "Miss Skullnick, stop!"

Jackie also groaned. "So boring, aaaggghhh!"

The rest of the students seemed to agree with her. Cries of "so boring!" and "why must you torture us?!" came from the crowd.

"Well, you know what?" Out came the megaphone, yet again. "LIFE IS BORING!"

Star objected to that. "Miss Skullnick! Life is supposed to be fun!"

"I used to think that. But now I'm fifty and all of my dreams are in the rear-view mirror. The best thing in my life is teaching you kids, and I hate teaching you kids."

"Pfft, that's because you're doing it all wrong!"

"And you think you can lead this trip better than me?"

"I was born to lead... literally."

Ms. Skullnick laughed. "Okay, go ahead! When you fail, these brats might appreciate me for a change." On the one hand, Ms. Skullnick needed to learn to use her position of authority better. On the other hand, Ms. Skullnick might have another career she's better suited for... a prophet.

Star addressed the assembled crowd, who had been following Star and Ms. Skullnick's verbal spat quite intently. It was the most interesting thing in the room, after all. "Who wants to go somewhere not-boring!" Star yelled.

"I do!" yelled all of the students. Except Janna, who yelled "Let's go to the morgue!"

The shoe fits.

* * *

Star opened a portal and drove the bus into the swirling portal. "Welcome to the Dimension of Wonders of the Multiverse!"

"Whoa! What is this place?" Marcie asked.

"Only a dimension full of the most odd and unbelievable things in the universe!"

Miss Skullnick got out the megaphone – the horror, the horror! – and started yelling. "No running! NO YELLING! No –"

"Hey, hey!" Star turned the megaphone into a weird horned bull creature. "You put me in charge, so rule number one: no rules!"

"No rules leads to anarchy."

"When you give people the freedom to do whatever they want..." Star grabbed Marcie's phone from Miss Skullnick and tossed it back to Marcie.

"I get more bars here than I do on Earth!" Marcie shouted enthusiastically. She wandered off in the direction of the Bounciest Bouncy Castle.

"...They might just surprise you! Try to have a little fun, you big ol' meanie." Star shoved Ms. Skullnick and then wandered away.

"Okay..." Ms. Skullnick looked around. She then saw an exhibition that would be of some interest to her. "Walking with Trolls...?"

"I heard that once you go in, you never come out... oh, wait, that was cows at the hamburger factory. Go on." Janna was predictable in what she said, but Ms. Skullnick paid her no heed. She walked towards the exhibit.

* * *

Allow me a brief editorial. Or, rather, the fanfic-y equivalent of an editorial.

There is no such thing as a perfect leader. Only a well-informed populace. Because the populace is what keeps leaders in check, and a well-informed populace knows good leaders when they see them. Not perfect leaders, but good ones. 

The clue to a good leader, just so you know, is a leader that supports the press and the education systems, even if they disagree, even if it turns the public against them. A leader who does neither is certainly not a good leader.

The point is, neither Ms. Skullnick nor Star were good leaders. They were not trying to educate or inform their populace, instead imposing their worldviews on them.

And of course, the students in the class field trip were not a well-informed populace, because, as someone who has been a fourteen-year-old many different times, fourteen-year-olds are  _ dumb _ .

* * *

"Hey, Star, can we jump through this light-ray thingy?" Ferguson and Alfonzo asked Star. They pointed to the "light-ray thingy", which was a blue portal held together by several dangerous-looking instruments.

Star, however, did not see the clear danger. "You don't have to ask my permission! Fly free my curious little sparrows!" She laughed. "Being a leader is easy. You just have to say yes all the time."

Ferguson turned to Alfonzo. "You ready, bro?"

"Take my hand, bro!"

They jumped through the portal.

They came out the other side fused together as two ends of a horse. "Bro!"

"We're such good friends, bro!"

"No homo, bro!"

Don't worry. The enchantment will wear off and Alfonzo and Ferguson will be back to their normal selves soon. Thank the stars.

* * *

Ms. Skullnick walked over to a stand with the inscription of "Lifespan of a Troll." She pressed the button for an audio tour, and a little spider holding a megaphone dropped down from the ceiling. "Trolls, along with most other Mewni natives, are one of the multiverse's few ultra-supercentenairies. Which means they live a really, really, really, really, really long time."

"I'm gonna live to be four hundred? Here I thought I was going through the big change. Turns out I'm a teenager again!"

* * *

"Boom, the cat is in the bag," and with that, Marcie sent another cat picture to Jackie. Jackie didn't pay attention to her phone because she was busy riding a flying stingray.

Whoops.

"Um, guys, I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to ride a Dermathian stingray like that," Star shouted to Jackie and her friends. Marcie would've been among those friends, had she put the phone down and followed Jackie to the stingrays. Sometimes there are ironies in life.

"Uhm, Miss Star, may I jump into this ominous-looking vortex?"

"Francis, please stop and ask yourself: is this really something you want to do?" Star was quickly distracted by a boy trying to touch a high-voltage generator. "Justin, no!"

"Um, yeah, I really want to do this!" Francis jumped into the vortex. He stayed, stuck in midair, for a fraction of a second before duplicating into several overlapping clones of himself, who all said: "I really didn't think this through!"

"Oh, shut up, you guys knew this would happen," the top Francis said.

Sabrina was standing upside-down on an Escherian stairway. "Hey, Star, isn't this great?"

"Real great, but you might want to come down!" Star swatted Justin away from licking the high-voltage generator. Licking it. You read that right. "This is... really hard!"

* * *

"Human expansion during the Mewman Wars for Independence gave rise to the fierce Troll Warrior. Trolls are abnormally strong, able to lift one hundred times their own body weight."

"Oh, please, there's no muscle in here," Ms. Skullnick said, lifting a chair. It rose so fast it burst through the roof of the exhibit. "Did that just happen?"

The spider with a megaphone nodded eagerly.

* * *

"No LOL? No smiley face? Nothing? Jackie?" Marcie was upset, but Jackie was still riding the flying stingray. She was having too much fun to notice Marcie's texts. Nevertheless, Marcie persisted. "Time to drop the A-Bomb of cute. A for adorable."

Someone else was also thinking about Jackie. In, you know, a different sense.

"Jackie!" Star shouted as Jackie flew past on a stingray. "Blake!" Star also shouted as Blake also flew past on a stingray. "No, no, no, don't you jump on that!" she yelled as a girl (named Jill) jumped on a pile of "Universe's Most Explodiest Pancakes."

Said pancakes blew up, and Jill was tossed into the air. Star caught her, but she was still covered in several burns. "Wh-why did you let me do that, Star?" Jill cried.

"Star, help!" Sabrina had fallen, and was continuing to fall through a never-ending staircase. Whenever she seemed to be at the end of the Escherian stairs, they would reveal a new twist and she would continue to fall.

"Don't worry, I... I don't even know how to help you."

* * *

Janna was looking around when she saw the "Universe's Most Deadliest Creature."

Said creature was made out of blue yarn, knitting itself and whistling innocently.

"What a tease," Janna muttered, and walked off. Deadliness is subjective, Janna. I mean, if you judge by number of kills, this guy’s pretty tame. But if you account for yarn allergies, well, that gets bad.

"Agh! I told you those weren't gumballs!" Ferguson and Alfonzo, still fused into a horse, slipped on marbles and ran straight into the glass tank of the "Universe's Most Deadliest Creature." They then galloped off, as if they hadn't doomed the entire dimension to yarn burn.

The glass of the tank shattered. The creature seized its moment and escaped, yarn winding off the ball more and more and more...

* * *

"Star! Can I get mutant superpowers by touching that weird glowing green thing?" I think that would give you the opposite of mutant superpowers. Right? I don't know much about Superman – haven't gotten to his timeline yet – but kryptonite is glowing, green, and bad for superpowers, right?

"Star! Can I touch the electric zappy thing with this metal fork?"

"Star, us clones are hungry!"

"Hah, I brought snacks! Sucks to be you!" the top Francis clone shouted.

None of this was doing any good for Star's psyche. So many people wanted her, so many people wanted to do dangerous or awful things and she had to stop all of them.

And then there was Janna. Janna was in the arms of a skeleton. "Star, meet my new BFF!"

"Uhm... I... I...!"

"Star."

"Star!"

"STAR!"

"Could you all be quiet for just one second, PLEASE!"

Silence.

"Ahh, that's better." Star looked around. No one was where they had been. Sabrina was gone. Justin was gone. Francis and his clones were gone. All that remained was blue socks. "Wait... where did everyone go?"

Miss Skullnick ran up to Star. "Hey, Star, guess wha – Where is the rest of the class?"

A stingray flew past, empty of passengers, but covered in blue socks.

A short distance away, Marcie looked at her unread text messages. "Okay, Jackie, I know when I'm not wanted." She tossed her phone into a nearby trash bin and started to walk away. Before she could get far, the phone ringed.

"Oh, please work, please work!" Marcie ran back to the phone. "Text from Jackie! 'H.E.L.P'... what's that an acronym for?"

* * *

Miss Skullnick donned her armor. It was from the "Walking with Trolls" exhibit and probably mostly decorative, but it was what Skullnick had to work with, so it would have to work.

"Jackie's text said they'd been they'd been captured by some monster. Don't worry, Marcie and I can handle this. We fight monsters all the time!"

"I trusted you with the class for five minutes and you lost them!" And to be fair, Ms. Skullnick, it wasn't five minutes. More like... ten.

"They're not lost, we just... don't know where they are."

Marcie's phone vibrated. "They're where where wherever this place is!" She displayed the photo, which was full of blue socks.

"Wait, I saw blue socks right after the other students disappeared!" Fun fact: blue socks are how this thing reproduces. Soon the place will be crawling with Universe's Most Deadliest Creatures. You don't have much time.

"Then that's where I'm starting my search." Ms. Skullnick put on a helmet, cementing her transformation into a Troll Warrior.

* * *

"'Universe's Most Coziest Prehistoric Cave Dwelling?"

"The trail of socks ends here. Let's go in."

The students were trapped in stockings hanging in front of the fireplace. "Okay. Me and Marcie climb up and help them down, you stay on the ground and catch them when they fall."

Ms. Skullnick harrumphed. "I don't follow orders from you, Missie... But, that is a decent plan. I'll follow your instructions." She smiled. It was rather ruined by her yellow, sharp, and chipped teeth. She still was a troll, even if she forgot sometimes.

Marcie and Star climbed up onto the top of the fireplace. They pulled the students out of the socks and helped them down.

"Kids, don't worry. We'll get home soon," Ms. Skullnick said. A roar echoed in the distance. "Okay, hurry, hurry! Jump, I'll catch you!"

"I don't know if I can do this, bro!" Ferguson groaned. He was afraid of everything, including heights.

"Take my hand, bro!" Alfonzo extended his hand. "No homo, bro."

"Are you sure no homo...?" Ferguson asked.

"No, bro... I'm not sure no homo."

"Aww, yes!" Ferguson jumped for joy and caused his half to their fused horse to fall off the mantel. Alfonzo fell after him.

Ms. Skullnick caught them. "That was a very strange way to confess your love, but I'm happy for you."

Jackie smiled at Marcie. "Marcie! You came!"

"Uhm, hi! Hello. Hi. Uhm, hi. Hello, uh, hi."

Star sighed. "I'll take Jackie. You help Janna."

Janna smiled, revealing sharp fangs. "Yeah, help meeee!"

"Ugh."

"Relax, they aren't real fangs. Unless you want them to be."

Marcie sighed and helped Janna out of the sock.

Whistles could be heard in the distance. "Quiet, everyone! It's coming!"

The students didn't listen to Ms. Skullnick. Instead, when a giant version of the previously seen Yarn Monster approached, they all screamed and ran, which just made it angry.

Star readied her wand. "Alright, string monster –"

"No!" Ms. Skullnick shouted. "I'm back in charge, and I need you to get those kids to safety!" Ms. Skullnick grabbed a boulder and lifted it over her head. "What did I say? Go, go, go!"

She tossed the rock at the monster. It moved aside.

Star and Marcie corralled the students back on the bus. "What did I say?!" yelled Star, turning her wand into a megaphone. "Go, go, go!"

Skullnick raised her axe and fought, striking the yarn monster in the chest.

"Wow, Skullnick's got some moves!" Marcie said, excitedly. She looked like she would very much like to be eating popcorn, but alas, none was around.

"You bet your tuckus I do!" Skullnick yelled back. This was unfortunate, as the yarn monster took advantage of her distraction to swallow her whole.

I mean, whoops, right?"

"You ate my teacher! Get ready to eat magic!" Star readied her wand, but before she could cast, the monster bulged in around the general throat-heart area. Or what would've been the general throat-heart area if it had a throat or a heart. Which it didn't. Anyways, back to the point... oh, what was the point? Oh, yeah, the monster bulged, and Ms. Skullnick came out, brandishing a paperclip tied with a strand of yarn. Bright blue yarn, in fact.

"Get that bus moving!" Ms. Skullnick shouted. The bus got moving, seemingly entirely due to the power of Ms. Skullnick's voice.

Skullnick attached the paperclip to the "Universe's Most Immovable Post" and raced towards the bus. The bus moved fast, but Ms. Skullnick moved faster. And as the yarn monster followed it was unwound and unwound, until all that was left was a single line of yarn, frantically trying to follow the bus.

"What a tease," Janna said.

One could agree with Janna and say that the "Universe's Most Deadliest Creature" was a huge tease. But, on the other hand, we won't be hearing from this dimension ever again. So make up your own mind...

Star grabbed Ms. Skullnick and pulled her into the bus. The two of them collapsed on the floor. Everyone cheered. It was the most interesting thing they'd seen since Star last "accidentally" blew up the school.

Ms. Skullnick sighed, and smiled. "Don't tell anyone I said this," she addressed Star. "But maybe teaching you kids isn't so bad."

"You had fun?"

"Yeah. I had fun."

Star grinned from ear to ear. "See? Life can be fun!"

"I'm no longer having fun."

"Aww..."

"Okay, okay, I'm having a little fun!"

"Yaaay!"

Marcie sat down on one of the bus seats, because there wasn't much else to sit on in a school bus. 

Jackie walked up. "Hey, anyone sitting there?"

Marcie panicked and nearly dropped her phone. "Uhm, uhm..." She looked at Star, who gave her a thumbs up.

"...yeah. You are." Marcie beckoned Jackie over.

* * *

_ I think I taught Ms. Skullnick an important lesson today. She can have fun, even if she's an old fart. And I made her feel better about being a troll, too, so I'm making up for that mistake, too! I hope she has fun living to four hundred (or more ;P) years. _


	21. Marcie's Bad Hair Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star casts a spell that makes Marcie's hair grow uncontrollably. Other things also happen.

"Star, hurry up!" Marcie's hair looked different. It looked... longer than it had been at the start of our little adventure. And it was up in a ponytail. Strange witchcraft. Anyways, she was already to her locker, while Star was lagging far behind. At this rate, they'd be late. Marcie wouldn't leave Star behind, no, she would never do that to Star. But sometimes she was tempted, you know?

Star panted. "Coming! I'm coming!" And so she did, riding on the cloud spell she affectionately called Cloudy. Sparkles and heart creatures floated around her. She was surrounded by a veritable walking menagerie of magical beings. "Hey, Cloudy, can you put me down?" Instead of righteously kicking Star the foot or so to the ground, like I would've done – if only for the laughs – Cloudy extended a rainbow, and Star slid to the ground. "Thanks, guys, you're the best."

"We love you, Star!"

Star blushed. "Aww, love you too." She then dispelled them, and they screamed in agony before fading away. Then Star started working on opening her locker.

"Can you do anything without magic?" Marcie asked irately. I mean, Star was using her magic a lot, but Marcie could perhaps chill. Just a suggestion. I mean, I literally can't do anything without magic, so, Marcie... calm down.

Star ignored Marcie thoroughly, thus proving Marcie right. "Sunshine locker slap!" she yelled, and a minotaur appeared and smashed the door off her locker. It then high-fived Star, said "Love you, Star!" and wandered off. Screams soon followed.

"Mmm," Marcie said, unimpressed. 

"You use too much magic, blah blah, blah, blah blah!" Star mocked. She then blew a rasperry, for added effect.

Jackie Lynn Thomas rode by on her skateboard. "Hey, Marcie." She then skateboarded over to Jill. "Your hair looks great."

"Thanks, Jackie. I grew it out last night." Jill was lying. She grew it out over a week, not a night.

Marcie didn't know that, and if she did she... probably wouldn't be any happier. "Last night? I've been growing out my hair for months now!" Marcie sighed dejectedly. "Oh, well..."

Star sidled up to Marcie. "Weeelll, you know what the quickest way to grow out your hair is?"

Marcie sighed again. "Let me guess... is it –"

"It's magic!"

"I'll stick with my short hair, thanks. It might not be much, but it's mine."

Star frowned. "I have a magic wand. I might as well use it." She blasted her head with her wand, making her hair grow pretty darned long. We're talking Rapunzel levels here.

"Sometimes there's a sense of satisfaction in doing things yourself," Marcie said, shrugging.

"Let me grow your hair out!" Star shouted, racing towards Marcie rather threateningly. "Zap, zap zap, zap zap!"

"No! Don't touch it!" Marcie moved into her karate stance.

* * *

The next morning, Marcie noticed her hair was much longer, almost to her desired length. "I did it! My hair's growing! USA! USA!"

"Con _ grat _ ulations, Marcie. It looks really good on you."

"Star, why are you making that face?"

"What face? I don't make face." Star said, making a face.

"You used magic on me, didn't you?"

Star was definitely sweating. "Nope!"

"Oh, come on Star!"

"Why are you so mad? You look so good with long hair!"

"I wanted to grow it myself!" Marcie grabbed a pair of scissors, and brought them up to her hair. She prepared to cut, but...

"Star! It's growing! Star?!" Marcie's hair expanded and shot out everywhere. Star yelped as the hair pushed her backward and out of the bathroom. Marcie's hair pushed her, in fact, all the way out of the house.

Star looked up at the havoc she'd created. Marcie's hair was covering the house, bursting out of windows and doors. It seemed alive, twisting itself around the house in a myriad of coils.

"Wow. That's a lotta hair. But don't worry your pretty little head, Marcie! It's nothing a little magic won't fix." Star reached for her wand. "Sparkle Razor Haircut!" Nothing happened.

Star looked at her hand. "Oh, that's just a taquito. Oops." Star stuffed it in her mouth. "Yum. But where's my wand?"

She looked around, diving in and out of the piles of hair. "Wand? WAND?! Ah, I must have dropped it in the bathroom when Marcie's hair exploded! Okay. Think, Star, what would a normal person do in this situation?"

Star thought, and thought hard. She thought hard about a dolphin with a toupé sitting at a desk and slapping a keyboard.  _ Werk, werk, werk, werk, werk. _

"Well, that's no help. Wait a second..." her cheek hearts turned to lightbulbs. "I got it!"

She slammed open the garage, grabbed a pair of hedge clippers, and opened and shut them, making a clicking sound. "Normal person."  _ Click-click _

Star slammed open the front door. More hair spilled out. "Okay, I'm coming for you, Marcie!"

She cut through the hair, practically swimming in it. "Man, this would be a lot easier if I had my wand. But at least I've got you, Mister Hedge Clippers."

Star opened and shut the hedge clippers as if they were talking. "Yeah, you don't need no stinking wand! I wanna cut more!"

I'd say she was slipping, but let's be honest. That's just Star.

* * *

Toffee studied the magical signal detector. Star was inside the house, seemingly with a large pair of scissors... or something like that. And the wand was a distance away, above and to the left of Star. "I have location on the wand. It's inside the house. And it's ours for the taking."

Ludo shuddered. He was in his usual outfit, though he was carrying the Avarius Beacon, which was unusual, because he constantly forgot to bring it with him. Which said more about the weakness of the Beacon, more than anything. "That's a house? It's covered in h-hair. Maybe we should come back another time."

"Of course. It's just... the wand's never been unattended before."

The rest of the monsters gazed at Ludo expectantly. Ludo steeled himself, for a certain value of "steeled". "Okay, but you idiots are going to carry me." He climbed on Big Chicken, punching her as he went. "I don't want a single hair touching me. Hold still, you dumb bird!" (Which was ironic, see, as Big Chicken was not the only dumb bird in attendance.) "What are you waiting for? Move it!"

Toffee sighed as the other monsters filed into the house. Seen by no one but me, they paused and stared at a cluster of pale green flowers in the Diaz's yard. They closed their eyes for a moment. Then they opened them, and followed the rest of the monsters into the house. They took their place at the end of the line and just... waited. It was only a matter of time.

* * *

Marcie was screaming, but hair snaked around her face and covered her mouth. She tried to rip it off, but hair grabbed her arm and held it away from her face. She tried to kick, to squirm, to move her head, but she was immobilized by the hair.

She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. She couldn't scream.

* * *

Star swung on a strand of hair and then cleared a path with her hedge clippers. She swam through the hair. "This isn't so bad. I bet I'm all the way to the – oof!" She fell out of the chunk of hair and onto the couch, dropping the hedge clippers as she fell. "I'm still in the living room? Ugh!"

A strand of hair snaked forward and grabbed the hedge clippers from where they had fallen on the floor. As they were dragged back, Star could almost imagine them shouting out "AVENGE ME!"

Star had a very vivid imagination.

A rumbling noise echoed through the house, and a large wad of hair collapsed on Star.

* * *

"Keep moving! What's the hold up, get moving!" Ludo was currently further abusing his henchmonsters. And now they had stopped, in the middle of the pit of hair.

"Master Ludo, can we take a break?" That was Beard Deer, covered in hair.

"I'm dehydrated," the Giraffe Monster agreed, also covered in hair.

Big Chicken clucked in agreement. She was not covered in hair, but she was carrying Ludo, and despite his size he was heavy.

"No breaks!" Ludo cringed as a strand of hair moved towards him, but Three-Eyed Potato Baby moved it away. Not that Ludo was grateful. "Keep moving! No breaks! Do your job! This is taking forever!"

Toffee moved forward. "Actually, the wand is... that way," they said, apologetically, pointing to the left of where the monsters had been digging through the hair. At least they had one consolation: "We're close."

"W-well, clear the path and move it, you idiots! Move it!" Ludo brandished his wand and used it as a cattle prod, zapping the monsters with a painful shock if they stopped moving. The monsters sighed and started moving forward.

Thank goodness for Toffee, who tapped their horn band and brought out a glass of water. They offered it to the Giraffe Monster with a smile. The Giraffe Monster smiled back.

"What's your name?"

"What? You want to know my name?"

"Yes, I do."

"It's Steve. Not Giraffe Monster. Steve."

"Well, I'll have to remember that." My sentiments exactly.

* * *

Star struggled against the hair, but she was well and truly stuck. "I'm stuck!" she said, redundantly. "O-oh, I wish I had my wand...!"

Star heard barking. One of the laser puppies was tied up in the hair with her. "Oh, hey there, little guy. You stuck here too? Oh, I'm so tired. And this hair is so soft. Maybe we should take a nap here together..." She closed her eyes, and fell asleep.

"Star! Star Butterfly!" A voice was shouting for her. Rather annoying, she wanted to stay asleep. Or maybe she was still asleep, she no longer felt tired.

"Huuhh? Who's there?" was her sophisticated and intelligent response to the mysterious voice.

The laser puppy stood on its stubby little legs. "It is I, definitely a laser puppy. Your loyal dog. Definitely not someone else visiting your dreams with her sibling's help, to give you some encouragement. Laser Puppy, that's me."

"Aauuhh, whaaa?"

The laser puppy wagged its tail and began to glow with a mysterious white light. It then floated upwards as if carried by the light, which looked to be emanating from Star's belly button, of all things. 

"Aww, I didn't think you could get any cuter, but look at you!" Star cooed.

"Thank you! I wag my tail humbly!" The laser puppy's voice was... hard to place. It sounded like any number of people: Mrs. Diaz, her mother, Marcie, Jackie... it sounded like all of them at once. It seemed to echo around in her head, changing voices every time. The puppy floated closer to Star's face. "You must not give up! Marcie needs you!"

"But it's just sooo hard without my wand. A-and Marcie's not here to back me up."

"But let me remind you of a time before your wand, and before Marcie! When a precocious pre-teen got mixed up with snakes, goblins, and ghouls. All while looking super cute!"

"You're right, I was adorable."

"You never needed your wand before, why do you need it now?"

Star looked away guiltily.

"Also, I happen to be a puppy that shoots lasers out of my eyes. The choice is yours, Star Butterfly. Either rise up and fight, or wither here and die." The puppy's voice was already echoey, but it got even more echoey as the white light receded back to her stomach.

Star shook herself awake. She had fallen asleep holding the laser puppy. "Wow, was that all a dream? It didn't feel like a dream... Anyways, I have to go save Marcie!" She grabbed the puppy and used its lasers to free herself, and then aimed it towards the stairs. She blasted and blasted, until she encountered... Ludo?

"Ludo? What are you doing here?"

"It's the girl! Get her!"

Ludo's henchmonsters leapt out of the hair. Star punched and kicked them away easily.

"Wait, the wand is that way!" Toffee said, still out of Star's sight.  _ So, Toffee is here,  _ Star thought.  _ Nice of them to drop by so I can kick their butt for hurting Marcie! _

The staircase was within view. "Don't let her get the wand!" Ludo shouted as Star ran for it, shoving Ludo and Big Chicken aside. Ludo cringed and cried as hair nearly touched him.

Star flipped the coffee table into the monsters chasing her, and raced up the stairs, only to be stopped by Beard Deer grabbing her ankle. She kicked her leg free and raced up, only to get pulled back again. This allowed the Conjoined Monster to get ahead of her, but she pulled the strand of hair he was standing on and he fell down, knocking everyone back to the bottom of the stairs.

Star pushed her way out of the tangle of monsters and leapt up the stairs. The Giraffe Monster – Steve – attempted to stop her, but she shoved his head in between the railings and shoved his body over the railings, making his stiff neck curve into a C. It looked terribly painful. Ouch. What, am I not supposed to focus on the painfulness of the wounds inflicted on random henchmonsters during the fights? Says you. The consequences of the main character's wanton destruction will not go unexplored by me!

Anyways, the Warthog Monster got tangled up in hair and shoved into the depths of the living room. Don't worry about him, he always steals the other monsters' lunches. You don't have to concern yourselves with the likes of him.

Star raced the Bearicorn up the stairs and lost. The Bearicorn opened the door before Star, and saw Marcie, tangled in hair and making muffled panicked noises. "Uh, yeah, the bathroom is occupied!"

Star knocked the Bearicorn out of the way and leapt into the bathroom. She looked and saw the wand tangled in some strands of hair. She moved forwards, only to be dog-piled by the remaining monsters. "Hey! The wand is yours!" Beard Dear shouted to Ludo. The wand was indeed close, just over a few rivers of hair and tangled up in a strand. Ludo was still riding on the Big Chicken, this would be a breeze!

Well, not for long. A tangle of hair shot out and grabbed Big Chicken, knocking Ludo off her and onto the floor. He stared in horror at the hair around him.

See, when Ludo was young, at his birthday party, his parents got a giant hairy thing called "The Tickle Monster" to come visit him. It tickled Ludo until he was crying. From fear. And ever since then, Ludo has had an intense fear of hair.

Ludo's parents  _ suck _ .

Ludo was sweating and shaking and slowly crossing over a few strands of hair. Every time his feet touched the hair, he panicked and screamed. His henchmonsters and Star watched with understandable concern, as Ludo seemed... upset.

Toffee did not watch with concern. Their attitude towards Ludo was about as far from sympathy as one could get.

Ludo was before the wand, sweating profusely. He reached for it... reached for it... reached for it... and completely broke down. "Ahahaha! It tickles! Hahaha! It's my birthday! Aaah – ahahaha!"

Toffee smiled.

The other other monsters grumbled in disappointment. Then they looked down. "Wait! Where is Star?"

Star emerged from the hair, grabbing her wand.

Toffee decided that was their cue to leave.

"Normally, I'd blast you all with narwhals right about now. But, hey, you don't need magic for everything!" Star brandished her fists.

Needless to say, Star beat them all up. They were all sent flying out of the house, collapsing in the driveway. Mr. and Mrs. Diaz, coming home from getting groceries, were... shocked. Mrs. Diaz pressed the car lock button an extra time, just in case.

Back in the bathroom, Star smiled and brandished her fists again. "Aw yeah, that was very epic of me, if I do say so myself. Omigosh, Marcie, I was looking everywhere for you!"

Marcie said something that was muffled by all the hair in her mouth. Star thought she said something like: "Oh, Star, that was so cool of you, beating up those monsters with your bare fists like that!"

What Marcie really said was: "I don't care! Get me out of this hair!"

"You're right! I was using my wand too much! But I'm Star Butterfly, independent woman with fists like hammers!"

Marcie said another thing. Star thought she was being encouraging, and continued. 

(Marcie really was saying "Stuff it and help me, Star!")

"And now I shall cut this hair off with this tiiiiny pair of scissors! Thank you, Marcie, for teaching me such an important lesson."

Marcie screamed. Again.

This is not what I was trying to teach Star, btw.

* * *

"What a pathetic display back there! No milkshake privileges for you!"

The henchmonsters all cringed away from Ludo, who was on a tirade. Ordinarily, he wouldn't stop berating them for a long time. All of them knew to stay still and quiet until his anger ran its course.

But today was not an ordinary day. As Ludo continued his rant, saying "I want you to take this time to think about what you've done!" Toffee cut in.

"Perhaps they should take that time to think about what  _ you've _ done."

"Exactly! Wait, what?"

"Let me ask you a question," Toffee said, pacing in front of the group. "What kind of leader throws you into a pit of hair, makes you do all of the work, and shows you no appreciation for your sacrifices?" The monsters muttered in agreement. Boo Fly even nestled in their arms.

Ludo was still leagues behind. "Are you... are you talking about me?"

"What kind of leader has all the power of the multiverse at his fingertips... and gets tickled right out of it?" That last phrase was deeply mocking, as Toffee gave it the exact edge it needed.

That edge was enough for even the famously dense Ludo to instinctively never want to be mocked like that again. He straightened up to his full, diminutive height. "Toffee... what are you doing?"

"Your soldiers deserve better."

Ludo gasped, struggling to form words. It was a strange thing, when one as... verbose as Ludo was at a loss for words. Just comeuppance is so satisfying. "You... ah... you are FIRED!"

"Let's put it to your soldiers. Who's the better leader... Ludo," they gestured at Ludo, who stood a distance from the group and looked like her was about to throw a tantrum. "Or... me?" They placed themself at the forefront of the group, already looking the part of a fearsome leader... of accountants. They were still wearing that suit.

The monsters weren't sold yet. Change is pretty scary, and even if there was an obviously better choice, you sometimes want to preserve what you've got. But indecision alone was enough to drive Ludo up the wall.

"You guys belong to me! Three-Eyed Potato Baby, I am like a father to you! Beard Deer, I took you in off the  _ streets _ ! Are you  _ stupid imbeciles _ really going to listen to him?"

That decided it. Ludo was thrown out of his own castle. Quite literally. 

I love democracy.

He landed hard, on the cold cobblestones outside of the castle. "You can't do this! This is my castle! Those are my monsters!"

Toffee looked down on him coldly, the rest of the monsters beside them. They were holding the Avarius Beacon. "Not anymore."

"T-Toffee..."

Toffee broke the Avarius Beacon over their leg and tossed it out along with Ludo. Then they slammed the door.

* * *

_ I got Marcie out of the hair eventually, and she even let me give her a new style: long hair! She didn't appreciate me not using my wand to dispel the hair, though. I mean, she's sending me so many mixed messages: is it okay to use my wand for every little thing or not? Geez, Marcie, you should stay consistent. _

_ I'm pretty sure that's all that's happened, definitely. Nothing important else going on. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE BOOK ONE FINALE IS NEXT! I, for one, can't wait. Pay attention to the little changes I made in this story. They're important.
> 
> Storm the Castle: Star teams up with the exiled Buff Frog and Ludo to free Marcie from Toffee's castle.


	22. Storm the Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Star teams up with the exiled Buff Frog and Ludo to free Marcie from Toffee's castle.

Star gazed down a hole. "Some of these have sandwiches in them." She was perched atop a mound with several tubes sticking from it. The surface she was standing on was slick and fleshy, and was pretty darned gross.

But the call of sandwiches was too strong. Star spotted one in one of the tubes and stuck her hand down, despite Marcie's protests. It was juuust out of her reach.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Marcie asked, spoiling the party. Remember, friends don't ruin friends' chances of getting nice magical sandwiches. It never goes well for you, and it won't for Marcie. 

"I never said it was safe," Star said, reaching down the tunnel again. She sighed as her hand fell short again. "Hey, how 'bout you try?"

Marcie looked at her arm, and considered how she really wanted to keep it. "Uh, no... thank you."

"Suit yourself," Star said, and was immediately sucked into the tube. 

"I gotcha, I got you!" Marcie shouted, pulling on Star's legs. She pulled Star out. And Star was holding the sandwich. Good for her.

"Hey, check it out! I got the sandwich," Star was going to say, but the tubes all started expelling steam. Star fell off her perch at the top of a tube, dragging Marcie with her.

The mound shook itself, yawned, and blinked its eyes open to stare at Star and Marcie. It snarled.

"Run?"

"Yeah."

The monster chased them out of the cave, across a plain, and almost chased them over a cliff. Marcie started climbing the vines on said cliff, but Star jumped off and dragged Marcie with her. She yelled something appropriately magical, and a giant shortcake appeared to block their fall. They bounced, and the bounce sent them flying into a forest below, where they got tangled on vines. 

The monster jumped off the cliff and chased after them, losing no time.

Marcie struggled in the vines while Star reached for the sandwich, which had fallen just out of reach. "Star, we gotta get out of here! Star! PAY ATTENTION! STAR!"

Marcie sighed and grabbed the dimensional scissors from Star and opened a portal.

The creature approached and snarled at Star. It stomped down on the sandwich. Star ripped half of the sandwich from beneath the creature's feet before Marcie tugged her through the portal.

"I had it _in_ my hands, Marcie!" Star snapped once through the portal. "I have no idea what you were thinking."

"I was _thinking_ of not dying!"

Tip for thinking with portals: close said portals once you're done with them. You never know what might come out of them.

In this case, a green claw from the monster from before. Marcie smashed a flower pot over its arm and closed the portal. A pity, it was a rather nice flower pot.

Star glared at Marcie. "We went through all that trouble and this sad little scrap of sandwich is all we have to show for it?"

"That's because it's not worth dying over a stupid piece of food!" Marcie slapped the sandwich out of Star's hands, and it stuck to the wall and gathered a small swarm of flies. "Ugh. I'm going to my room."

"I hate it when you act like this. It makes me wonder why we're even friends!" Star scraped the sandwich off the wall. "Ugh, where did all these flies come from?"

Marcie sighed, and then glared at Star. She slammed the door to her room behind her.

Star stomped off to her room angrily. She then screamed into a pillow. She then fell asleep on her bed, clutching at said pillow. Some people can just... fall asleep when they get angry. I'm one of those people, of course, I can pull off just about anything. But it's not easy. And she must have been having a strange dream indeed, because in her sleep she called out "Don't call me Butterflup."

She then woke up in the evening and gazed at the sandwich, which she had placed on her vanity. She ran up to it and took a bite. "So delicious!" Star sighed. Her eyes fell on a picture of her and Marcie. "Oh boy," Star said, taking the picture off the wall and looking at it. "I better go apologize."

Star knocked on Marcie's door. "Hey, Marcie, I'm sorry. I was a jerk. It's just that I really wanted you to try this sandwich. It's kinda smushed and dirty, but it's still _delicious_!"

No answer. Star opened the door to Marcie's room. "Marcie? Hmm, no Marcie." She walked down the stairs. "Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz?"

Said parties were hidden underneath a blanket and laughing.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

Angie lifted her head from underneath the blanket. "Oh, Star! We were just looking at Raphael's old book of medical illustrations!" Yeah. That was definitely what they were doing. Yup.

"Weird... hey, have you guys seen Marcie?"

"I think he went to walk the laser puppies."

"Try calling his cellular phone!" 

Star grabbed the home phone and dialed Marcie's cell. Marcie's ringtone, the bubbly and not-really-ironic Space Unicorns, echoed from the upper floor. Star gasped. "The call is coming from inside the house!"

Star followed the sound back to Marcie's room, stretching the home phone's cord as she walked. She saw what seemed to be Marcie's hoodie, sitting on the bed. "There you are! What's with everyone sitting in the dark like a bunch of weirdy-weiiiirrr..."

Star trailed off, for Marcie was... floating. And she didn't seem to have any legs. "Marcie? Where did you put your legs?" Star dropped the phone, sending it flying back to the living room.

The hoodie turned around, revealing that it was not Marcie in the hoodie but Boo Fly, the fly monster that had, heh, formerly been Ludo's henchmonster. Star gasped. "What have you done with Marcie?"

"If you wish to see the girl alive again, bring the wand to Ludo's castle tonight. And come alone." He then made an obnoxious buzzing noise and flew out the window.

Mr. Diaz walked in, laughing, followed shortly by Mrs. Diaz. "Hey kids, you're never gonna believe me! The telephone punched me in the face...! Did you find Marcie?"

Star sighed.

* * *

"And the little fly man was all," here Star badly imitated the 'little fly man's' voice, "if you ever want to see Marcie alive again – oh, wait, I just sounded Johansen. He wasn't a Johansen. Jot that down."

The police officer she was talking to dutifully wrote on his clipboard. He wrote _"I am pretending to write something down._ " Typical cop. 

"The thing is, Ludo has been after my wand ever since I got it, but he's never gonna get it. It's, like, my birthright, from, like, a gazillion generations ago, starting with my great-great-great-great-great-great –"

"You like magic, little girl?" The police dude interrupted. He had tiny little gray eyes and a gigantic gray mustache. He was leaning down to be on Star's level, but it was the opposite of comforting. It was unnerving. So, a typical cop.

"Uh, I guess I do?"

"Oh, I do too! I used to go to Vegas every week, all for magic! The thing about magic is, if you don't use it wisely, you can lose everything."

"Uhh..."

"Anywho, not much I can do for ya. If he's not back by tomorrow, we'll send the bloodhounds after him." The police officer left through the front door, whistling. I'd say he's the exceptional useless cop, but he really isn't the exception. They're all like that.

"I told you he wouldn't get it," Star said, irately. The whole "talk to the police, it's what you do when there's a missing person obviously" routine was Mr. and Mrs. Diaz's idea, not Star's. Star just wanted to go into Ludo's castle blasting magic from her wand.

"Well, we don't get it either!" Mrs. Diaz said. Then she thought for a moment. "Look, this isn't your fault, Star. If anything, we should have been paying more attention to the two of you."

"I can get Marcie back from Ludo," Star crossed her arms. 

"Great, we'll take the minivan!" Mr. Diaz stepped forwards. 

"No. The little fly man said for me to come alone." Star closed the door behind her and then spoke through the peephole. "And by the way, this _is_ my fault. I'll take care of it myself."

"Oh, come on, Star, don't be like..." the door opened. "...that."

Star stepped inside. "Forgot my scissors." She opened a portal and walked into it, closing it behind her.

* * *

Buff Frog was... sad. He hadn't been employed since he was kicked out of Ludo's castle. And he hadn't been doing anything while not being employed. Just sitting around behind a single, freestanding door, pretending he had a house. A fly flew past him, and he stuck his tongue out to catch it, but stopped midway through. "Oh, why bother."

Ludo dragged a bag behind him. The bag was twitching and wiggling, giving Ludo some trouble as he dragged it towards the freestanding door. "Ludo?" Buff Frog's eyes met Ludo's. "What are you doing?"

Ludo hid behind the door, took a breath, and knocked.

"Why would you even bother knocking when you just walked through my living room?" Buff Frog demanded from behind the door.

"I'm sorry!"

"Go away! I am not following your orders anymore!"

"I just want to talk, Buff Frog!"

"Buff Frog not even my name!"

"Really...? Is it... Butt... Frog?"

" _No,_ it's not _Butt Frog._ "

"Is it... Chad?"

"My name is Yvgeny Buloyubov." Good to know, Yvgeny. "Toffee knew that, why don't you?"

"Don't talk to me about Toffee! I mean, don't kick me out, I totally have a point, listen to me, uh –"

"What do you want?"

"Okay... let me at least buy back your friendship. You're going to love it!" The bag squirmed, and Ludo punched it. "Quiet!"

"Fine." Buff Frog – Yvgeny – dropped the door, almost crushing Ludo. "Door is open."

* * *

Star dashed out of the portal and into Mewni. She saw Ludo's castle in the distance – on a hill, because it was a castle in every sense of the word, and castles go on hills.

But she stopped before she got there, as Ludo and Yvgeny were sitting on a log, grumpily not looking at each other.

"You're not even going to open my present?" Ludo whined. "Wait, what's that coming at us? Augh!"

The "augh" was because Star blasted both Ludo and Yvgeny, and then opened Ludo's sack.

Shiny green things blinked up at her. They were tiny... and adorable. "Tadpoles? Ugh..." If they were tadpoles, and they were, they were being very poorly maintained. Tadpoles need a source of water, and they're delicate. Dragging them around like Ludo did would be very poor for their health. 

But that didn't stop Yvgeny. He got up eagerly. "Tadpoles?"

Star blasted him back down.

Ludo flopped pathetically on the ground, looking for something. "Where are my flip-flops?" Apparently he usually wore flip-flops under his robe. Pathetic.

Star stood menacingly over him. " _Where's Marcie?_ "

"I don't even know who that is!"

Star aimed her wand.

"She is talking about Karate Girl!" Yvgeny said.

"I swear, I have no idea where your friend is!" Ludo shouted.

"Then why did you summon me to your castle?"

"It is no longer his castle." Buff Frog said gravely.

"He's right," Ludo groaned. 'It's Toffee's castle now!"

"Toffee? Isn't thaaat..." Star trailed off as she looked at Yvgeny, happily playing with the tadpoles.

"Ludo gave me babies." Either Yvgeny didn't know how... awkward that sentence was or he didn't care or he wanted everyone around him to be uncomfortable. Okay, he probably knew.

"Okay, I'm done." Star got out of there.

"Wait!" Ludo shouted, running after her. "Wait, wait!"

Yvgeny stopped Ludo. "Wait, Ludo... I just wanted to thank you... for giving me the gift of fatherhood."

Ludo laughed. "That wasn't a gift, you ding-a-ling. It was a bribe! You see, the plan was, I buy your friendship back with gifts, because 'we're friends.' Then you kick Toffee out of my castle for me because 'we're friends!' But then Star showed up and I don't need you anymore, you big old meatball!" Ludo laughed again, and turned to run after Star.

Buff Frog set his face, picked up the tadpoles, and went after him.

* * *

Marcie was trapped. Obviously. Trapped in a green glass cube by the lizard person who was currently sitting at Ludo's place at the head of the table. Toffee, wasn't it?

She struggled in her restraints, as she was bolted to the chair she was sitting in. "Well, I think I've had about all the fun I can have in here... no, wait..." she swiveled around (it was a swivel chair, and it even came with a table! Nice!) and placed her feet on the table. "Now I'm done. Alright, you got me here. Now what do you want with me?"

Toffee just sighed.

Boo Fly sat at the top of Toffee's chair. "Yeah, boss! Tell her what we're gonna do to her!"

Toffee sighed harder. "Um, do you mind?" They shook the chair until Boo Fly flew off, buzzing irately.

"Look, if you're after the wand, it's harder to get than you think. Lots of people have tried."

Toffee took off their jacket and put it on a mirrored stand, and then grabbed a plate with a sandwich on it.

A doorway opened in the green glass, and they walked through. "Eat something! Could be your last meal."

Marcie looked at the sandwich. It was a sandwich, exactly like the one at the start of this episode, toothpick and all.

 _Strange minds think alike,_ Marcie thought. "Wha – how did you get one of those? Star and I almost died and we only got half."

"I asked politely. You should try it sometime."

"Wow... huh. Oh!" Marcie thought of a totally awesome comeback. "You know, I'm totally full. But if you're hungry, I'm a great cook, so you could let me out of this chair and I'll _give you a taste._ "

"Okay," Toffee waved a hand and Marcie's restraints unlocked.

Marcie leapt forwards and punched... her hand crunched against the glass. "Ow! Wait, what?" Did she punch a reflection? It had seemed so real... she looked behind her to see Toffee. "There's two of you?"

Toffee grabbed Marcie with their tail and shoved her into the chair. Then they shoved the table, sandwich and all, towards Marcie. "You really should eat."

"I don't want your stinking sandwich!" Marcie slapped the sandwich away, but the toothpick got stuck in her hand. Do you have any idea how painful that is? Genuinely asking, because I haven't done that yet. "Ow!"

"You're a disappointment," Toffee walked away.

"Yeah, well, you're boring!" Marcie couldn't see it, but Toffee's face twitched slightly at that one. Boring? They weren't boring. They were the opposite of boring! They knew Marcie would come to see that, eventually. " _And_ you dress like a lawyer! At least that guy came dressed for a good time."

Beard Deer, the guy in question, yelled "Don't insult Toffee! Even if you're complimenting me!" and punched the glass trying to get to Marcie. His hand struck the glass and crunched. He groaned and grabbed at his hand in pain.

"I feel your pain." Marcie said.

* * *

Star looked up at the looming castle. It looked very intimidating, at least. Basic castle criteria unlocked.

"Good luck getting in there," Ludo said smugly, running up behind her.

"Uh, there are keys in the door." Star pointed at the conveniently-placed keys.

"That's obviously part of Toffee's plan!"

"Looks like these are your keys," Star held up the keys, showing that they had Ludo's face on them.

"...those aren't mine."

Star raced into the castle garden with Ludo following along. "Wait, wait, wait! You have no idea –" he tripped "–how powerful Toffee is! What you need is the element of surprise! Luckily for you, I know this castle like the back of my hand!" Ludo finally got in front of Star and held up his hand. "Look!" A castle-shaped mole was piled up on the back of his hand.

"Ew," said Star, summarizing what we were all thinking.

"I sneak us into the castle and you blast Toffee in the face! It's the circle of life, heh heh."

"What are you talking about?"

"So, what do you say?" Ludo offered a hand.

"I'm not gonna touch the hand with the mole on it."

"Okay," Ludo switched hands.

Star pushed Ludo's hand down with her foot. "Actually, I don't want to touch any of my skin to your skin."

"Don't trust him, Star. I will guide you." Yvgeny appeared on the scene. Everyone liked that.

"I don't really trust you either," Star had a point, but Star. Please. Don't mess with Yvgeny's dreams.

"I am father now." As he spoke, Yvgeny placed the tadpoles in a fountain, and grabbed some vines to carry them with. "I would like my children to grow up in castle. You don't have to trust me... but consider alternative."

Star looked at Ludo, who was grabbing for the wand and laughing hysterically. Star blasted him and nodded.

Yvgeny wrapped the vines around the fountain and lifted it in a sort-of backpack to carry the tadpoles. Strong dude, that's why they call him Buff Frog. Then he ripped down a door into the castle. "Let's go."

"Out of my way!" Ludo raced through the door. Star moved to follow him, but Yvgeny blocked her.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before we go in, I must tell you: Toffee is not like Ludo. They know about you, that they do not like your magic."

"Oh yeah? Well I don't like their... uh... uh..." Star shrugged and ran into the castle.

"You need to have plan!" Buff Frog shouted after Star.

* * *

"What did I say about the pillows?" Toffee sighed, even harder this time. It would be great once this was all over and they could go back to being their usual hermit self, with a few notable exceptions.

"I just –"

Toffee lifted Ludo's pillows off the chair and handed them back to Boo Fly. "I don't need pillows on my chair, I'm an adult."

"...okay..." Boo Fly, quite literally, buzzed off, taking the pillows with him. 

Toffee sat in the chair. Then Boo Fly was back, with the pillows.

"No!" Toffee growled.

Star peered around the corner, watching the scene. "Marcie is in that weird crystal block! Here's the plan: we go in at the count of one."

"That is not good plan!"

"One!"

"No, wait, Star!" She was gone, man, she was gone.

Ludo blocked Yvgeny. "Wait, Chad. Now is our chance to get the wand!" 

Yvgeny rolled his eyes and shoved Ludo out of the way, running after Star. Ludo watched him go, and then hid behind the wall again.

Star ran into the Great Hall, using her magic to cast a veil of mist around her. Toffee looked up. "You made it," they said, evenly.

Star frowned as she jumped onto the long table and fired a blast at Toffee. Something about them seemed... familiar. 

The blast hit them square in the shoulder, sending them and their chair flying and, _oh yeah_ , blowing their arm off. Star, you scary.

Star raced to the crystal, turning the monsters guarding it (Beard Deer, the Frilled-Neck Lizard Guy, and Three-Eyed Potato Baby) into miniature versions of themselves.

"Supersonic –" the chibi monsters tried to attack her, and she blasted them "– Supersonic Leech Bomb!"

Marice ducked and covered. The leeches exploded. It was quite a beautiful explosion. Nothing happened. The crystal remained intact. "What?"

Man Arm smashed Star to the ground. He didn't know his own strength, and his blow would be enough to shatter a normal human's spine. Star just blew her hair out of her eyes in frustration.

Yvengy came to the rescue, knocking Man Arm away. Man Arm didn't seem to be upset, only saying "Oh hey, Buff Frog!" before Yvgeny punched him in the snout, knocking him out.

Star made her way out of Man Arm's clutches, only to be attacked once again by the chibi monsters, but this time they had a chainsaw. Yvgeny and Star moved as a well-oiled machine: Yvgeny grabbed the chainsaw, and Star put the chibi monsters in a bubble. Yvgeny had a chainsaw! But he tossed it away, aww man.

Marcie stared at Star and Yvgeny. "You're working together?"

Star and Buff Frog looked at each other and shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much."

Bearicorn, Spikeballs, and Steve attacked next. Star and Yvgeny got to fighting them.

Toffee laid on the floor, watching.

Star jumped to the chandelier, using her wand to give her a boost. She then turned her wand into a rainbow rocket launcher and launched rainbows. No reaction from the crystal. 

Star jumped down from the chandelier. She was angry. That stupid crystal was taunting her and trapping her friend and it had. To. Go.

Toffee's army rushed her.

" _No._ "

She cast a spell, freezing the monsters behind a wall of hearts.

She lifted her wand.

Her cheekmarks glowed with power.

Her eyes glowed, and then the star on her wand followed suit.

Toffee raised their head in interest.

An explosion of light and smoke, and the crystal was shattered.

Star returned to normal, her wand and cheeks and eyes dulling. She paused for a moment, and then: "Marcie!"

She raced forward, hitting Marcie head-on, and accidentally plowing her over. "Oops, sorry. I was just excited. Come on, come on, let's get out of here!" Star helped Marcie up, grabbing her hand.

Before she could do anything other than that, however, the crystal regrew, trapping Marcie inside it once again, and cutting off their held hands "Oh no..."

Star saw a green glow and turned to Toffee. They were holding their right hand up – the one with the missing finger, and that wasn't currently blown off – and a green aura glowed from it. Then Star looked to their face, and... their eyes were glowing, and even more than that, they had glowing cheekmarks too. They were in the shape of keys.

Star gasped, both because of that and because at that moment, Spikeballs grabbed her, and knocked Yvgeny onto the floor.

"Stop." Toffee's eyes stopped glowing, and their cheekmarks disappeared. They got up gingerly, favoring the arm that was still there. "That's no way to treat our... guest of honor."

Spikeballs dropped Star quickly.

A thing to note about Toffee's wound... it didn't bleed. Not only because we need to keep this PG, but also because it just... didn't. It was also ashy gray in color and texture, like Toffee's flesh had been charred. Star was pretty sure she hadn't used a fire spell.

But enough about the wound, because it was going away very soon. Toffee's arm, the one that was still on the floor, turned to ash, and something started growing out of Toffee's wound. That something turned out to be Toffee's new arm, as apparently they could regenerate. Huh. I mean, I knew that, but still. Star didn't, nor Marcie, and they're our main characters.

Toffee's hand glowed once again, and the crystal trapping Marcie started shrinking.

Star panicked. "Oh, no no no! Stop, stop stop!" She took a stance to break the glass again, but Toffee stopped her.

"It won't work, the crystal's twice as strong now." That was a load of bull, but Toffee had an excellent poker face and Star bought it.

Boo Fly thought that now was a perfect time to entice Toffee with another load of pillows, but Toffee just glared at him, freezing the fly in place. "Okay, I guess now's not the time..."

Marcie wasn't going down without a fight. She tried to hold the crystal back, to find a weakness, to do anything, but the crystal just kept coming down on her.

Star jumped onto the table. Toffee steadied the plate in front of them with their hand, and Star dropped the wand on it. Toffee snatched their hand back as if it had been burned. "Fine. Take my wand. It's yours."

Ludo leapt forwards towards the wand, yelling out something about the wand being his, blah blah blah blah blah. The Big Chicken grabbed him with her beak, nearly eating him whole.

"Do you think I'm like Ludo?" Toffee wondered, and then turned to where Ludo was struggling in the mouth of Big Chicken. "Just swallow it."

Big Chicken swallowed Ludo whole. 

"I don't want your wand. Destroy it."

Marcie and Star voiced the same thought. That thought was "Whaaaat?"

For a brief second, Toffee sported a sinister slasher smile. "SURPRISE!" Then they went back to their perfectly composed normal. Though, their left eye did twitch a little.

"I can't. I don't even know how," Star said anxiously. The crystal was pressing down on Marcie alarmingly fast.

"Yes you do. It's the first spell your mother taught you," Toffee said.

"The Whispering Spell?"

"Exactly," they said, almost gently. "Marcie's waiting."

"Star...?" Marcie called. She was lying flat on her back, crystal smushing her face. Toffee put their hand down and the crystal stopped shrinking. For now. There was a clear implied threat in the whole situation.

"I'm sorry." Star picked up her wand and whispered. " _I_ _speak of cosmic wonders never to be told, I end this now with my words. Let this last spell bring on the end foretold, may my last voice be heard. I am sorry for all that I have done, for all that is yet to be. I am sorry for the taint that is building in me."_

The wand slowly... fell apart. The wings crumbled, the crystal turned black, the hearts dulled and disappeared. It got lighter and lighter in Star's hands, like holding a feather. Finally, the hood of the wand opened with a puff of steam and the ghost of the millhorse floated out. It circled around Star a few times and then whispered in her ear: " _I was never your wand. Run._ "

Star gasped at that. The millhorse drifted away. Star wiped away tears she barely knew were there and set her face. "Now let Marcie go."

Toffee waved a hand, and the crystal expanded once again. A door opened in the crystal.

Star raced to Marcie and shoved her back into the crystal box. She then closed the door to the cage, and yelled for Yvgeny to run.

Yvgeny picked up his tadpoles and ran.

"Geez, Star, you really have to stop shoving me –" Marcie started –

"It's not over."

Toffee smirked as the monsters gathered around the table. "Ladies, gentlemen, and others... it's been a pleasure. Now... please run."

The wand shook and glowed. It sent beams of orange energy into the air, casting an orange glow on everything. The crystal started cracking. The monsters fled in terror, the Big Chicken laying an egg in panic on her way out.

Toffee remained stationary. They smiled.

The wand exploded, and Castle Avarius was no more.

The crystal dispelled, and Star and Marcie peered into the rubble.

Marcie looked at Toffee's jacket, which had seemingly survived the explosion with nary a scratch. "Pfft, lawyers," she said, wiping dust off the mirror on the stand.

Star grabbed Marcie's face and directed it towards Big Chicken's egg. "Look. Nature!"

Ludo burst out of the egg, screaming.

"Ugh," said Star.

"Augh," said Marcie.

"Where is my castle?" said Ludo.

"It's gone."

"And... where is your wand?"

"That's gone too."

"Everything... WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS!"

"We never were friends."

"We are now mortal enemies!" Ludo took out his pair of dimensional scissors, hoping to catch a portal out of this ruined, destroyed place. "This day, I vow –"

Star grabbed the dimensional scissors, opened a hole to the void between dimensions, and tossed Ludo in. Then she closed the portal and dropped the scissors in the rubble.

A meteor fell from the sky. Star and Marcie looked to see that the "meteor" was in fact the empty carcass of Star's wand.

Star and Marcie looked at each other, then hugged. Star was determined not to cry.

"Excuse me," A mysterious voice said. Star and Marcie stepped back, and looked around. Nothing...

"Down here." Oh, there it was! A tiny unicorn with blue wings and an impressive ponytail stood between Star and Marcie. "When I was a baby horse, Mama told me the day would come when I would be called upon to fulfill a responsibility greater than myself, greater than my dimension! For me, that day is today!" He opened the empty wand and walked inside. The wand slowly sank into the ground.

Star and Marcie slid down into the crater after the wand. They were both very confused.

The ground shook and crystals erupted out of it. The biggest one opened up, revealing... Star's new wand. It was similar to the old one, but it had different, spikier wings and a striped handle.

"Wow." Star caught it as it levitated out of the crystal.

"Upgrade," Marcie said, and she wasn't entirely wrong. The wand was higher-performance, sure, but it also had a noticeable crack in the main star-shaped crystal, and one half of it was missing.

Then the galloping of warnicorns echoed around the crater, and knightly riders encircled it. One of the riders dismounted and ran to Marcie.

"Marcie! I'm so happy to see you!"

"Uh, do I know you?"

"Marcie, it is your dad!" The knight lifted up his helmet plate, revealing him to be Marcie's dad, indeed.

"My dad!" Marcie hugged him back.

One of the riders lifted up her helmet, revealing her to be Marcie's mom. "Oh, my turn!" She tried to dismount, but only ended up falling upside-down out of the stirrups. "Just come here and hug your mother."

"This is so awkward, Mom."

"It's not awkward, don't make it awkward!"

"Everyone clear the perimeter! Go, go, go!" That was a short, spindly woman with long purple hair sticking out of her helmet, face obscured.

"General Loveberry? How did you get here? Actually, you're the person I'd expect to be here. How did Marcie's parents get here?"

"They used..." the lead knight flipped up his mask, revealing that he was King River Butterfly. "...your mirror."

* * *

"Ssso. Basssically, jussst to recap..." King Butterfly was seated at the throne next to his wife.

Said wife, Moon, rolled her eyes. "You're not going to do that, are you?"

"What?"

"That thing where you talk and every time you get to an 's' sound you have that little whistle in your front teeth? I love you, honey, but I just can't deal with that today." She got off her throne and approached her daughter. "Star, you have abused your magic, frightened Mr. and Mrs. Diaz, and destroyed your wand. Did I leave anything out?"

"Uh, well, there's a lot of stuff you don't know about –"

"Sshh!" said Marcie, thinking the good thoughts.

"No, I think that's everything. But look, the wand's fine! Sort of."

"It's... uh, I'll take it and get it cleaned for you."

"Please don't be mad... that looks like a mad face..."

Moon hugged her daughter.

"So you're not mad?"

"Oh, I'm always mad. But I'm happy that you're safe."

A horse whinnied, reminding Star that Moon and River weren't the only set of concerned parents around. 

"I'm sorry for making you worry, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz."

"Don't worry about it. We're just glad everyone's okay. And I'm on a horse!" Mrs. Diaz slapped the side of the horse, causing it to buck and start running forward. 

"Where are you going?!"

"I dunno!"

"Don't run off with my wife!"

Marcie and Mr. Diaz were quick on the draw. Star moved to follow them, but then paused, asking permission from her parents.

"Go ahead, Star."

"Alright!" Star raced after the quickly retreating horse.

After Star left, Moon turned to her husband. "I don't know if we're doing the right thing, River."

"Darling..."

Moon sighed, molded her face to her usual queenly expression, and pressed the call button on the castle's magic mirror. "Glossaryck? Glossaryck? Hello?"

"Stop yelling, I was in the tub!" The little lizard's scales did indeed look wet.

"Ah, we can call back..."

"No, it's fine, just doing a little peeling." Glossaryck did have peeling scales. Looked like he was shedding. Glossaryck looked at the wand and gasped. "What happened there?"

"We fear the wand has been... cleaved."

"Cleaved? Now that's a funny word..."

The queen sighed. "Glossaryck... stay on topic."

Glossaryck thoroughly ignored her. "You see, you can cleave something apart, or you can cleave something together. If I go like this," he ripped at his skin with his claws "off goes my skin, cleaved from my body. Yum." Glossaryck ate his dead skin. It was gross. I mean, I do it too, but a human would find it gross and I'm trying to think like a human, so there.

"Glossaryck. Do we have anything to worry about?"

"Well," Glossaryck got out a toothbrush and started brushing his teeth. "I hope you found all the pieces of the wand."

Moon and River looked at each other with concern.

* * *

Somewhere in the Forest of Certain Death, the other half of the crystal gleamed.

* * *

_So much happened, Diary! Marcie got mad at me over a sandwich and then she got kidnapped by that Toffee person and then I blew up my wand and then it came back to life. It was really weird. Toffee was creepy, it's like they knew everything about me. And I got a new millhorse, his name is something Italian-sounding. He seems nice enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, I have a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/255t1D1jZdtpWzDC5qJ18O?si=4afD2MzwTWGIqEtNqdYpFg) for Toffee. Listen for my extremely eclectic music tastes and a hint of their future roles in the story!
> 
> Aaand Part One is done! Stay tuned for Part Two: Inevitable Rise, Inevitable Fall! It should be releasing on schedule, next week.
> 
> My New Wand: Star tries to get Marcie out of the closet while Glossaryck inspects her new wand.
> 
> Ludo in the Wild: Ludo adventures in the wild.


End file.
